Step into your Bigness*

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us” – Marianne Williamson

In a recent session, a client who has chronic physical pain saw herself unzipping the small, narrow suit she has been trying to fit into since her childhood, and stepping into a big, unlimited self. Her big self (which can also be seen as her essence, or whole self) was free from old patterns of either needing to collapse to be safe, or fight back to try to assert her autonomy. Her body—and in particular her joints and nerves—had so much more space to breathe when it wasn’t trying to fit into others’ ideas of who she needed to be.

Although the degree can vary widely, all of us have been wounded. As a result, we developed beliefs and coping strategies to help us understand and manage those wounds. When our circumstances change, but our beliefs and strategies do not, the latter end up perpetuating the very thing they were designed to fight against. Crises (physical or emotional, internal or external) and feelings of stuckness are usually an indicator that a part of us is ready to grow and evolve, while another (usually younger) part of us is clinging to the old strategies for dear life, terrified of what the consequences might be if we let go. The way forward is for the young self to feel heard, held and acknowledged, while simultaneously realizing that the situation has changed, and that it’s safe to let go.

Here are five tips for accessing your bigness and stepping into your power.

1. Notice your small self

Start tracking what it feels like when you are triggered, reactive, or shut down. How does your body feel? What is your posture like? What are you believing about yourself and the world? Is there a pattern to what triggers you—such as feeling misunderstood, or like you don’t matter? I invite you to keep a journal for a week or more to take note of this.

2. Explore the origins

When we are triggered, we are usually filtering and reacting to the world through wounded child eyes, even though the arguments we use to justify our reactions may tap into our adult faculties of reasoning. When you are feeling reactive or collapsed, ask yourself “what age is associated with this response?”

If nothing comes up, I invite you think about your childhood. If there was an age when you started learning X (whatever belief you identified in #1), what age/ages might it be? It might also be a timeframe more than one age. What were the situations or the people you were learning that from?

3. Send compassion to your small self

Imagine that your adult self is with that young part of you. What would have been helpful to hear back then? For example, “It’s not your fault.” “I’m proud of you.” “You’re not alone anymore, I’m here.” “You did exactly what you needed to do.”

If it feels appropriate, imagine that you are projecting images of your current life to your young self/selves. Let them know that their situation isn’t going to be like that forever, that things are going to change, and that you have resources they didn’t have.

4. Step into your big self

I invite you to close your eyes, and feel back into that feeling of a small self. Imagine that in front of you is your big, wise, essential self. If that’s hard to call up, you can also bring in a powerful energy/being you feel resonance with. For example a tree, a tiger, a mountain, a spiritual teacher or religious figure. Visualize yourself unzipping your small self, and stepping out of it. You can do that as slowly as you need to, over several days or week if necessary. When you are ready, feel yourself merging with your big and wise self and/or with the powerful being you called in. Notice what that feels like in your body. What does the world feel and look like when you look at it through your wise self eyes? Once you feel somewhat comfortable with this big version of you, you may want to bring up a person or a situation that has felt problematic to you. Does looking at it through these eyes shift your perception?

In a recent session, a client of mine merged with mountain energy. When she looked at people who had always been intimidating to her young self through mountain eyes, they seemed much smaller. She could see how they were trapped in their own pain.

5. Creative depiction

I invite you to find a creative way to further anchor this version of you into your body and subconscious. When I say creative, I’m referring to whatever way you have of accessing a deeper part of yourself. You could do this as a guided meditation, or feel yourself stepping into your bigger self as you are hiking, walking, biking, running, swimming, paragliding… You can draw/paint it, write a poem on the theme, or dance the transition from small self to big self. You could do a body sculpture or mime it. A combination is also possible. I wrote a poem entitled “Ode to my small self,” drew a picture of myself shedding the old patterns and fully stepping into my essential self, and have been visualizing it in some of my daily meditation practices. Just in case the universe didn’t get it the first time.

I wish you luck on your journey, and feel free to leave a comment on how that went for you.

The following is a guided meditation for stepping into your wise self.

 

© 2020 Jenny Brav

 

 

 

 

 

Step into your Bigness*2023-06-20T11:50:38+00:00

Healing Childhood and Family Wounds*

Do you feel like your childhood wounds are still interfering with your life? Does being with and/or thinking about your family trigger strong reactions in you?

