Inviting in Fun and Play

Does life often feel heavy and overwhelming? Do you wish for more flow and ease?

“Play is the only way the highest intelligence of humankind can unfold” – Joseph Chilton Pearce

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” – George Bernard Shaw

Whether there was space for fun and play when we were children or not, most of us learned that by the time we are adults, it’s time for us to get serious. That wanting to integrate play into our lives is immature and irresponsible. However, a number of studies and books have explored the importance of play for adults, such as Dr. Stuart Brown’s book Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul. In fact, play can help improve our memory, our ability to connect to others, and can mitigate the effects of depression and anxiety.

The following are 6 tips for inviting in more fun and play into your life, and also understanding the difference between play and behavior that may be self-sabotaging/addictive.

1) Identify beliefs about life/work/being an adult

On a scale from 1-10 (10 being the highest), how would you rate the amount of fun and play you integrate into your life? And remember that rating isn’t about good/bad or right/wrong, it’s just information for us to be able to better assess and understand the kind of life we want to be creating for ourselves.

If the number is low, ask yourself what messages you received as a child about life and work. Were the adults in your life having fun and enjoying themselves? And if they were, was it in a way that was contagious and joyful for those around them, or in a way that could be neglectful and harmful to you and/or others they loved? You might want to write down some of these beliefs and experiences.

2) Clear childhood wounding around play/creativity

There are many ways we may have been wounded around play and creativity. Some of us had a lot of space to play and be creative as children, but find it difficult to integrate that into our adult lives (or to know how to balance play and work). Others of us have wounding around play and creativity, either because of the messages we received that we weren’t good enough/it wasn’t a serious activity to engage in, or because the conditions we were growing up in didn’t provide space for it. Play can feel like something only the privileged have access to. Bullying experienced at school and other forms of trauma can also be associated with recess and “play time.”

I invite you to feel back into that younger self. If it is accessible, send him/her/them empathy for those messages and experiences you identified in #1 and #2. Let them know that you are sorry they had to go through that. That you are proud of them for developing the coping strategies they did in order to survive. Let them know that you are doing everything you can to allow them to have a different experience now. That it’s possible life can be both fun and intentional.

3) Understand the difference between play and addictive behavior

Some of us learned (or had modeled for us) ways of dealing with overwhelm and the seriousness of life by checking out, or indulging in behavior that might on the surface of it seem fun, but is actually getting in the way of feeling whole and self-actualized.

Although there are exceptions to the following depending on the beliefs we have, in general, one of the differences between play and addictive behavior is how present we are during, and how much it feels like a choice. When we engage in addictive and/or self-sabotaging behavior, it often feels like we don’t have any control over our behavior, and some part of us feels split/ashamed about our behavior. There may also be guilt and shame about play and fun that is nourishing to our soul too if we learned it was irresponsible to have fun, for example. But that kind of guilt usually has more of a nagging quality.

The point is not that one is good or bad. We want to thank the pattern/behavior we have developed for its intention – for example, to prevent us from feeling uncomfortable emotions or to honor our right to have fun. And start bringing in the possibility that there are other ways to meet those needs.

4) Write a joy list

I invite you to make a joy list to help identify what makes you happy. For example, singing, reading, dancing, building things, making art, going to the gym, star gazing, camping, gardening, riding a motorbike, cooking, listening to music, and so on.  If there are things you loved doing as a child which you have stopped doing, you may consider adding those as well. For many of us, life starts feeling a little sterile when we are always doing the same things. Your joy list could include doing something new each week. If you spend a lot of time in your head for work, then doing something that includes the body might be a great way to hit the reset button.

5) Create a joy box/drawer

Looking at your joy list, put a star next to the top 5 that feel both doable and fun (or more if you wish). Write each one on a separate sheet of paper, and put it in a small box. Each week (or month), you can pick a different one, and commit to doing it in that time frame. Alternately, in her book “Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy,” Sarah Ban Breathnach suggests creating a “comfort box” of things you can pull out on days where life looks bleak. It can include games, crayons, puzzles, stuffed animals, magazines, jokes and so on.

6) Create more time in your schedule

Now that you have your list, make space in your schedule. You may block off specific time for fun in your calendar. Or you might schedule “fun dates” with yourself, with friends or with a partner. And as with most things, it’s not so much the “what” as the “how” that’s important. You might consider the possibility that there is no way of getting this wrong.

