Cultivating Greater Self-Love and Acceptance *

Can you be your own worst critic? Is loving and accepting yourself contingent on changing all the things you don’t like about yourself?

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” – C.G. Jung

In Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT, or tapping), the standard setup sentence is a variation on “even though I have [_____ fill in the issue you are working on], I deeply and completely love and accept myself.” For many of us, however, the idea of loving ourselves as we are seems like science fiction.  This may due to a history of receiving praise or rewards for good behavior or achievement, and of getting negative feedback/punishment for misbehavior or under-achieving. We may also have learned that loving ourselves was tantamount to arrogance.

In the healing world and spiritual realms, however, it has become accepted wisdom that whatever we resist persists, and that the gateway to change is actually being able to accept ourselves as we are. Easier said than done, for many of us.

The following are 8 tips for cultivating greater self-love and acceptance.

Note: For some people, the word love itself is a loaded term. Clients sometimes say: “I don’t even know what the word love means!” If that is the case for you, you can replace the word love with acceptance, empathy, or any other word that resonates with you.

# 1 Notice your self-judgments

For the duration of this article, I invite you to take off the hat of self-critic, and put on your curious explorer hat. Imagine that you are an anthropologist newly arrived in the land of You, who is wanting to understand what makes you tick. With that perspective in mind, I invite you to start noticing what gets in your way of accepting yourself. Are there specific themes or patterns to your self-judgment? For example, does your self-critic get activated about your appearance, your performance, your articulateness, an addictive habit, your productivity, your ability to socialize with others? Do you ruminate about the past, or compare yourself to others?  

I recommend keeping a daily judgment journal for a week. Either as you go or at the end of the day, jot down the thoughts and self-criticisms you noticed coming up during the day, or any way you felt disappointed in yourself. If self-judgment is not the main obstacle to loving yourself (but rather an addictive behavior, being too other-focused, and so on), track that instead.

#2 Notice the impact on your body and emotions

Now that you have a sense of what your judgment patterns are, start noticing what happens in your body when you judge yourself. Do certain areas of your body contract? Are those habitual areas of holding for you? What emotions arise when you are hard on yourself? Do you feel shame, frustration, helplessness, anger, overwhelm, defensiveness and so on? Do you want to check out? After a few days of tracking your judgments, start adding the physical and emotional impact of your self-criticism in your judgment journal.

#3 Acknowledge your patterns for trying to help you

Ask yourself what your judgment is trying to achieve for you? Is it wanting to motivate you to do better? Get you to change a negative pattern of behavior? Do better than those around you? Prevent you from experiencing failure by keeping you from trying?

Send gratitude to your judgment and self-critic for what they are trying to achieve for you. And then ask yourself how well it’s been working for you. Does judging yourself actually motivate you to work harder, or does it just lead to feeling bad about yourself and wanting to give up? And is there another way to meet the same need that might be more effective?

#4 Trace the pattern to its roots

After a week of keeping your journal, start feeling into the beliefs about yourself that might be underlying your judgments. For example: “I always mess things up,” “no matter how hard I try it’s never enough,” “it’s OK for others but not for me.” Start noticing if the belief feels familiar. Ask yourself: “if there was an age when I first started believing this, what age (or time frame) might that be?” And see if any number or memory pops up. If not, do not worry about it, you can just stay with the belief itself. Otherwise, start feeling into what was happening at the time, or who you might have gotten that belief from. Whose voice or judgments (either about you or themselves, or both) might you have internalized?

#5 Send yourself compassion and forgiveness

Now that you have identified where some of your patterns come from, see if you are able to give yourself compassion for the messages you might have received about yourself. If you aren’t able to have compassion for your current self, try sending empathy to your younger self. At the same time, begin to open to the possibility of forgiving yourself for having absorbed these messages. If you have regret over the past, things you did or didn’t do, see if you can forgive yourself for that, too. Realizing that when you withhold love from yourself, you are likely to perpetuate the mistakes you are beating yourself for. Remember that accepting yourself doesn’t mean giving up or resigning to an unwanted fate. It just means that you are no longer fighting with what is. In fact, it is often only when we are truly able to be love ourselves unconditionally that old stuck patterns begin to shift, because it was conditionally of love that made us develop the coping strategies in the first place.