“When we’re all living in the space of the inner child, loving, honoring, respecting, and embracing its desires, we are at peace.” Kim Ha Campbell

Most of our core wounds come from our childhood experiences. We might have gotten the message that we were too much, not enough, that parts of us weren’t acceptable and had to be hidden. We may have experienced neglect, abuse or other forms of trauma. The beliefs and coping strategies we developed as a result often stay with us long after our circumstances have changed.

Whether we are still in touch with our family or not (and whether our family members/caretakers are alive or not), the holiday season and certain anniversaries can be triggers for all that old stuff to come to the surface. Similarly, the old patterns often rear their heads when we are on the cusp of big transitions, and one part of us (usually the current, adult self) is ready to change, while another part (usually a very young self) is terrified and thinks change means certain death.

The following are five tips for beginning to heal childhood and family wounds:

1. Identify the wounds

Most of the time, we are not even aware of the old programing that is still running our thoughts and our nervous systems. Something happens, and whatever we are feeling and thinking feels like the truth: we are being dismissed, or victimized. Others really don’t care and can’t be trusted. However, these are just beliefs, the lens through which we are interpreting events. The first step is therefore to identify what the wounding and the beliefs are.

Is there a feeling or thought that is often recurring for you? For example, do you have a story that you are not welcome, or that nobody sees you? Perhaps think of a recent situation that triggered a strong reaction, or a difficult interaction with a family member. What were you believing about yourself or the other in that moment? Examples include: “I don’t matter,” “I’m invisible,” “others’ needs matter more than mine,” “I can either honor myself or please others, but not both,” “showing vulnerability is weak, and others will take advantage of me…” Write down your belief.

2. Feel into the emotions

To go more deeply into the wound, I invite you to notice what emotions come up for you when you are believing the words you wrote down in #1. These might include sadness, frustration, helplessness, rage, fear, confusion and so on.

When you access these emotions, check in with your body and notice the physical sensations there. Does any area get tight, achy or jittery? Does any part of your body (or perhaps even the whole body) feel distant or numb? There is no need to try to fix or change it, we are simply exploring and getting curious about what is there, what is wanting our attention.

3. Trace the belief and feelings back in time

Closing your eyes, imagine that you are following the belief, emotions, and physical sensations back in time, to a time, situation or place when you first or most significantly felt something similar. You might get a memory, or just a felt sense of something. You might also access a time period more than a specific incident. What was happening at the time? How was your young self feeling? What was he/she learning about him/herself and the world? What was s/he deciding to do to cope with the situation?

4. Bring love and healing to your young self

The wounding happened because your young self was needing something he/she didn’t get. Common unmet needs include safety, connection, feeling seen/understood, feeling that our voice matters and so on. The best way to begin healing the wounds and upgrading our coping strategies is to start offering that missing experience to the young self. What were they needing that they didn’t get?

Once you have a felt sense of your young self, imagine that your current self is entering the space with your young self. Let them know you are there to support them. Say something to them that would have been really helpful for them to hear at the time. “It’s not your fault.” “I’m here, I’ve got you.” “You are perfect exactly as you are.” “Their inability to be there for you in the way you need reflects on them, it has nothing to do with your needs.” Or if what your younger self is needing is physical presence more than words, you can feel yourself holding that part of you, giving him/her love.

 5. Start imprinting new possibilities

Give your younger self an energetic hug. Let them know you will keep on checking in on them. Now imagine that you are fast forwarding in time to a time when you have released that belief about yourself and/or the world. You realized that it was just a belief you developed when you were very young as the best way you could make sense of your experiences at the time. It’s not the actual truth.

What new belief would you like to replace the old one with? How are you feeling and living your life with this new programming? Feel and imagine it in as much detail as possible. And if it doesn’t feel accessible yet, keep doing the first four suggestions until it does. When you are ready, visualize yourself dropping this image of you operating on this new belief into your crown, and letting it permeate all the neural pathways that have been conditioned to the old belief. Feel it spreading to all the cells, muscles and tissues in your body. Placing your hands on your heart, imagine you are filling your heart with this new belief. When your heart feels full, feel it radiating back out into the universe.