 

Play is my soul coming home to roost.
It’s my nervous system rediscovering its right to feel safe,
And my essence reclaiming its innocence.
As I let go of shoulds and expectations
I find my way back into my body.
Knotted muscles unwind,
Loosening their iron grip on my bones.
I am home

© 2018 Jenny Brav

Inviting in Fun and Play2019-06-25T11:20:59+00:00

Detox Your Thoughts *

Can your inner dialogue be pretty negative? Do you find your thoughts looping endlessly on the same track?

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it” – Eckhart Tolle

Spring and summer are a good time to declutter. Many of us take the opportunity to clean out our closets and get rid of what we don’t need. We may also go on a cleanse or juice fast to flush out our intestines.

But what about detoxing our minds? Our thoughts can be pretty toxic – towards ourselves, others, or life in general. While negative or ruminative thinking often has a protective intention – to scan for danger and motivate us to survive if not succeed – the actual result is that we feel stuck and overwhelmed. Our thoughts can greatly contribute to (and even cause) our suffering. Unless we have an intentional practice such as meditation (and even if we do), our thoughts often run the show – unchecked.

Here are some indicators you might need a thought detox:

Inner Critic: You have a negative internal narrative that doesn’t let you off the hook. Feelings of being a fraud (i.e. the Imposter Syndrome), feelings of inadequacy, not being enough, feeling stupid or ugly, the thought “I suck” are all examples of an active inner critic.

Judgment: You catch yourself habitually judging others and yourself. This is often linked to expectations and ideals of how we think things should we.

Resistance to what is: Similarly, you are often at war with the present moment, wishing things were different than how they actually are.

Anxiety/depression: You are prone to anxious, ruminative thoughts. Alternatively (or concurrently), you tend towards depression.

Negativity bias: You are often focused on what is wrong and what you don’t have.

Difficulty Sleeping: You struggle with sleeping enough – it might be hard to get to sleep, stay asleep or feel rested. While there may be a number of reasons for disturbed sleep that are not linked to our thoughts, the latter are often a contributing factor.

Future/past focus: You spend a lot of energy worrying about or planning for the future. Or you might cling to past stories and grievances.

 

If you identified with some or many of the above, you are not alone. Many of the indicators listed above were strategies we developed (or inherited) in order to better our lot and/or feel safe. However, it is possible to upgrade those strategies in order to feel lighter and more spacious.

The following are 7 tips for detoxing your thoughts:

1. Notice your thoughts

The first step is always awareness. Which of the above indicators did you identify with? You might want to keep a thought journal for a week. What triggers negative or ruminative thinking for you? What kinds of thoughts do you tend to have (i.e. self-critical, judgmental of others, anxious about the future, ruminating over the past…)?

2. Notice the impact

One you start tracking your thought patterns, notice the impact on you. How do you feel when you have those thoughts? What happens in your body – do certain parts contract, or do you leave your body? How do you think you might feel if you didn’t have the thought.

3. Get curious

Now that you have a sense of your pattern and its impact, I invite you to get curious. What are the thoughts trying to achieve for you? Are they trying to protect you from failure? Do they want to motivate you to be better? Are they trying to justify what you are feeling? Do they want to prevent you from feeling vulnerable and exposed?

What is the emotion behind the thoughts? Is there fear? Sadness? Anger? Hopelessness?

4. Thank the thoughts

Once you’ve identified what the thoughts are trying to achieve for you, send them gratitude for their intention. If it feels accessible/appropriate, you can also send gratitude to whatever younger version of you developed this pattern in order to feel a little safer.

5. Hit the pause button

Ask yourself, are the thoughts really achieving the intention they have for you? Do you feel more motivated to work harder after having the thought “I suck” (or whatever thought you had)? And if they aren’t, is there a different way you could be meeting those needs?

Next time you notice yourself going down the ruminative thinking rabbit hole, I invite you to pause. Thank the thought for its intention. And return to your body and your breath.

6. Develop a gratitude practice

Gratitude has almost become a buzzword, but it is a great antidote to the negativity bias. I invite you to keep a daily gratitude/appreciation/acknowledgment journal where you track everything you are grateful for. Be sure to write down self-acknowledgements. Doing this last thing before going to sleep can help quiet the part of the brain that often wakes up chewing on what it thinks needs fixing from the previous day.

7. Return to the present moment

Mindfulness is like gratitude, but it’s also a very helpful practice for learning to gain a little bit of distance from our mind’s ceaseless chatter. Practices which foster mindfulness – which include yoga, meditation, conscious walking, qi gong and so on – are great ways to begin to retrain the neural networks.

 

 

 

Detox Your Thoughts *2022-02-16T03:18:05+00:00

Lessons from my Lost Fingertip

(Or 5 tips for checking back into your life)

Have you ever felt that there are moments when you are checked out of your own life? Do distractions, worries, and/or the busy-ness of life make it difficult for you to be fully present and focused?