#6 Start welcoming the parts that have been rejected

As you begin to give yourself compassion, begin to feel into the possibility of accepting even the parts of you that seem unacceptable. Most of us make self-acceptance conditional on living up to our expectations of ourselves, which means that we split off from parts of ourselves that feel unworthy of love. However, those neglected or hidden parts often manifest as our shadow or self-sabotage patterns, trying to get our attention. The more we are able to embrace all of ourselves, including the parts we are less than proud off, the more likely we are to feel whole and integrated.

Feel into the parts of yourself you have been judging. It may be your fear, your vulnerability, your anger… Or it may be the part of you that shuts down and goes into overwhelm, or the part that wants to check out and distract. And see if you can start welcoming that part in. If it helps, perhaps put a hand on your body where it felt tight earlier. And give that part reassurance. For example “it’s ok. I’m here. Even though I’ve been angry at you, I’m open to accepting you are here.” Or whatever feels genuine to you.

#7 Honor your strengths

Our minds are conditioned to focus on the negative. In order to begin shifting your perspective, I invite you to start making a list of your strengths. Transform your judgment journal into a gratitude and celebration journal. Every day, write down something about yourself that you want to honor, and/or that you are grateful for.

#8 Connect to your future self

If accepting and loving yourself as you are still feels elusive (and even if it doesn’t), I invite you to call in a future self who is at peace with themselves. You may get an image of them, or just a felt sense. Imagine that you are approaching this version of you, and letting them know that you are struggling with accepting yourself as you are. Ask for any message or advice they may have for you to get to where they already are. You may also ask for their support in helping you heal any remaining limiting belief or outdated coping strategy that may be getting in your way. If it feels accessible, imagine you are merging with this version of you. How does it feel in your body to accept yourself? How are you living your life? Feel this in every cell of your body. Feel yourself embodying this version of yourself every day for 21 days, and by the end of that time you are likely to feel more at peace with yourself. 

“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit” – E.E. Cummings

© Jenny Brav

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cultivating Greater Self-Love and Acceptance *2024-04-02T12:24:31+00:00

Navigating Cycles of Death and Rebirth *

Do you feel heavy, exhausted, or stuck? Is some area of your life in crisis, or simply feels like it no longer fits?

“How can you rise, if you have not burned?” – Fatima Ahmad Ibrahim

Have you ever noticed that, when viewed in hindsight, the darkest times in your life are often followed by a sense of renewal or growth? In Shamanic terms, cycles of death and rebirth refer to periods in our life when part of us—be it a belief, a coping strategy, or situation—is ready to die in order to make way for a bigger version of us to emerge. However, the death part of the cycle can feel very uncomfortable when you’re in the middle of it, which is why I’m focusing on that part of the cycle specifically.

The following are possible indicators that you are in a cycle of death and rebirth, as well as four tips that might help you get through the death part of the cycle with more ease.

You might be in a death-rebirth cycle if one or more of these are present:

1. An area of your life (such as your health, finances, relationship, or work) is in crisis

This is often a sign that old patterns no longer serve us, but some part of us is hanging on for dear life, which may lead us into an acute situation.

2. Things feel dense, heavy and dark

Even when the situation is not acute, you might feel weighed down (physically and/or emotionally), and have the sense of wanting to shed something. This could lead to feeling stuck, depressed, lethargic, or irritated/frustrated.

3. You feel like you’re regressing into old patterns

Although this one might feel counter-intuitive, one sign that you are on the cusp of a rebirth is the resurgence of old patterns. This is often the case because whatever young part developed the pattern you are ready to shed is scared and doesn’t know it’s safe, so there’s some backlash to the changes wanting to occur.