The following is a guided meditation for healing your younger self based on the above tips:

 

 

© 2019 Jenny Brav

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Healing Childhood and Family Wounds*2023-07-11T11:41:30+00:00

Navigating Cycles of Death and Rebirth *

Do you feel heavy, exhausted, or stuck? Is some area of your life in crisis, or simply feels like it no longer fits?

“How can you rise, if you have not burned?” – Fatima Ahmad Ibrahim

Have you ever noticed that, when viewed in hindsight, the darkest times in your life are often followed by a sense of renewal or growth? In Shamanic terms, cycles of death and rebirth refer to periods in our life when part of us—be it a belief, a coping strategy, or situation—is ready to die in order to make way for a bigger version of us to emerge. However, the death part of the cycle can feel very uncomfortable when you’re in the middle of it, which is why I’m focusing on that part of the cycle specifically.

The following are possible indicators that you are in a cycle of death and rebirth, as well as four tips that might help you get through the death part of the cycle with more ease.

You might be in a death-rebirth cycle if one or more of these are present:

1. An area of your life (such as your health, finances, relationship, or work) is in crisis

This is often a sign that old patterns no longer serve us, but some part of us is hanging on for dear life, which may lead us into an acute situation.

2. Things feel dense, heavy and dark

Even when the situation is not acute, you might feel weighed down (physically and/or emotionally), and have the sense of wanting to shed something. This could lead to feeling stuck, depressed, lethargic, or irritated/frustrated.

3. You feel like you’re regressing into old patterns

Although this one might feel counter-intuitive, one sign that you are on the cusp of a rebirth is the resurgence of old patterns. This is often the case because whatever young part developed the pattern you are ready to shed is scared and doesn’t know it’s safe, so there’s some backlash to the changes wanting to occur.

4. You’re feeling anxious, and like there’s no ground beneath you

Especially if you have chronic anxiety, these periods of transition will probably trigger fear and agitation. It is important to remember that your anxious thoughts are not telling you the truth of your situation, but are merely indicators of a part of you needing love and attention.

Four tips for cycles of death and rebirth:

1. Identify what you are sloughing off

If one of the above indicators resonates with you, I invite you to get curious about what might be wanting to shift. I.e. if an area of your life is in crisis, what might it be pointing to that’s wanting healing. Is it a belief about yourself or the world? A way of being in the world that no longer fits (such as people pleasing, or needing to be right…)

Although not absolutely critical to the process, it can be helpful to name what it is that you might be letting go of, such as: a pattern of distraction and checking out; a strategy of staying small and under the radar; the need to fight for attention; the belief that you’re all alone…

2. Bring loving attention to the scared/resistant (younger) parts

Once you identify what you’re letting go of, feel into any young part that might be scared, or resisting. Is there an age/age range or memory associated with the patterns? If not, no worries, you can just focus on the feelings.

Send compassion to the part of you that is scared or resisting. This could simply mean putting a hand on a part of your body that feels tight, agitated, numb, or achy. Or you could say some caring words such as “I know it’s scary. Of course it is. This is reminding you of all the times you got the message it wasn’t safe to… And we can hang onto this as long as we want to. And, it’s possible it is safe. We are ready. We have more resources and choices than we did then…”

3. Make space for grief

Just because it’s in our highest interest to grow and evolve doesn’t mean there won’t be grief about letting go of old and familiar patterns and beliefs. It’s important to be gentle and patient, and to make space for grief.

4. Trust

We tend to interpret the death cycles as wrong and bad, which is understandable because they can feel so uncomfortable and/or dire. However, that only leads to resistance and  fighting with what is, which prolongs and exacerbates the discomfort. Once you start learning to identify these patterns, you can begin to trust and surrender that whatever is happening is for your highest good.

And even if you don’t know what that is, you can trust that further down the line, when viewed in hindsight, these dark times will be followed by a sense of renewal or growth.

 

 

 

 

 © Jenny Brav

Navigating Cycles of Death and Rebirth *2024-02-27T15:05:07+00:00

Healing Trust Wounds *

Can it be hard to let down your guard? Do you hate feeling out of control? Can it feel like life is an uphill battle?

“I have come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am going. And I have trained myself to love it. Because it is only when we are suspended in mid-air with no landing in sight, that we force our wings to unravel and alas begin our flight.”—C. JoyBell C.

