“Why am I still so afraid of expressing myself? I know I have no reason to be!” a client recently asked in frustration. Although the specifics vary from person to person, exasperation is a common experience when one part of us has outgrown a belief or coping strategy, but another part of us is continuing to hang on for dear life.

Having the insight that our beliefs/emotions/coping strategies don’t match our circumstances can be a helpful first step towards transformation. In and of itself, however, it’s not enough to effect change. And when coupled with impatience and the need to understand, that knowing can actually slow the process down significantly.

In this blog post, we’ll explore how we can shift our “why” into a “hi,” which is much more likely to move us towards lasting change.

Why/What/How Energy

The mind wants to know. That’s its job. And for many of us, we’ve learned that our analytical brain can provide safety and a sense of control in an unpredictable world. However, when we want to know why we’re feeling a certain way (or “how” to change it, or even “what” we’re meant to learn from it), the underlying message we’re sending to that part of us is that there is something wrong with it. Which merely reinforces the shame that usually led to the belief, wound and/or coping strategy in the first place.

Reinforcing Shame

Energetically, shame is one of the stickiest of emotions, and one of the main reasons we may find it difficult to shift out of old patterns. As children, many of us were given the message that we shouldn’t be feeling the way we were, and we certainly shouldn’t be expressing it. Or that some aspect of our being-ness needed to be changed/fixed for us to be accepted and/or safe.

Therefore, anything that resembles judgment (which “why” certainly does) is merely going to reinforce the wounding and the strategies. As cliché as it might seem, compassion is the only energy that will allow our younger parts to feel safe enough to begin to let go.

“Hi” Energy

What if, instead of saying “Why am I feeling fear?” you simply said “Hi fear (or anger, hopelessness, resistance…)”? The hi immediately brings an energy of welcoming. Of allowing things to be as they are. “Hi part of me that’s not ready to change.” “Hi part of me that’s impatient and ready to be done with this.” “Hi overwhelm.”

Saying hello is simple, easy to remember, and the perfect antidote to judgment and “either/or” beliefs. In this space, every part of us can show up at the table, and we can acknowledge each one for what it’s trying to achieve for us (even if the methods can sometimes use some upgrading :>).

Curiosity vs. Analysis

Once we are in that “hi” energy, we can be curious about the origins of our beliefs, emotions, or habits, without bringing judgement to them. While curiosity might seem similar to “why,” the feeling tone of it is actually the opposite. Instead of coming in with preconceived notions of the desired outcome, we’re merely wanting to know more, and are open to wherever the journey takes us. While most of us hate being analyzed, it usually feels good to sense someone’s interest in knowing more about us!

In the case of the client mentioned in my first sentence, our exploration led us to discover that the fear of self-expression actually originated with his maternal grandmother, whose husband was extremely abusive. It was then passed on to his mother, who had to keep the family secret in order to maintain appearances.

While the support of a trained professional might be helpful in the deeper exploration that curiosity can bring us to, “hi” is accessible to all of us, at all times. And you may be surprised by how transformative this seemingly small step can be!

Once we’re comfortable with using the “hi” for ourselves, this can also be a powerful way to change how we hold other people’s behaviors. Rather than greeting our child, partner, coworker, friend, or parent with the unspoken but felt energy of “why [the h***] are you doing XYZ/acting that way??” what if we approached them with that same feeling of allowing and accepting? I invite you to play with your capacity for saying “hi” to whatever arises, and see where it takes you.

Feel free to share the results in the Comments section.

©Jenny Brav