4. You’re feeling anxious, and like there’s no ground beneath you

Especially if you have chronic anxiety, these periods of transition will probably trigger fear and agitation. It is important to remember that your anxious thoughts are not telling you the truth of your situation, but are merely indicators of a part of you needing love and attention.

Four tips for cycles of death and rebirth:

1. Identify what you are sloughing off

If one of the above indicators resonates with you, I invite you to get curious about what might be wanting to shift. I.e. if an area of your life is in crisis, what might it be pointing to that’s wanting healing. Is it a belief about yourself or the world? A way of being in the world that no longer fits (such as people pleasing, or needing to be right…)

Although not absolutely critical to the process, it can be helpful to name what it is that you might be letting go of, such as: a pattern of distraction and checking out; a strategy of staying small and under the radar; the need to fight for attention; the belief that you’re all alone…

2. Bring loving attention to the scared/resistant (younger) parts

Once you identify what you’re letting go of, feel into any young part that might be scared, or resisting. Is there an age/age range or memory associated with the patterns? If not, no worries, you can just focus on the feelings.

Send compassion to the part of you that is scared or resisting. This could simply mean putting a hand on a part of your body that feels tight, agitated, numb, or achy. Or you could say some caring words such as “I know it’s scary. Of course it is. This is reminding you of all the times you got the message it wasn’t safe to… And we can hang onto this as long as we want to. And, it’s possible it is safe. We are ready. We have more resources and choices than we did then…”

3. Make space for grief

Just because it’s in our highest interest to grow and evolve doesn’t mean there won’t be grief about letting go of old and familiar patterns and beliefs. It’s important to be gentle and patient, and to make space for grief.

4. Trust

We tend to interpret the death cycles as wrong and bad, which is understandable because they can feel so uncomfortable and/or dire. However, that only leads to resistance and  fighting with what is, which prolongs and exacerbates the discomfort. Once you start learning to identify these patterns, you can begin to trust and surrender that whatever is happening is for your highest good.

And even if you don’t know what that is, you can trust that further down the line, when viewed in hindsight, these dark times will be followed by a sense of renewal or growth.

 

 

 

 

 © Jenny Brav

Navigating Cycles of Death and Rebirth *2024-02-27T15:05:07+00:00

Clear Energetic Boundaries *

Do you ever feel like a sponge for other people’s stuff? Do some interactions leave you feeling depleted?

“Boundaries are, in simple terms, the recognition of personal space” –Asa Don Brown

When I first started soap-bubble-824550_1920doing healing work, there were days when I would come home feeling drained and un-grounded. As I began learning about energetic boundaries and practicing different grounding techniques, I discovered ways that I could use my natural intuitiveness while still maintaining my own energetic integrity. That discovery has been transformative both in my work and also in my intimate relationships. I feel less reactive, as well as better able to own my own needs and feelings.

The following are 5 tips for better energetic boundaries.

#1 Notice when you feel drained or depleted

We are constantly engaged in an energy exchange. This includes: how we spend our time, how much we work, what we eat, the people we spend time with, and so forth. Pushing past our limits is a culturally endorsed habit, and according to Psychology Today, a 2008 survey found that over 50% of Americans reported getting less than 7 hours of sleep. However, feeling chronically exhausted or depleted 1) is a clear sign that something is off-balance and 2) makes it harder for us to be in touch with or respect our boundaries.

I invite you to start tracking when you feel depleted/drained, and begin noticing factors it might be linked to, such as work stress, under-sleeping, lack of exercise, being around certain (types of) people or energies, tension with your loved ones, and so on.

In a separate column, write down what some of your go-to coping strategies for stress, and notice if those generally help you feel more energized. The ways we manage stress or check out (such as stress eating, drugs, alcohol, or compulsive use of technology) often actually serve to worsen our energetic depletion.

#2 Notice what helps you feel energized and grounded

Next, I invite you to write down what helps you feel more grounded and in your body. This may include having a certain amount of alone time each day or conversely a certain amount of social time, spending time in nature, movement/exercise, meditating, gardening and so forth. Close your eyes, and imagine you are doing one of those practices. Notice what that feels like in your body. Are there areas that relax of feel expansive? Breathe into those areas, and invite in more space.

