Channeled Message to Delight in the Messiness

These times are messy. All the old structures are collapsing. How could it be anything else? Divinely, beautifully, perfectly, disastrously messy. Delight in it. Imagine you are a child playing in mud.

Because in many ways that is what you are. Being reborn into a new iteration of you that is not trying to be anything other than what you are. And that is terrifying to the parts that learned being fully you wasn’t acceptable. Wasn’t safe.

Let it be terrifying. Chaotic. And magical. Full of possibility. The parts that want order and predictability are just vestiges of the old paradigm that is currently collapsing.

Play in the mud. Let yourself get dirty. Laugh in the wreckage of your old life. Find the humor, if you can. Remember this is all perfect.

Your circumstances are bringing to the surface all that is wanting to be released into the light. You can either flounder in the old and be trapped in the box, or stomp on it and pretend you have risen above out of anger, or fear, or aversion, but in fact you’ve only stowed away the box of wounds for them to arise again at another time for the love and healing they need.

Or instead, you can flatten the box, flip it over, bring love to all that has been stored there (the wounds, repressed emotions, old beliefs and coping strategies), find the ground beneath — at your feet and in the earth. And, when you have found your center again, the ground within, release the contents of the box back to light, vibration and sound. Like captive birds being freed from their cages at last.

 

 

© Jenny Brav

Channeled Message to Delight in the Messiness2024-07-19T22:14:42+00:00

New Beginnings *

What would you like to bring into your life in the New Year? Are there events or patterns from the past year you would like to clear?

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties.” – Helen Keller

As the earth tilts towards longer days, and the Gregorian calendar closes on another year, it is a good time to pause and reflect. Having spent many moons in countries that were on another calendar system altogether, I know how arbitrary the concept of the New Year (and when we celebrate it) is. And yet I find value in ritually acknowledging closings and new beginnings. It is all too easy to get caught up in the cogs of daily life and lose sight of the bigger picture of our soul’s desire for this lifetime.

The following are 6 suggestions for what I find to be a powerful ritual to greet in the New Year. You may want to bring out a few sheets of butcher paper, paints, crayons, magazine cutouts etc. to get creative. Doing this celebration with friends is fun as well. Although the following suggestions are tailored to welcoming in the New Year, you can tweak them for any ritual celebration of a new beginning.

1. What you are grateful for

Our minds are conditioned to focus on the negative for survival reasons. Gratitude practices are one way to start shifting our perspective so that what goes well in our life carries as much weight as what doesn’t. On one sheet of paper, write all the things you are grateful for in the past year. You might write down different areas in your life that are relevant, such as friends and family, health, work/education, home, creativity and inspiration, nature and outdoor activities, and so on. Or you can divide your year by month or quarter, if each one had a different flavor for you. Be as specific as possible.

2. What you are letting go of

Scan the different events of the past year and your reactions to them. Is there anything from the past year that is still having an impact on your thoughts and your nervous system that you feel ready to clear? Did some of your habitual patterns show up (such as blaming others, feeling overwhelmed, overriding your own boundaries etc.)? On a separate sheet of paper, write a list of what you want to let go of. You can keep this list as a reference point, or you can have a letting go ritual where you acknowledge the patterns for how they may have served you at some point, and then release them. You may burn (if you can do that safely) or tear up the list. Or you may brush the patterns off your body and imagine you are cutting any energetic cords that are still tying you to them.

3. What you learned

Now imagine that you are taking a bird’s eye view of your year, or that you are looking back on this year 5-10 years from now. Feeling into the challenges you faced, ask yourself what were you learning (whether you were aware of it or not) from those struggles? For example, were you learning to let go of control, to be patient, to trust, to know yourself better, to meet your own needs, to let go of a sense of victimhood? This exploration can give perspective to the letting go list, so that instead of seeing the challenges as unwanted events – or looking at your patterns as parts of yourself you want to get rid of – you can start feeling into the bigger picture of your soul’s journey.

4. What you are bringing in

Feel into what you would like to bring in for the next year. This can be qualities, such as equanimity, grounded-ness, trust, levity. Oftentimes what we are bringing in is closely link to the lessons we are learning. Write down the list on a separate piece of paper. Pause with each one, and really feel each quality in your body. What would it feel like to live your life from this place?

5. Specific goals/intentions

You can stay with the previous list of qualities, or if you wish you can refine it to include specific goals/intentions for the next year in your professional and personal life. What are you wanting to manifest more of in your life? I recommend being specific with your goal, and also keeping the list fairly short (for example, 3 for each category). In my experience, if I have too many goals they actually get diluted in my ability to create them. In an earlier blog post (“From Intention to Reality,” including a manifestation audio meditation), I wrote about how to identify and clear some of the blocks that might be getting in the way of realizing your dreams.

6. Asking for support

Many of us start the year with great intentions, and then quickly lose motivation. I find it helpful to have my goals somewhere visible, where I can see them every day. Asking for support from a friend to check in with you can also bolster accountability and a sense that somebody else cares if we complete our goal. If you work with any form of inner guidance, ask your guides/higher self/higher power to make this a reality. We often vacillate between a sense of needing to control and manage everything, and a feeling of overwhelm and collapse. In my experience, I am best able to create what I want with ease when I imagine I’m co-piloting my life with the universe – this continual dance of setting the course and then letting go and trusting.