The ability to trust is critical to our capacity for manifesting ease and flow in our lives. During a difficult period in my life, each time I ask my higher knowing what I was meant to be learning, I heard: “to trust and surrender.” While it is a work in progress, being able to open to and accept myself, life, and others exactly as we are has loosened the vice-grip of doubt and judgment, and opened up space for curiosity and play.

Without trust it is difficult to take risks, to be resilient during challenging times, to face the unknown. Our natural state (free from trauma and other experiences that disconnect us from our essence) is trusting and open. And yet so many of us learn at some point that being too trusting is naïve and can lead to pain at best, and dire consequences at worst. We decide that to be safe we need to be hyper-vigilant and/or in control. These wounds and resulting coping strategies can impact our ability to trust ourselves, others, and/or the universe.

The following are possible indicators of the different types of trust wounds (the list is not comprehensive):

1. Difficulty trusting others

  • It is hard to put your guard down around others
  • There are few people you trust enough to be completely vulnerable with
  • You have self or other-identified “commitment issues”
  • You try to control others’ behavior in subtle or overt ways
  • You’d rather drive than have someone else drive
  • You are constantly scanning others to know if you are safe with them

2. Difficulty trusting yourself

  • You have low self-esteem
  • You have a hard time making decisions
  • You judge the “rightness” of your decisions based on the outcome rather than the process
  • You struggle with not feeling enough
  • You are envious of others and feel like it’s inherently easier for them than for you
  • You often ruminate over the past and regret past actions/decision

3. Difficulty trusting the universe

  • You have patterns of generalized anxiety and hyper-vigilance
  • You spend a lot of time trying to manage and predict the future
  • You have a belief that if you are too happy something bad is going to happen
  • You need to control your environment to feel safe

Often we have a combination of a few indicators from two or all of these categories. The following are six tips for beginning to make space for trust and surrender.

A) Identify your wound(s)

Look at the above list, and highlight the ones that you feel apply to you. If there are multiple ones, pick 3 that feel like the biggest obstacles to happiness and/or ease in your life.

B) List possible limiting beliefs

Write down what you think your limiting beliefs around trust might be (it might be more obvious for some of the indicators than others). These might include some version of: “I’m not enough,” “trusting others is gullible and naïve,” “I can never get it right,” “Those I trust always betray me,” “The only person I can trust is myself…”

C) Notice your body and emotions

As you look at your list of limiting beliefs, notice what it feels like in your body. Does any area of your body get tense or jittery? Or do you leave your body and/or does it go numb? What emotions come up for you? For example, do the beliefs bring up anger, fear, helplessness, grief…? You might want to write these down as well.

D) Trace the beliefs and emotions back in time

I invite you to close your eyes. If it is part of your practice, you might want to set up ceremonial and/or meditative space. This might involve lighting a candle, putting on relaxing music, going out in nature, or anything that helps you drop in more deeply into yourself.

From here, imagine you are following the physical sensation, belief, and emotions back in time, to a time when you first or most significantly experienced something similar. If the trust wound was in response to a specific event you might access a memory, or if it was linked to repetitive experiences you might find yourself at a certain time period in your life, or see a series of memories.

E) Bring healing to your young self

Whether you have a specific memory or not, imagine that your current self is entering the space with the young you who was learning that it wasn’t safe to trust him/herself, others, or the world. If there are others in this image, be sure to freeze them so your younger self feels safe. Let him/her know you are there as an ally. Say anything that might have been helpful to hear at the time. Doe example: “It’s not your fault.” “Even though it feels personal, this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them and their wounds/coping strategies. They were like this long before you were born.” “I love you. You are not alone.” “You are perfect exactly as you are.”

Tell your younger self that it was very smart of them to develop the beliefs and coping strategies that they did so they could make sense of what was happening to them.

F)  Update the beliefs

Once it seems that your younger self is feeling seen, heard and safe, tell them that if/when they decide they want to let go of the belief, they can let you know and you can help them release them. It is critical that the decision to release the limiting belief come from the young self and not your current self, otherwise you are just one more adult who’s needing something for them rather than just being there for them. If it feels appropriate, you can perhaps show your young self that what they wanted more than anything else at the time was to trust and be open, but because that wasn’t possible they developed the belief they did. Back then, it served a purpose, but at this point, the only thing between you and freedom is the belief.

