internal validation Archives - Radiant Wholeness Healing

The Inside Out Switch
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The Inside Out Switch

The Inside Out Switch

Have you ever noticed that your sense of well-being can shift in a split second? That perceived criticism, an interruption, or an unpleasant interaction can instantly dissolve your inner peace?

“At the center of your being you have the answer; You know who you are and you know what you want”- Lao Tzu

From an early age, we learn to derive our sense of okay-ness from external factors. As babies, we are completely dependent on the outside world to get our needs met. As children, most of us learn to do or not do certain things in order to get approval or stay out of trouble. As adults, many of us are still looking to the outside world to reassure us that we are okay and enough. This often causes us to mistrust and split off from our own inner knowing. Trauma, neglect, abuse and social discrimination can all exacerbate this disconnect.

The inside out switch

To understand this better, imagine that you have two switches.

The first is the outside in switch. In this mode, we are looking to the outside world for validation and a sense of safety. We may be prone to reactivity, anxiety, feeling shutdown, hyper-vigilance, the need to please others, etc.
The second is the inside out switch. In this mode, we derive our sense of well-being from internal cues. Even though we interact with and are impacted by the outside world, it doesn’t determine how we feel about ourselves. The focus is generally on being and on process, rather than on doing and outcome.

A good metaphor for the inside out switch is that of a tree. Even though the outside world (for example, too much/too little rain or fires) affects it, its circumstances don’t change its basic tree-ness or sense of worth. The following are some tips for reconnecting to your own internal compass.

Awareness

The first step is to start to be aware of what happens inside you. You might set your phone reminder to go off at random times, and check in to see which mode you are in. To practice awareness, I invite you to think of a person or situation (it could also be a pet peeve) that upsets you or throws you off balance. And as you do, feel into the following:

Where is your attention as you think about this situation (is it inside of you, or outside of yourself)?
Do you notice tension in your body as you remember the situation? If so, where, and what does it feel like?
What are the thoughts or judgments going through your mind?
Is this a familiar feeling?

Whenever we are strongly triggered by something, it is likely that the situation is activating something from our past. It might be linked to repeated experiences we had, or beliefs we developed about ourselves and the world. For example, we might have had a parent prone to unpredictable rage, which led to the belief that at any moment, something terrible might happen.

As we start to identify and understand these patterns, we can have a little more space from them. We can also start bringing our attention back inside ourselves when we notice that we have lost ourselves in our focus on the external.

Grounding

Next, it is very helpful to develop a grounding practice. This is any practice that helps you 1) connect more deeply to yourself, 2) feel embodied (that is, connected to your body, rather than being purely in your head) and 3) be in the present moment. Since I am highly sensitive and intuitive, learning to set and clear my energetic boundaries has been invaluable for me in learning to ground. Walking in nature, automatic writing, sports, gardening, art etc. can all be ways of grounding, as long as it meets the above criteria.

Guided meditation to ground and set your energetic field

The following guided meditation is intended to help you learn to ground and set your energetic field. Over the next week, I invite you to tune into yourself at different times during the day. Notice if you are in the “inside out” or “outside in” mode, and see if you can switch channels.

The Inside Out SwitchJenny Brav2022-02-03T14:35:05+00:00

Overcoming the Impostor Syndrome
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Overcoming the Impostor Syndrome

Overcoming the Impostor Syndrome

Do you ever feel like a fake in one or more areas of your life? That if others “found you out,” they would never want to speak to you again?

“I have written 11 books, but each time I think, ‘Uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.’” – Maya Angelou

My story
In 2009, I was the head of a small sub-office for the United Nations’ Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs in Western Nepal. Every day, I had to struggle to overcome the sense of not being worthy of the position – that they would soon find out they made a mistake in selecting me.

It’s an actual syndrome!
I was amazed when I looked it up a few years later, and discovered that the feeling I had experienced is a known and studied phenomenon with its own name: the impostor syndrome.

The term “the impostor syndrome” was first coined in the 1970s.
It is thought that up to 70% of the population will feel like a fake at some time in their lives.
Success seems to increase the fear, as successful people are particularly prone to feeling this way.

So now that you know you are in good company, what does that actually mean for you? And how can you overcome this feeling?

Valuing what comes easily for you
We are conditioned to give much more weight to the negative than the positive, something experts call a “negativity bias.” From an evolutionary perspective, remembering danger was critical to our survival. Nowadays, however, focusing on what’s wrong just leads to ruminative thoughts and a skewed perspective on things. In addition, too often we take for granted what we are naturally good at, without understanding why others make a fuss about our expertise.

To counter the impostor syndrome, try keeping a daily journal where you track all the things you did well during the course of the day. Also, write a list of all your skills, and reasons you might be worthy of praise. Imagining that someone who knows you very well is writing this list can help you open up and explore deeper.

Shifting the focus from external to internal
From a young age, we learn that certain parts of us are unacceptable, while others are prized and encouraged. That leads to an internal split, that fosters feelings that we need to hide aspects of ourselves, and amplify others. As children, since getting our needs met is dependent on our caretakers’ approval, our desire to please them is a good survival strategy. As adults, however, the constant need for external validation leads to a perpetual feeling of not being enough, and of needing to prove (or disprove) our worth.

In my next post, “The Inside Out Switch,” I will explore ways of deriving our sense of well-being from the inside out, instead of needing external validation and cues.

Overcoming the Impostor SyndromeJenny Brav2017-06-23T02:16:03+00:00