 

 

New Beginnings *2023-11-27T19:26:46+00:00

Letting Go of Your Old Stories *

Do you have stories about yourself or the world that define your life? Are there certain patterns that keep on repeating throughout your life?

“When you hold onto a script that doesn’t serve you, you leave no space to write a new one that does.” – Jennifer Ho-Dougatz

 

Many of us have old stories or beliefs about ourselves and the world that rule our reactions and how we perceive things. We develop these beliefs in order to make sense of our circumstances, or in response to what others tell us. These beliefs or stories often enable us to overcome, or at least explain, difficult situations.

For example, a client who grew up in a war-torn country developed the belief that the world was a cruel place and that she could only depend on herself. This gave her the strength she needed to leave when she was 17, despite being terrified and alone. Decades later and living in very different conditions, however, this belief led her to fear and try to control the unknown, and was holding her back from thriving. Another client, who grew up in a large family with a mother who was overwrought with meeting the physical needs of her many children and couldn’t tend to their emotional needs, learned that his needs didn’t matter. Decades later, he would lose his sense of self in the face of his family’s demands, and was struggling to find his own identity.

The following are five tips for understanding and letting go of your old stories, so you can make space for new possibilities in your life:

# 1: Track recurrent patterns and internal conflicts
Whenever we experience patterns that keep on repeating themselves – be they in our relationships, work environments, or living situations – there is likely to be an old wound that’s wanting healing.

Start writing down conflicts or difficult situations you are currently dealing with or have in the past. Is there something familiar about this situation? Once you have listed some of your struggles, see if you can identify similar patterns that keep coming up for you. Track those patterns to determine if they occur most often in one type of situation (for example, at work or in your personal relationships) or if they are present across the board.

# 2: Make a list of your beliefs
Now that you’ve started identifying recurrent patterns in your life, I invite you to explore the beliefs about yourself that may be at the root of those patterns. One way to do that is to notice the stories and feelings that come up for you around the situations you listed in # 1. How do you feel? Invisible, like your needs don’t matter? Like others can’t handle you, that people are manipulative, that you are less than others? Next to the list of your patterns, start making a list of the beliefs about yourself and the world that you have identified.

# 3: Trace the beliefs back in time
Now that you have identified your beliefs, track them back in time to when you first started feeling something similar. What was happening at the time for you? How were you learning that your needs didn’t matter, or that the world is cruel, or that you would always be abandoned? They may have developed as a result of one traumatic incident, or of multiple similar incidents over time.

# 4: Acknowledge your story for its intention
We develop our beliefs and coping strategies for good reasons. And oftentimes, our automatic responses and ways of understanding the world were generated at a very young age. Send empathy to your younger self for the circumstances that led them to create the narrative they did at the time. If appropriate, also send acknowledgment to your story for having served you in some way. For example, it pushed you to try to be the best, or stay under the radar, or to put others first. And let your younger self know that your circumstances have changed, and that if you let go of the old story, they will be able to get what they most wanted back then but couldn’t have. For example, love, validation, the ability to be completely themselves.

# 5: Start writing your new narrative
Look at your list of beliefs and patterns. These are the unconscious blueprints with which you are running your life. It’s like a computer that’s still running on a very old operating system. And begin to write the new beliefs and new narrative you would like to have about yourself and the world.

When you feel the old story and feelings comping up again, I invite you to pause. Send your younger self love. Remind yourself that just because the old belief feels true (since you’ve been replaying this track over and over again for a long time) doesn’t mean it is true. And look over your list of new beliefs, picking one or two you want to focus on anchoring. Repeat this new belief to yourself whenever you notice yourself running the old program — until someday, this new belief becomes your new baseline.

“Don’t spend your life believing a story about yourself that you didn’t write that’s been fed to you – that simply you’ve accepted, embedded and added to. Let the story go and there beneath is the real you…and your unique gifts, heart and path that await you.”
– Rasheed Ogunlaru

Unraveling Old Stories

I unravel the old stories
Reified into my veins as truth.
As I untangle gnarled knots
Of “I can’t” and “not enough,”
Of overwhelm and anxiety,
They stream out
In colorful garlands
Of ease, trust, and adventure,
Paving the way
To new horizons —
Free from the fetters
Of my past.

© Jenny Brav

 

 

 
 

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Letting Go of Your Old Stories *2023-12-31T19:11:36+00:00

Valentine’s Day Love Letter to Life

It can sometimes feel like external factors need to come together before we can relax and enjoy the ride we’re on. But the truth is, whether we view it as such or not, we are in an intimate relationship with life. And it is how much (or how little) we show up for and honor this relationship which determines our happiness. Nothing else.

So this is my humble love letter to life. And if you feel so moved, I invite you to write your own–whether it be written or spoken. Danced or painted, or modeled through deed and action.

 

Dear Life,

Where to begin? I know I don’t extol your exquisiteness nearly enough. Instead, I often project my own fears and wounds onto you. Blame you for them.