 “Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.” 
― Eckhart Tolle

water-1759703_1920

A moment of inattention

A few months ago, I sliced off the side of my left fingertip in a moment of inattention. I had been suffering from a virus for the past two weeks and was feeling depleted. The day before, I had attended a powerful 12-hour healing workshop. I woke up the next morning feeling exhausted but motivated. I had managed to block off five hours to write in my novel, and decided to make a big pot of soup before I started to sustain me through the day. Listening to a Pema Chodron podcast on “uncovering warmth in our hearts,” I started chopping kale. My knife was a little blunt, so I got out a new knife my housemate had just bought. A moment later, I was in excruciating pain, and a ½ inch of skin was on the chopping board, nestled in a piece of kale. My plans to write went out the window, as I spent the next weeks nursing my finger.

Being someone who takes pride in living mindfully, I felt shame at having hurt myself so mindlessly. And yet the incident taught me invaluable lessons in surrendering to what is, and releasing any expectation of how I thought things should be. In Traditional Chinese Medicine, the point I shaved off is the first point on the Large Intestine meridian, which is associated with letting go. In the weeks following the mishap, I worked on releasing remaining layers of old fears from my childhood around being visible and fully present in my body. I also cleared some old ancestral beliefs (especially in my paternal lineage) that it’s not safe to pursue one’s dreams. That the only way to survive is to stay under the radar and not be too visible. My father broke that trend when he moved to Paris to be a writer in the early 1960s, but his failure to achieve his dream weighed heavily on him. He died young of a heart attack, and doing my healing work I realized that I had absorbed some of his ambivalent energy towards writing and following his purpose.

As I witnessed the miracle of my skin growing back a little bit each day, I could feel myself start to inhabit my body more fully. And the next time I sat down to write, I felt the words start flowing more easily, as though they were coming from a different part of my being. I wasn’t trying to make something happen, but rather was opening up to what wanted to come. And the remaining ball of tender scar tissue is a daily reminder to return to myself.

The following is an invitation for you to explore how you check out and why, as well as tips (no pun intended) for being more present.

1) Recognize your distraction pattern

We live in an era where distractions abound, and it takes dedication and effort to be truly present with ourselves and others. What are your favorite ways to check out or distract? This could include working overtime, shopping, eating, checking social media, playing Pokemon, binge-watching on Netflix, obsessing over the elections, etc. Although the line between what we do for entertainment and ways we distract can be blurred, the latter is often characterized by excess/difficulty finding an off switch, and feelings of shame afterwards. Start identifying what kinds of emotions and situations increase your distraction patterns (for example, stress at work, feelings of loneliness, an argument with your partner, and so on).

2) Identify your triggers

Now that you are paying attention to how you distract, think of what kinds of situations make you want to distract. Is it external demands, feeling overwhelmed, a feeling of not being enough for the task at hand?  Do you tend to distract more at a certain time of day? Trace this feeling back in time. When did you first start checking out or distracting? What was happening back then, and what were you feeling about it?

3) Track your excuses/justifications

Notice the excuses you make to justify the patterns. For example “I’ve worked hard, I deserve this.” Underlying the excuse is a belief about yourself and/or the world. It may be that you are all alone, that the world is unfair, that you need to fight to get what’s yours, or that you are not enough. As with the triggers, there is a reason you developed those beliefs.

4) Acknowledge the distraction for how it has helped you

Distraction patterns are indicators of parts of us that didn’t feel safe or welcome. For anyone who has suffered from trauma, dissociating may have been key to surviving. In any case, you learned to distract or check out as a way of avoiding something, for example to numb the pain of having parents who weren’t present (physically and/or emotionally), or who were fighting all the time.  Send gratitude to this pattern for all the ways it has served you.

5) Practice staying with what is arising

Although checking out can bring momentary relief, whenever we leave ourselves it creates an internal vacuum. Upon returning, we may have an even deeper sense of despair or shame, giving us little incentive to want to stay present with what is.

I know that mindfulness and presence have become buzzwords, but they really are the only way through the things we are wanting to avoid. So when you feel the pull to distract, or your habitual thought patterns pulling you into worry or anxiety, I invite you to breathe. Stay right where you are. Notice any discomfort that arises, and breathe into the discomfort. Feel into what is wanting to hide, what you are trying to avoid. You might want to squeeze or pat up and down your body, since presence is an embodied state, and this is a way to delineate the contours of your body. And start feeling into the possibility of letting go of some of the old habitual patterns that served you once, but are now only keeping you from what you are most wanting. Connection. Wholeness. Aliveness. Permission to be fully yourself.