When/if they are ready (and if not, keep doing step E as long as is necessary), imagine you are releasing the belief together. You might write it down on a piece of paper, and then tear it up.

Next, write down what new belief (or intention) you want to replace the old one with. For example “Everything is always as it needs to be.” “I can trust that I have everything I need.” “I am learning to trust my inner knowing.” “I am healing my mistrust of others and the universe.” “I am enough exactly as I am.” You might see yourself dropping this new belief into the top of your head and feeling it spreading through the neural pathways that were impacted by the old belief.

Envision yourself stepping into your life with this new belief about yourself and the world. Imagine this in as much detail as possible, in different areas of your life such as work, relationships, creative endeavors, health and so on. Keep doing step F (especially dropping the new belief into your mind and body) every day until it feels more and more true.

Trust
Is allowing
Our heart to rule
Our actions.

Trust is letting go
Of the fantasy
Of how things
Should be;
It’s the deep knowing
That things are exactly
As they’re meant to be.

There is no other way.

Trust
Is the jellyfish dance
Of opening and contracting,
Of testing the boundaries
Being self and other,
Of honoring
Our true yes and no.

 

© 2019 Jenny Brav

 

 

Healing Trust Wounds *2022-02-03T14:40:07+00:00

Inviting in Fun and Play

Does life often feel heavy and overwhelming? Do you wish for more flow and ease?

“Play is the only way the highest intelligence of humankind can unfold” – Joseph Chilton Pearce

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” – George Bernard Shaw

Whether there was space for fun and play when we were children or not, most of us learned that by the time we are adults, it’s time for us to get serious. That wanting to integrate play into our lives is immature and irresponsible. However, a number of studies and books have explored the importance of play for adults, such as Dr. Stuart Brown’s book Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul. In fact, play can help improve our memory, our ability to connect to others, and can mitigate the effects of depression and anxiety.

The following are 6 tips for inviting in more fun and play into your life, and also understanding the difference between play and behavior that may be self-sabotaging/addictive.

1) Identify beliefs about life/work/being an adult

On a scale from 1-10 (10 being the highest), how would you rate the amount of fun and play you integrate into your life? And remember that rating isn’t about good/bad or right/wrong, it’s just information for us to be able to better assess and understand the kind of life we want to be creating for ourselves.

If the number is low, ask yourself what messages you received as a child about life and work. Were the adults in your life having fun and enjoying themselves? And if they were, was it in a way that was contagious and joyful for those around them, or in a way that could be neglectful and harmful to you and/or others they loved? You might want to write down some of these beliefs and experiences.

2) Clear childhood wounding around play/creativity

There are many ways we may have been wounded around play and creativity. Some of us had a lot of space to play and be creative as children, but find it difficult to integrate that into our adult lives (or to know how to balance play and work). Others of us have wounding around play and creativity, either because of the messages we received that we weren’t good enough/it wasn’t a serious activity to engage in, or because the conditions we were growing up in didn’t provide space for it. Play can feel like something only the privileged have access to. Bullying experienced at school and other forms of trauma can also be associated with recess and “play time.”

I invite you to feel back into that younger self. If it is accessible, send him/her/them empathy for those messages and experiences you identified in #1 and #2. Let them know that you are sorry they had to go through that. That you are proud of them for developing the coping strategies they did in order to survive. Let them know that you are doing everything you can to allow them to have a different experience now. That it’s possible life can be both fun and intentional.

3) Understand the difference between play and addictive behavior

Some of us learned (or had modeled for us) ways of dealing with overwhelm and the seriousness of life by checking out, or indulging in behavior that might on the surface of it seem fun, but is actually getting in the way of feeling whole and self-actualized.

Although there are exceptions to the following depending on the beliefs we have, in general, one of the differences between play and addictive behavior is how present we are during, and how much it feels like a choice. When we engage in addictive and/or self-sabotaging behavior, it often feels like we don’t have any control over our behavior, and some part of us feels split/ashamed about our behavior. There may also be guilt and shame about play and fun that is nourishing to our soul too if we learned it was irresponsible to have fun, for example. But that kind of guilt usually has more of a nagging quality.