I’m sorry for all the times I said you were too much. Too difficult. Overwhelming. Maybe even—in my darkest hour—that you sucked.

I’m sorry I haven’t spent every minute of every day letting myself be broken open by your beauty. Any time not spent celebrating you is wasted time.

I know, although I seem to need constant reminders, that you are perfect. That loving you full-heartedly, the good and the bad, heals everything. That, in fact, there is no bad.

All you have ever given me was in service to my growth. Helping me open to the power of my own soul. Which you continuously reflect back to me, whether I have the capacity to see it or not. I’m sorry I keep forgetting that you are, and have always been, on my side. By my side.

Thank you… Words pale in comparison to what you have given me … continue to give me. I struggle to find any that can adequately capture the breadth of your generosity. Your wisdom. How you always meet me exactly where I am. Give me only as much joy as I believe is possible. Only as much pain as is needed for my awakening.

I am learning to expand my capacity for receiving, so I get to experience the full force of your magic. Your limitlessness. I commit to treating each day I’m graced with the gift of your presence as the priceless treasure it is. To the best of my ability in that moment, in any case.

And I trust that when I forget, something will come my way to help me remember.

In love and profound gratitude

Jenny

Valentine’s Day Love Letter to Life2023-01-26T13:51:36+00:00

Making Space for Forgiveness *

Do you feel weighed down by the past? Can it be difficult to forgive yourself or others?

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it” – Mark Twain


In this era of flinging blame and pointing fingers, forgiveness often feels like a scarce commodity. While there is general consensus in the mental health world that forgiving and moving on is beneficial for our well-being, in practice the topic can be a thorny one.  Especially for those who have experienced trauma, abuse or neglect, forgiveness can seem like being asked to excuse what happened and to give the perpetrators a free pass. Or it may feel like one more instance of being asked to take the higher ground. In the case of something that we did, forgiveness may feel like letting ourselves off the hook.

Anger is an appropriate and important response to trauma or any kind of boundary violation, and being able to access and accept anger is often critical to healing. Conversely, anger at ourselves may be a first step towards owning and changing old patterns that no longer serve us. In the long-term, however, hanging onto resentment often keeps us energetically tied to the event or people we are angry at, and therefore unable to heal or move forward. When directed at ourselves, it may actually perpetuate the very behavior we are wanting to transform.

Whether you are working on forgiving either yourself or others, the following are six tips to help you on your journey:

#1 Accepting your anger

If we leap to forgiveness before connecting to and accepting our anger, we will merely be bypassing the hurt that is needing attention. The first step is therefore to validate the wisdom of the parts that are hanging onto resentment towards yourself and/or others.

To do that, feel into any part of you that is unwilling to forgive. Ask yourself what that part is trying to achieve for you. For example, it wants to protect you, punish someone (or yourself) for what happened, ensure it never happens again, motivate you to change, and so on. Send gratitude to that part for its intention for you. And ask yourself if holding onto the resentment has been effective in achieving the goal it has for you. If not, see if that part might be open to trying a different way.

#2 Accepting what is

Wherever there is a reluctance to forgive, there is usually resistance to accepting reality. Unfortunately, we cannot change the past, and resistance only further entrenches us in what happened since it prevents us from moving on.

Feel into ways that you may be resisting things that cannot be changed. Again, send gratitude to the resistance for trying to protect you. And then ask yourself how it might feel to simply allow things to be as they are, and move forward from there. For more tips on accepting things as they are, see my blog post on the topic.   

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” – Martin Luther King

#3 Realizing it’s not personal

If you are working on forgiving someone, it can be freeing to realize that whatever happened wasn’t personal (which doesn’t mean there isn’t a huge personal impact to you). Of course when something tragic happens or your boundaries are violated, it feels very personal. However, it’s not your fault. Other people’s actions are their responsibility. Freeing ourselves from responsibility for others’ behaviors actually creates more space for giving ourselves compassion. And eventually may give us compassion for the other’s pain, if that is appropriate.

If it feels safe and will not be too triggering, I invite you to call up the image of someone who you are having a hard time forgiving. You may want to set your energetic boundaries first as described in the guided meditation at the end of this blog post or do anything else that will help you feel grounded and safe. Give yourself plenty of space to feel and allow for any emotions that come up. And imagine that you are giving back – preferably without anger — anything you might be unintentionally holding of theirs. Their judgment, pain, anger, insecurity, jealousy, power struggles… You can say out loud “this is no longer mine to hold.”

#4 Forgiving yourself

Although it seems that forgiving ourselves means we are likely to repeat the same mistake, when we are angry at ourselves we are actually more likely to repeat the behavior, because there is an internal war going on. Taking full responsibility for our actions usually requires the ability to fully face and accept our own imperfections.  

Whether your anger is towards others or yourself, at least some of it is usually directed at yourself – be it consciously or unconsciously. Notice if there is a way you are blaming yourself.  Feel the impact that the self-blame is having in your body and heart. See if you can send yourself compassion for the pain that you have, instead. Ask yourself what you would need to be able to forgive yourself.