 

Presence is my breath nudging its way into the logjam of my thoughts;

It is the syncing of my nervous system, my mind and my heart,

And the contours of my world coming into sharper focus.

Presence is a reminder to be patient and to trust;

It is the loosening of my stranglehold on control;

And an opening to limitlessness.

© Jenny Brav

Lessons from my Lost Fingertip2017-06-23T02:16:02+00:00

Finding my Inner Labrador

Have you ever felt that when you are hurt or angry, you have an inner yappy dog that tries to get your attention? Do you long for a sense of peace, balance and grounded-ness even when triggered?

Healing from learned helplessness

dog-548611_1920For me, finding peace and balance has been a journey (and is still at times a work in progress). As a child, I learned early on to disconnect from my power as a trade-off for getting love or feeling safe.  My sister Laura, who was three and a bit when I was born, and furious at being upstaged by a tiny bundle of flesh and lungs, let me know in no uncertain terms that there was only room for one of us to take up space. And that wasn’t me.

I have a clear memory of being five or so. Laura said something to make me angry, and I fired something back. She laughed at me in response, so I started pummeling her with my little fists in a desire to hurt her too. She then grabbed my wrists and twisted them backwards, pinned me against the fridge, and laughed even harder. I remember being flooded with a feeling of rage laced with helplessness. Up until then, I had often fought back and gotten mad when my sister poked at me. From that moment on, I started disowning my anger and power, since it had not helped protect me. I felt shy around strangers, and the world seemed like a scary place. My disempowerment was further compounded by parenting that encouraged us to always put others’ needs first, and to be kind, considerate, and self-effacing. Lessons that served me well on a human level, but also cut me off from my own sense of agency and worth.

Laura and I are now extremely close and supportive of each other, and have done a lot of healing together and separately. My journey to reconnect to a sense of grounded power has been a transformative one. The following are some lessons I learned along the way.

My inner yappy dog

When I started my healing journey over a decade ago and began to explore some of my patterns of learned helplessness, I found that an inner yappy dog emerged to defend my collapsed, undefended self. You know the one I’m talking about? It’s the little dog in the fenced in yard you pass while taking your evening walk. The one that starts barking the minute you have passed it — to make sure danger is averted before alerting the whole neighborhood that it’s doing its job of keeping everyone safe. Yeah, that one. It makes lot of noise, but is pretty ineffectual since it barks at every animal, car, or person that passes. And really all it secretly wants is to be relieved of its guard dog duty so it can get love and attention.

When I thawed out of my freeze mode (which is what learned helplessness is, from a survival perspective) I went straight into fight mode. My inner yappy dog was just trying to protect me when someone or a situation appeared to threaten me. But it was hyper-vigilant, and thought everything was a potential intruder. If I jumped up every time it barked, it would be exhausting. And it still came from a place of feeling small and defenseless.

Finding my inner Labrador

As I started to heal the part of me that had learned to collapse and give my power away, and to give love and support to the angry part that emerged to defend her, I started accessing my inner Labrador. She loves to connect and is service oriented, but also has very clear boundaries. When someone starts to infringe upon that boundary, she gives a warning look, without being pulled off center. If the person disregards the look, she will give one, deep bark from a place of serene authority. No need to yip continuously, or to collapse in defeat. This place feels clear, protected, and loving. And if I fall back into my collapsed or yappy dog self, I feel into the part of me that feels small and scared, and give her compassion. I breathe and ground, and connect to my center. And call up the energy of my inner Labrador for support.

Exploring your wholeness

I invite you to feel into the places where you collapse. What does that feel like in your body? What are situations that trigger that?  If there were an image, or emotions, or words associated with that feeling of collapse, what might that be?

Now feel into the part of you that feels like it needs to defend your collapsed and vulnerable self from intruders. What does it feel like? Does it remind you of a yappy dog, or is there another image that comes to mind?

Finally, feel into that part of you that feels whole, balanced and grounded. If it’s difficult to access it right now, that’s OK. But you can just tell that part of you that whenever it wants to show up, it’s welcome. And see if any image, words or colors show up. If you could feel your version of your inner Labrador in your body, where would it be? And what does it want you to know right now? Imagine what it would be like if you could live your life from this place of balance, clarity, and compassionate authority.  If this is a new muscle you are exercising, give yourself a lot of leeway for falling off the horse (or the Labrador) as many times as you need before this place of clarity and balance starts feeling natural.

© Jenny Brav

Finding my Inner Labrador2017-06-23T02:16:03+00:00

Why Slow is Smart

Do you feel as though you’re constantly running after time, but can never catch up? Can it be challenging to relax, with all the things you need to do?