The point is not that one is good or bad. We want to thank the pattern/behavior we have developed for its intention – for example, to prevent us from feeling uncomfortable emotions or to honor our right to have fun. And start bringing in the possibility that there are other ways to meet those needs.

4) Write a joy list

I invite you to make a joy list to help identify what makes you happy. For example, singing, reading, dancing, building things, making art, going to the gym, star gazing, camping, gardening, riding a motorbike, cooking, listening to music, and so on.  If there are things you loved doing as a child which you have stopped doing, you may consider adding those as well. For many of us, life starts feeling a little sterile when we are always doing the same things. Your joy list could include doing something new each week. If you spend a lot of time in your head for work, then doing something that includes the body might be a great way to hit the reset button.

5) Create a joy box/drawer

Looking at your joy list, put a star next to the top 5 that feel both doable and fun (or more if you wish). Write each one on a separate sheet of paper, and put it in a small box. Each week (or month), you can pick a different one, and commit to doing it in that time frame. Alternately, in her book “Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy,” Sarah Ban Breathnach suggests creating a “comfort box” of things you can pull out on days where life looks bleak. It can include games, crayons, puzzles, stuffed animals, magazines, jokes and so on.

6) Create more time in your schedule

Now that you have your list, make space in your schedule. You may block off specific time for fun in your calendar. Or you might schedule “fun dates” with yourself, with friends or with a partner. And as with most things, it’s not so much the “what” as the “how” that’s important. You might consider the possibility that there is no way of getting this wrong.

 

Play is my soul coming home to roost.
It’s my nervous system rediscovering its right to feel safe,
And my essence reclaiming its innocence.
As I let go of shoulds and expectations
I find my way back into my body.
Knotted muscles unwind,
Loosening their iron grip on my bones.
I am home

© 2018 Jenny Brav

Inviting in Fun and Play2019-06-25T11:20:59+00:00

Detox Your Thoughts *

Can your inner dialogue be pretty negative? Do you find your thoughts looping endlessly on the same track?

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it” – Eckhart Tolle

Spring and summer are a good time to declutter. Many of us take the opportunity to clean out our closets and get rid of what we don’t need. We may also go on a cleanse or juice fast to flush out our intestines.

But what about detoxing our minds? Our thoughts can be pretty toxic – towards ourselves, others, or life in general. While negative or ruminative thinking often has a protective intention – to scan for danger and motivate us to survive if not succeed – the actual result is that we feel stuck and overwhelmed. Our thoughts can greatly contribute to (and even cause) our suffering. Unless we have an intentional practice such as meditation (and even if we do), our thoughts often run the show – unchecked.

Here are some indicators you might need a thought detox:

Inner Critic: You have a negative internal narrative that doesn’t let you off the hook. Feelings of being a fraud (i.e. the Imposter Syndrome), feelings of inadequacy, not being enough, feeling stupid or ugly, the thought “I suck” are all examples of an active inner critic.

Judgment: You catch yourself habitually judging others and yourself. This is often linked to expectations and ideals of how we think things should we.

Resistance to what is: Similarly, you are often at war with the present moment, wishing things were different than how they actually are.

Anxiety/depression: You are prone to anxious, ruminative thoughts. Alternatively (or concurrently), you tend towards depression.

Negativity bias: You are often focused on what is wrong and what you don’t have.

Difficulty Sleeping: You struggle with sleeping enough – it might be hard to get to sleep, stay asleep or feel rested. While there may be a number of reasons for disturbed sleep that are not linked to our thoughts, the latter are often a contributing factor.

Future/past focus: You spend a lot of energy worrying about or planning for the future. Or you might cling to past stories and grievances.

 

If you identified with some or many of the above, you are not alone. Many of the indicators listed above were strategies we developed (or inherited) in order to better our lot and/or feel safe. However, it is possible to upgrade those strategies in order to feel lighter and more spacious.

The following are 7 tips for detoxing your thoughts:

1. Notice your thoughts

The first step is always awareness. Which of the above indicators did you identify with? You might want to keep a thought journal for a week. What triggers negative or ruminative thinking for you? What kinds of thoughts do you tend to have (i.e. self-critical, judgmental of others, anxious about the future, ruminating over the past…)?