#5 Letting go of inherited pain

Often, when we have been hurt or hurt others, there are old ancestral wounds on both sides needing healing. While that doesn’t exonerate us from responsibility for our own actions, realizing that there are often generations of unresolved baggage wanting to be healed through us can sometimes help put things into perspective. The following is one resource for healing ancestral wounds: http://ancestralmedicine.org/ that has been very helpful to me in my path.

#6 Choosing freedom

Forgiveness only works if it is not an expectation, but a choice. And a choice you make not to be a better person, but because you want to free yourself of the burden of hanging on. Ask yourself, if today were the first day of the rest of yourself, would you want to be weighed down by resentment towards yourself or others? Close your eyes, and imagine in as much detail as you might be feeling and living your life if you chose forgiveness. 

 

Forgiveness

Is the lightness
In my step
As I shed
The old shackles
Tying me to my pain
And to your transgressions.

I release myself
From your shadow
And my own.

I unravel
The rope
Of suffering
Snaking back
Through centuries
Of inherited wounds.

I see past
My stories
To the mirror image
Of my sorrows
Reflected
In your eyes.

© Jenny Brav

 

 

 

Making Space for Forgiveness *2023-02-07T20:56:44+00:00

Beyond a Scarcity Mindset *

 

 

Does it seem like there’s never enough (time, money, appreciation etc.)? Do you feel tight and contracted when you think of the future? Do you compare yourself to others to assess how you are doing?

 

“Plant seeds of happiness, hope, success, and love; it will all come back to you in abundance. This is the law of nature.” – Steve Maraboli

“Abundance is not something we acquire. It is something we tune into” – Wayne Dyer.

Scarcity thinking is tight, competitive and narrow – predicated on the belief that there isn’t enough to go around. We are constantly scrambling – after time, validation, success – in order to prove that we are enough. This mindset is an adaptive response to external threats, and most likely stems from survival strategies developed by our ancestors. When resources are limited, being territorial and aggressive can help give us a competitive edge over others. Nowadays, however, for many of us this survival-based scarcity mentality is a stress-based negative feedback loop, fueled by our beliefs and past experiences rather than our current reality. Instead of helping us survive, it keeps us from thriving and manifesting our dreams.

During a session with one of my clients, we explored what we called her scoreboard – the way she was mentally keeping track in her relationships of who had the upper hand in generosity and giving. Although her scoreboard arose from a childhood experience that her needs were not important and from a desire for reciprocity, at this point it was just keeping her trapped in a small, contracted, and “tit for tat” world.

In this post, I will be describing nine ways of identifying and understanding the scarcity mindset, as well as eight tips for tuning into an abundance mindset.

Nine ways of recognizing when you are in a scarcity mindset:

1. Fight or flight mode

A scarcity mindset is intricately woven into being in survival mode. Many of us live in a state of hyper-arousal, where the slightest stressor gets interpreted by our nervous systems as a threat to our survival. Anxiety, hyper-vigilance, fear, reactivity and defensiveness are often signs of a scarcity mentality.

2. Not enough-ness

The basic premise for scarcity thinking is the idea that there isn’t enough to go around. Whenever we have a feeling that either we or others are not good enough, or that there isn’t enough [time, money, love, etc.] to go around, it is a good indicator that we are in scarcity mode.

3. Competitiveness

When there isn’t enough to go around, we need to fight for what’s ours, or somebody else will get our share. When we are in scarcity mode, we operate on a zero sum game of winners vs. losers. We are constantly trying to prove our worth. Even if we want to, it can be difficult deep down to celebrate others’ happiness and success, because it seems to highlight our own failure. As such, competitiveness, possessiveness, and envy can all point to a scarcity mindset.

4. Right/wrong thinking

Linked to a competitive win/lose mindset is right/wrong thinking. This is a black and white lens through which we view the world. In this mindset, we are constantly trying to prove that we are right, and differing viewpoints feel like a threat to our survival.

5. Keeping score

Another indicator of scarcity thinking is if we have an internal scoreboard that is keeping track of who did what. While fairness and reciprocity are both important values for many of us, tit for tat thinking can prevent us from accessing a space of open generosity and trust. For some people, paranoia and feeling like others are against us may also be tied to keeping score.

6. Waiting for the other shoe to drop

Another aspect of scarcity thinking is that even when things are going well, we are always waiting for something bad to happen. This is also linked to the negativity bias, by which we are evolutionarily trained to pay attention to negative cues in order to survive. As such, our attention is skewed towards remembering what is wrong rather than all the things that are going well.

7. Contraction and tightness

When we are in a scarcity mindset, our body is tight and contracted – ready to pounce at any moment, or in a state of fear. As such, a good way to know if we are in scarcity mode is to track our bodies.

8. Dissociation

Alternately, especially when we have a history of trauma, we may disconnect from our bodies altogether. This may take the form of a freeze state, where we feel stuck and dazed, unsure of what to do. Or our minds may take over, trying to manage everything by trying to figure things out.

9. Collapse or control

Another indicator of operating in a scarcity mindset is when we vacillate between states of collapse and control. In the first, we may feel powerless, hopeless, or in despair, and we have a sense of being at the mercy of the universe and others’ whims. In the other, we are trying to manage and control everything. Linked to the control mode is resistance to what is, and the feeling that things should somehow be different than they actually are.