“Sometimes our stop-doing list needs to be bigger than our to-do list” – Patti Digh

tree-77271_1280

As a child—whether I was eating, thinking, speaking, playing with friends, reading, or solving a problem—I liked taking my time. However, I was soon taught that time is a precious commodity that shouldn’t be wasted. That’s when I learned the art of multi-tasking, making endless to-do lists, and being more productive. And while I went on to lead a full and interesting life, the cost in terms of stress levels and their impact on my health was high. It wasn’t until I started meditating ten years ago that I began reconnecting with and valuing the part of me that likes to s-l-o-w d-o-w-n.

The devaluing of slowness
In our society, we associate slowness with laziness, stupidity, lack of direction, and so on. From an early age, we are rewarded (i.e., at school, at home, at work, in sports) for being fast. As such, our culture is highly addicted to speed—and I don’t mean the drug. While there is nothing wrong with efficiency, running from one thing to the next is a great way to numb out and avoid having to feel.

In recent years, we’ve seen counter movements to help people create more space in their lives. The slow food movement sprang up to challenge the fast-food mentality, slow fashion to bring durability back into our wardrobe. SuperSlow exercise is based on the premise that we build muscle more efficiently when we lift weights at slow speeds. And mindfulness has become part of mainstream parlance. Despite these movements, the general trend still seems to favor ever faster and more complex.

The following six tips can help you start slowing down. As counter-intuitive as it might seem, the more you slow down, the more time you will find you have. I promise.

1) Notice your body
When we are living in Speedville, our life is governed by our thoughts, and we lose touch with our bodies. Our bodies may then feel neglected/abandoned (often mirroring how we felt as a child), and may develop physical symptoms, which force us to slow down and change our habits. I invite you to start paying attention to your body periodically throughout the day. (You could program your phone at random to remind you, if you wish.) Are you breathing? Where do you feel tight? If your body had a message for you, what would it be?

2) Connect with what you are trying to avoid
Whenever we are going a mile a minute, we are often trying to fill a void, or avoid something. When you feel as though your life is speeding out of control, I invite you to slow down, and start investigating. Is some part of you needing attention?

Loneliness, grief, shame, and anger are often emotions at the root of avoidance. Once you connect with what is behind the avoidance, make space for your feelings. Breathe into them. Give yourself empathy for whatever is there.

3) Do less
Look at your tasks for the day/week, and prioritize them. And schedule in breaks. Do one thing at a time, as much as possible. Although multi-tasking is highly valued, and to some extent hard to avoid, we are actually more efficient, and so much more present, when we can focus on one thing at a time. “Device-free” time slots—especially the first hour after waking up, and the last hour before going to bed—can change the quality of your day and sleep.

“Sometimes I think there are only two instructions we need to follow to develop and deepen our spiritual life: slow down and let go.” – Oriah Mountain Dreamer

 

4) Do things more mindfully
Thich Nhat Hanh, the Buddhist Vietnamese monk who has centers in France and the United States, is one of the biggest proponents of applying mindfulness to daily activities. Everything you do can be an opportunity to be mindful. While stopped in traffic or at a light, breathe and touch base with yourself. When walking, slow down, and feel the connection with the Earth with each step. I have found that waiting for BART (the Bay Area Rapid Transit train) is a great time for walking meditation. My favorite, though, is eating meditation: food tastes so much better when I slow down to taste it.

5) Bring yourself back to the present
A key to slowing down is being in the present moment. So much of our mental energy gets expended on ruminations about the past or worrying about the future. When you notice that you are talking to someone or doing something, but your mind is off on a totally different track, gently bring yourself back. Being present takes practice, but it may shift the quality of your life and your relationships significantly.

6) Take stock of what you have
Hurrying is inherently tied to a feeling of scarcity—of not having enough time, or being enough. When we abide in the state of “not enough-ness,” we bring a frenetic energy of fear and anxiety to our doing. One of my most helpful practices is writing a quick list of all the things that went well that day before going to bed, to counteract any part of my mind that tends to latch onto whatever went wrong.

A good way to slow down is therefore to start noticing all the things that are OK (or even good!) about this moment. I invite you to do this right now. Breathe. Feel your body. And ask yourself: What is OK right now? Then start feeling into the perfection of the moment.

© Jenny Brav

Why Slow is Smart2018-02-23T04:46:37+00:00
Radiant Wholeness Healing, 3099 Telegraph Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705 | (510) 221-6426 | Copyright 2016 Jenny Brav | All Rights Reserved
Go to Top