2. Notice the impact

One you start tracking your thought patterns, notice the impact on you. How do you feel when you have those thoughts? What happens in your body – do certain parts contract, or do you leave your body? How do you think you might feel if you didn’t have the thought.

3. Get curious

Now that you have a sense of your pattern and its impact, I invite you to get curious. What are the thoughts trying to achieve for you? Are they trying to protect you from failure? Do they want to motivate you to be better? Are they trying to justify what you are feeling? Do they want to prevent you from feeling vulnerable and exposed?

What is the emotion behind the thoughts? Is there fear? Sadness? Anger? Hopelessness?

4. Thank the thoughts

Once you’ve identified what the thoughts are trying to achieve for you, send them gratitude for their intention. If it feels accessible/appropriate, you can also send gratitude to whatever younger version of you developed this pattern in order to feel a little safer.

5. Hit the pause button

Ask yourself, are the thoughts really achieving the intention they have for you? Do you feel more motivated to work harder after having the thought “I suck” (or whatever thought you had)? And if they aren’t, is there a different way you could be meeting those needs?

Next time you notice yourself going down the ruminative thinking rabbit hole, I invite you to pause. Thank the thought for its intention. And return to your body and your breath.

6. Develop a gratitude practice

Gratitude has almost become a buzzword, but it is a great antidote to the negativity bias. I invite you to keep a daily gratitude/appreciation/acknowledgment journal where you track everything you are grateful for. Be sure to write down self-acknowledgements. Doing this last thing before going to sleep can help quiet the part of the brain that often wakes up chewing on what it thinks needs fixing from the previous day.

7. Return to the present moment

Mindfulness is like gratitude, but it’s also a very helpful practice for learning to gain a little bit of distance from our mind’s ceaseless chatter. Practices which foster mindfulness – which include yoga, meditation, conscious walking, qi gong and so on – are great ways to begin to retrain the neural networks.

 

 

 

Detox Your Thoughts *2022-02-16T03:18:05+00:00

Overcoming the Impostor Syndrome

Do you ever feel like a fake in one or more areas of your life? That if others “found you out,” they would never want to speak to you again?

“I have written 11 books, but each time I think, ‘Uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.’” – Maya Angelou

face-636092_640My story
In 2009, I was the head of a small sub-office for the United Nations’ Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs in Western Nepal. Every day, I had to struggle to overcome the sense of not being worthy of the position – that they would soon find out they made a mistake in selecting me.

It’s an actual syndrome!
I was amazed when I looked it up a few years later, and discovered that the feeling I had experienced is a known and studied phenomenon with its own name: the impostor syndrome.

  • The term “the impostor syndrome” was first coined in the 1970s.
  • It is thought that up to 70% of the population will feel like a fake at some time in their lives.
  • Success seems to increase the fear, as successful people are particularly prone to feeling this way.

So now that you know you are in good company, what does that actually mean for you? And how can you overcome this feeling?

Valuing what comes easily for you
We are conditioned to give much more weight to the negative than the positive, something experts call a “negativity bias.” From an evolutionary perspective, remembering danger was critical to our survival. Nowadays, however, focusing on what’s wrong just leads to ruminative thoughts and a skewed perspective on things. In addition, too often we take for granted what we are naturally good at, without understanding why others make a fuss about our expertise.

To counter the impostor syndrome, try keeping a daily journal where you track all the things you did well during the course of the day. Also, write a list of all your skills, and reasons you might be worthy of praise. Imagining that someone who knows you very well is writing this list can help you open up and explore deeper.

Shifting the focus from external to internal
From a young age, we learn that certain parts of us are unacceptable, while others are prized and encouraged. That leads to an internal split, that fosters feelings that we need to hide aspects of ourselves, and amplify others. As children, since getting our needs met is dependent on our caretakers’ approval, our desire to please them is a good survival strategy. As adults, however, the constant need for external validation leads to a perpetual feeling of not being enough, and of needing to prove (or disprove) our worth.

In my next post, “The Inside Out Switch,” I will explore ways of deriving our sense of well-being from the inside out, instead of needing external validation and cues.

© Jenny Brav

Overcoming the Impostor Syndrome2017-06-23T02:16:03+00:00
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