So now that we have identified when we are operating from a scarcity mindset, how can we shift that?

8 tips for fostering an abundance mindset:

1. Acknowledge the scarcity mindset for its intention

When we make ourselves and our patterns wrong, we are merely reinforcing the right/wrong thinking. The first step to being able to shift out of this mindset is recognizing that we developed it for a reason. Oftentimes, the scarcity mindset is either a direct response to our childhood experience, or a pattern we inherited from our ancestral lineage – or both. Either way, acknowledge how being in survival mode helped you and/or your ancestors survive and get to where you are today. And start feeling into the possibility that this mindset no longer serves you.

2. Connect with your body

As noted above, a surefire way of identifying that you are in scarcity mode is tuning into your body. Start tracking when your body feels tight, numb, or when your thoughts spinning out of control.

Once you notice your patterns of tension and checking out, begin to cultivate ways of connecting to your body. This may be as simple as taking a deep breath or putting your hands on areas that feel tense. Or you may want to take up mindful practices such as meditation, qigong or yoga.

3. Keep a gratitude journal

A great way to counter the scoreboard mentality and the negativity bias is to start tracking all the things that are going well, and all the things you are grateful for. You can carry a notebook around with you to jot things down as they come to you, or write in a journal before going to bed, so the last thing you think of before sleep is all that went well, rather than mulling over problems. This isn’t about ignoring or neglecting actual problems needing attention, but is intended to start shifting your perspective from scanning for what’s wrong to recognizing the beauty accessible in each moment.

4. Acknowledge yourself and others

Once you start developing your capacity for gratitude, continue building that muscle by acknowledging yourself and others. You might also start tracking in your journal all the things you did right. In scarcity mode, we are often waiting for others to acknowledge us, whereas when we start tuning into an abundance mindset, we are able to give that to ourselves. And once you do, I invite you to start making it an intention to acknowledge and appreciate those around you. You may find that when others feel valued rather than criticized, their attitude towards you will shift too. And that way we can start valuing what we have when we have it, rather than just when we lose it.

5. Cultivate a win-win mindset

From an abundance perspective, rather than there being a finite amount of happiness to go around – meaning that if one person thrives, someone else is miserable – we recognize that we are all here to flourish and to inspire others to do the same. So the next time you feel like you have to fight for recognition, or that someone else’s success is taking away from you, ask yourself how things would be if this were a “win-win” game, rather than a zero sum game.

6. Begin to accept what is

Part of what keeps us stuck in a scarcity mindset is the belief that things should be different than they are, which leads us to resist reality. In order to start shifting out of that mode, I invite you to start noticing when you are fighting with the way things are (which might include fighting with how you are). And ask yourself: what is the resistance achieving for me? What would happen if I assumed that everything is as it should be?

7. Go on a technology/media fast

Although technology is an integral part of most of our lives, an over-consumption of news and media can exacerbate a scarcity mindset due to a) advertisements and programs that feed our fears, b) news that is focused on disasters and crises c) a plethora of distractions with which we can check out. For a week, try limiting your media consumption to certain times of the day, and notice how that impacts your perspective on things (including your sleep, which is vital to an abundance mindset).

8. Imagine you are co-creating your life with the universe

When you find yourself oscillating between collapse and control, ask yourself what it would be like if you were co-piloting your life with the universe. Rather than being at the mercy of the world or in total control of everything, see if you can find that sweet spot where you set a course, while trusting that wherever you are has its own wisdom you may not have the perspective to understand right now.

© Jenny Brav

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beyond a Scarcity Mindset *2024-05-28T11:58:53+00:00

From Why to Hi *

“Why am I still so afraid of expressing myself? I know I have no reason to be!” a client recently asked in frustration. Although the specifics vary from person to person, exasperation is a common experience when one part of us has outgrown a belief or coping strategy, but another part of us is continuing to hang on for dear life.

Having the insight that our beliefs/emotions/coping strategies don’t match our circumstances can be a helpful first step towards transformation. In and of itself, however, it’s not enough to effect change. And when coupled with impatience and the need to understand, that knowing can actually slow the process down significantly.

In this blog post, we’ll explore how we can shift our “why” into a “hi,” which is much more likely to move us towards lasting change.

Why/What/How Energy

The mind wants to know. That’s its job. And for many of us, we’ve learned that our analytical brain can provide safety and a sense of control in an unpredictable world. However, when we want to know why we’re feeling a certain way (or “how” to change it, or even “what” we’re meant to learn from it), the underlying message we’re sending to that part of us is that there is something wrong with it. Which merely reinforces the shame that usually led to the belief, wound and/or coping strategy in the first place.

Reinforcing Shame

Energetically, shame is one of the stickiest of emotions, and one of the main reasons we may find it difficult to shift out of old patterns. As children, many of us were given the message that we shouldn’t be feeling the way we were, and we certainly shouldn’t be expressing it. Or that some aspect of our being-ness needed to be changed/fixed for us to be accepted and/or safe.

Therefore, anything that resembles judgment (which “why” certainly does) is merely going to reinforce the wounding and the strategies. As cliché as it might seem, compassion is the only energy that will allow our younger parts to feel safe enough to begin to let go.

“Hi” Energy

What if, instead of saying “Why am I feeling fear?” you simply said “Hi fear (or anger, hopelessness, resistance…)”? The hi immediately brings an energy of welcoming. Of allowing things to be as they are. “Hi part of me that’s not ready to change.” “Hi part of me that’s impatient and ready to be done with this.” “Hi overwhelm.”

Saying hello is simple, easy to remember, and the perfect antidote to judgment and “either/or” beliefs. In this space, every part of us can show up at the table, and we can acknowledge each one for what it’s trying to achieve for us (even if the methods can sometimes use some upgrading :>).

Curiosity vs. Analysis

Once we are in that “hi” energy, we can be curious about the origins of our beliefs, emotions, or habits, without bringing judgement to them. While curiosity might seem similar to “why,” the feeling tone of it is actually the opposite. Instead of coming in with preconceived notions of the desired outcome, we’re merely wanting to know more, and are open to wherever the journey takes us. While most of us hate being analyzed, it usually feels good to sense someone’s interest in knowing more about us!

In the case of the client mentioned in my first sentence, our exploration led us to discover that the fear of self-expression actually originated with his maternal grandmother, whose husband was extremely abusive. It was then passed on to his mother, who had to keep the family secret in order to maintain appearances.

While the support of a trained professional might be helpful in the deeper exploration that curiosity can bring us to, “hi” is accessible to all of us, at all times. And you may be surprised by how transformative this seemingly small step can be!

Once we’re comfortable with using the “hi” for ourselves, this can also be a powerful way to change how we hold other people’s behaviors. Rather than greeting our child, partner, coworker, friend, or parent with the unspoken but felt energy of “why [the h***] are you doing XYZ/acting that way??” what if we approached them with that same feeling of allowing and accepting? I invite you to play with your capacity for saying “hi” to whatever arises, and see where it takes you.

Feel free to share the results in the Comments section.

©Jenny Brav

 

 

 

 

From Why to Hi *2022-02-15T14:55:26+00:00

Beyond Self-Doubt *

 

Does doubt get in the way of your desires and goals? Do you find yourself paralyzed with fear when making decisions?

“Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.”

– William Shakespeare

 

 

Most (if not all of us) experience doubt at some point, a time when we are unsure of what to do or second-guess a decision we have made. For some, however, self-doubt is a crippling part of daily reality and can lead to paralysis and self-sabotage.

In my experience, self-doubt is a survival strategy that we may inherit from those around us, or learn at a time when being in our power feels dangerous. Just as bravado can be a false substitute for self-esteem, self-doubt can be a stand-in for humility. Wherever there is doubt, there is an internal split between our own knowing and the part of ourselves that has learned to mistrust our intuition.

The following are five tips for understanding and healing self-doubt so you can move through your life with greater ease and confidence.

# 1: Observe your doubt

I invite you to start tracking your doubt, noticing both situations in which you go into doubt and/or criticism, and those (if accessible) when you feel sure of yourself and in your power. Start noticing what triggers your self-doubt. What does your self-critic have to say to you when you go into doubt? Where do you feel it in your body when you feel doubt? Ask yourself if these feelings are familiar. Conversely, notice what it feels like when doubt isn’t present. How does that feel in your body? What are the conditions present then? If it feels like those moments are not currently accessible keep going through the points in the blog post and see if that shifts.

# 2: Track the doubt back in time

Now that you are starting to get more acquainted with your patterns of doubt, we can explore what the doubt is trying to achieve for you. I invite you to think back to your earliest memory of doubting yourself (you may not have any memories of not doubting yourself, which is also useful information). What was happening at the time? Did someone model doubt for you? Did you get any negative messages about being in your power (i.e. that you were arrogant, or would be punished)? Ask your doubt what it is trying to protect you from? While it might not seem that doubt serves any function but to make your life miserable, when you (or the family member you inherited it from) first developed this pattern it served a vital purpose.

# 3: Send empathy to the doubt

With the understanding that the doubt isn’t trying to hold you back but is doing what it thinks is needed to protect you, see if you can send empathy to your doubt and to the younger part of you who developed this pattern of self-doubt. Imagine that your current self is with your younger selves, sending them gratitude for having done whatever was needed to survive. And letting them know that their circumstances have changed, and that now is their time to thrive. That it is finally safe to reconnect with the inner knowing they had felt they had to separate from in order to avoid punishment or get a sense of belonging.

# 4: Connect with your body and grounding

Linked to doubt is often a feeling of a small self, of being at the mercy of the world. Doubt is our mind’s way of trying to control things and trying to hedge the outcome, which usually leads our thoughts to spin around in circles. In my experience, the best way to overcome endless rumination and fear of getting it wrong is to connect to your own intuitive knowing, which is most easily accessed when we are in fully inhabiting our bodies (rather than just walking minds).

If you can, think of a time when you had an intuitive knowing about a situation or decision. How did that feel in your body? Every day, spend a minute or two calling up that feeling in the body (and if nothing comes up, skip this and go on to the step described in the next sentence). Now, make a list of activities that help you feel more connected to yourself and your body. The list might include gardening, taking walks or hikes, swimming, dancing, creating art, journaling, meditating, doing yoga, going to the gym and so on. Commit to doing something each day, even for 5 minutes, that helps you feel more in your body.

# 5: Imagine that there is no way of getting it wrong

Also connected to doubt is the idea that is the belief that if we don’t “get it right,” the consequences may be dire. As such, we may end up approaching each of our actions and decisions with a heavy sense of dread and terror of getting it wrong.

At the beginning of my transition from international humanitarian work to setting up my own healing practice, I went through a period of doubt. One day while in meditation, I asked for support in reconnecting with my own knowing and clarity. As I breathed into the tightness in my chest, I accessed this clear sense that I was neither in charge of my life nor at the mercy of the universe (the two ends of the pendulum I often swung between), but rather co-piloting my life with the universe. As I explored this possibility, I was able to feel that I was supported in each moment. And that even when things weren’t going as I hoped, in hindsight I was always getting the exact lesson that I needed to grow and heal old wounds and limiting beliefs. When I was able to see that there was no way of getting it wrong, I could approach each moment with a sense of openness and curiosity.

We are not here to get it right, but to have fun, explore the edge of possibility, and grow from the lessons embedded in our “mistakes”.

Doubt is the undertow of my dreams
The refuse of old wounds pulling me down
Into a netherworld of fear.
Doubt keeps me trapped
In the illusion of a small self
And clouds the console of my internal compass —
Which goes beyond a fear-based sense of right and wrong
And spreads to all four corners of my intuitive knowing.
As I shed the remnants of doubt from my heart and soul
I feel the flow of life returning to my veins.
I am home.

 © Jenny Brav

 
 

 

Beyond Self-Doubt *2022-10-18T10:04:47+00:00

On the Other Side of Grief *

Have you experienced a significant loss that is currently impacting your life? Do you alternate between numbness, anger, and overwhelming sadness?

“Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life’s search for love and wisdom.” – Rumi

We can experience grief with any type of loss or life change – be it the death of a loved one, loss of health, changing jobs, the end of a relationship and so on. While the emotion is often overwhelming, grief can also be a gift – a window into a deeper understanding of ourselves and a passage to more meaningful connection.

For me, grief was a gateway for compassion and my desire to help others, as well as the impetus for my own healing. As a child, I experienced the sudden death of a number of loved ones, starting with my father’s when I was eight. A few months later, I developed asthma, and the following year I was hospitalized for pneumonia. Although I seemed to have outgrown the asthma in my late teens, when I started doing humanitarian work in conflict zones – and especially following my mother’s sudden death of a heart attack when I was 25 – I developed chronic asthmatic bronchitis. On my journey to heal my lungs, I discovered Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). In TCM, the lungs are associated with grief. This connection opened a door for a deeper understanding of the mind body connection, and set me on the path of helping others through healing that I am on today.

The following are six tips for deepening your understanding of your grief, and helping you get to the other side.

  1. Allow space for your feelings

In our culture, we often equate stoicism with coping well with grief. However, unprocessed emotions are often at the core of addictive behaviors and physical symptoms. The first step towards healing is the ability to be with the emotions that are coming up, whatever they may be – anger, resentment, hopelessness, resistance, sadness. Send yourself empathy for what is coming up for you.

  1. Connect with your body

When we start to be with our emotions, we may find ourselves getting overwhelmed by them, or looping into stories. According to Dr. Jill Taylor – a neuroanatomist whose book My Stroke of Insight describes her eight year journey to recover from a stroke – it takes 90 seconds for the chemical reaction of an emotion to flush through the body. Anything longer than that means that we are resisting the feeling, or assigning meaning to it. If you notice the emotions and/or your thoughts spiraling, focus on your breath and the physical sensations in your body, until these have subsided.

  1. Understand that grief is non linear

In our society, we measure progress in a linear fashion, and judge anything else to be a step backwards. Grief, however, comes in waves that are not linear. Accepting that grief has its own rhythm will help reduce the resistance and self-judgment that will only cause more suffering.

  1. Separate out the present from the past.

Riding the waves of grief is different than getting stuck in old stories, though the feeling of it can be similar. Current experiences of grief often trigger old feelings and beliefs. For example, feelings of abandonment, overwhelm, and powerlessness, or the belief that we are always going to be left, that life is unfair. Once we clear the old baggage, we can often be with the current feelings with more ease, and move forward more quickly. Notice if the emotions and thoughts that are coming up for you around your loss feel familiar. If so, see if you can trace them back to a time in your past when you experienced something similar. Give your younger self empathy for whatever was going on back then.

  1. Seeking support

In many cultural traditions, healing grief is a collective responsibility. The more alone and isolated we are in our grief, the longer it can take to heal. Look for ways that you can share your feelings – be it through dancing, writing, joining a support group, taking a grief class, finding a therapist or healer, and so on.

  1. Finding closure

As mentioned above, emotions pass quickly unless we have a belief or story that prevents them from moving through us. Unresolved issues and “what if” questions are often what keep grief stuck in us. Writing a letter to the person or thing we are grieving, or organizing a closing ceremony (for more on that read my “the Lost Art of Closing Rituals” blog post), can be a helpful way of getting closure.

Personal Reflections

Grief is the well of sadness in my chest, and the constriction in my lungs. It is the caged bird longing to be released. It is the part of me that is hanging onto the “could haves” and the “should haves.” It is an oceanic wave that engulfs me and wrings me clean. Grief is the culmination of my hopes and fears. It is a reminder of life’s impermanence, and the preciousness of each moment. Grief is both the hanging on and the letting go.

And on the other side of grief is love. Joy. Beauty. Gratitude. When I stay with each wave without resistance or distractions, and I remain present with my heart even as it shatters open, there is a moment when — finally — everything subsides. I can see more clearly, and hope stirs in my chest. Like a flower bud emerging from the earth after a thundershower. And I am able to touch more deeply into the truth of my being here. On the other side of grief is immeasurable peace.

© Jenny Brav

 

 

 

 

On the Other Side of Grief *2022-02-16T19:48:00+00:00

From -Ism to Is-ness

Have you experienced prejudice and discrimination because of race, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, ability, religion, nationality, ethnicity etc.? Do the effects continue to impact your beliefs about yourself and the world?

“We recall our terrible past so that we can deal with it, to forgive where forgiveness is necessary, without forgetting; to ensure that never again will such inhumanity tear us apart; and to move ourselves to eradicate a legacy that lurks dangerously as a threat to our democracy.” – Nelson Mandela

sunset-734049_1280Core wounding
In our essence, we are all whole and complete within ourselves. However, as babies and children, we are dependent on the outside world to get our physical and emotional needs met. We thus learn to derive our sense of safety and self from external cues. Core wounds occur whenever there is a split between ourselves and our sense of wholeness. We learn that we need to change, suppress, or trade-off certain parts of ourselves to feel safe or get our needs met. There are countless possible causes for core wounding: birth trauma, fear, abuse, anxious/overwhelmed caretaker(s), multi-generational trauma, neglect etc.

As a response to the pain of what we experience, we develop a belief about ourselves and the world, such as: “I’m not safe, I am not enough, I am not lovable, nobody is going to protect me.” We then develop compensatory strategies to overcome those beliefs, as well as distractive strategies to avoid feeling the pain of our beliefs.

Wounding experienced in our families is insidious enough. Its effects are further compounded by societally endorsed discrimination/prejudice. Many of us have grown up with (and may continue to live with) pernicious messages that some part of our identity is simply not OK, or is less than. This often causes a split between the part of us that learns to defend ourselves and tries to prove others wrong, and the part of us that internalizes some of the messages we have received.

While this is a huge topic, and cannot be addressed in one blog post, the following are four suggestions and a guided meditation for starting to heal some of the internal effects of discrimination.

#1 Exploring internalized beliefs
What messages did/do you receive about yourself that were/are “otherizing” and/or discriminatory in nature? What is the impact on your life now? Notice what you feel in your body as you start calling up these messages. Are there any places that feel tight, achy, or numb?

What coping strategies have you developed in response to these messages? Start noticing if there is a split in your psyche between the part of you that gets angry and tries to defend yourself, and the part that may have internalized some of the messages of not being enough?

#2 Compassion
The first step to healing is self-compassion. While it may seem obvious, many of us have learned to be our own harshest critics, especially when we are wanting to change. Notice any negative messages you are sending yourself, and send yourself love and understanding for that, knowing that this is an old strategy for trying to motivate yourself. And ask yourself if there is any way you can treat yourself more kindly.

The effect of discrimination and the internal split it causes often activates a trauma response in us. If you notice yourself going into fight/flight or (very commonly) freeze, instead of getting angry with yourself, see if you can send love to yourself.

#3 Forgiveness
Forgiveness can be a sticky topic, as it can seem like an invitation to condone or ignore structural inequality and prejudice. It may not always be accessible or appropriate. When we are able to access forgiveness, it is for ourselves, not the other. The intention is not to accept what has happened or social inequity, but rather to free ourselves from its effects so we are not held back from being our highest selves because of outsider fear energy that has been projected onto us.

Is there any particular event or person that you are not able to forgive? First give yourself compassion for the pain and anger that reside in you, knowing they are there for a reason. Give yourself permission to hang onto the anger as long as you need to feel safe. And then, start positing the possibility that at some point, you may be able to let go of what happened (or is happening, if it is ongoing). Not to condone it, but so you can be free from its effects. Knowing that whatever happened it had nothing to do with you. They were just acting out based on their fear and the messages they had received about power and the world.

#4 Reconnecting to your wholeness
Start feeling into the part of you that knows, deeply, that you are OK exactly as you are. If that feels like science fiction right now, you can put a hand on your heart and one on your belly, and breathe. Otherwise, imagine a situation where you feel completely yourself. It may be doing a creative activity, or a sport, or out in nature. Notice how that feels in your body, and invite your cells to memorize this feeling. This is your birthright. This is who you really are. Whole and complete. Exactly as you are.

The following is a guided meditation to start getting in touch with and heal our wounded younger parts (and if the wounding happened later in life, work with that age).

© Jenny Brav

From -Ism to Is-ness2022-02-03T14:34:54+00:00
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