# 3 Develop a daily routine that is nurturing

Looking at your list of activities/situations that are depleting and those that are replenishing, develop a daily or weekly schedule for maintaining your inner equilibrium. Try it for a week, and see how it feels.

For example, I have a checklist of daily activities that are nurturing (such as daily meditation, daily yoga, 15 minutes of writing, a daily break, going to bed by a certain time) and things to avoid (such as computer use the first hour after getting up and the last half hour before going to bed, sugar and wheat, spending more than 30 min on social media). When I do/avoid those things, respectively, it really improves my moods, my sleep, and my ability to cope with other people’s energy.

#4 Balance your energy field

Now that you have more of a sense of your daily energetic transactions, and what helps accrue or deplete your energy, I invite you to start exploring your energy field. All of us have an electro-magnetic field (or aura) around us. When we are balanced, our aura is about an arm’s length from the body in all directions, following the contour of the body.

Although it is particularly useful to be grounded when we are more stressed, for most of us those situations are when we feel most off kilter. This can result in our energy field being wobbly, thin, heavy, lopsided, or leaky. Boundary violations experienced in childhood can also lead to habitual patterns of either rigid or loose boundaries—or flip-flopping between the two.

At the end of the post is a guided meditation (also included in my “The Inside Out Switch post) that will help you learn to sense your energy field and ground. I recommend doing it twice a day—once in the morning to set your energy field, and once at night to clear it of anything you might have picked up during the day—for a week. Again, notice any differences. And if it is helpful, consider making this a regular practice

#5 Self-acceptance as a path to clear and loving boundaries

Many of us confuse boundaries with emotional armoring. In fact, the more we are grounded in ourselves, the easier it is not to take things personally and to have greater compassion for the other (as well as for ourselves). Indeed, having clear boundaries has little to do with others, and everything to do with our relationship to ourselves. Whenever we override our own limits/internal no, there is some part of us that minimizes our own needs. I invite you to notice all the place where you judge yourself or feel contracted. And practice sending compassion and acceptance to those places.

“Be in your own skin, as an act of self-loving.” –H. Raven Rose

Grounding Meditation:

Note: part of this guided meditation was adapted from practices learned at Psychic Horizons.

 

 

 

 

 

 
© Jenny Brav

Clear Energetic Boundaries *2022-11-29T13:23:28+00:00

Befriending Your Inner Critic *

Do you have a voice inside your head that can sometimes be your worst enemy? Chiding you, berating you, shaming you? Or perhaps rehashing the same thing over and over? Do you wish you could love yourself more, but that seems impossible until you’ve changed certain things about yourself?

My Journey

My inner critic’s favorite channel is the “not enough” channel. I’m not doing enough, I don’t know enough, I’m not good enough. There’s not enough [money, support, time…]. When I’m tuned into the “not enough” channel, my whole nervous system gets jangled up. My mind then starts spinning even more, ostensibly to try to get things back on track, though usually it just derails me further.

After years of resisting my inner critic and trying to get her to shut up, I have found that the best way to calm that voice is to acknowledge that part of me. “Hi inner critic” I say to her, “I hear you. You have a lot to say today. OK, I’m paying attention.” It’s counter-intuitive, I know. Most of us learned that when there’s a behavior we don’t like, we need to do whatever we can to change or resist it.

Where the Inner Critic Comes From

The thing is, in order to transform our inner programming, it is important to get to the root of it. To understand each part. First, there is our inner critic. The tactics our inner critic uses often mimic those used by our parents or other authority figures to get us to behave. This might have involved punishing, yelling, ignoring, reasoning, arguing, shaming, or a mixture of tactics. Behind the often misguided tactics, however, there is generally something that part is trying to achieve for us.

The Inner Child Part

Then, there is the other part – the behavior or trait our inner critic is trying to change. I call it the inner child part, because it is often linked to coping strategies we developed early on to minimize or avoid difficult emotions or situations. Underneath the behavior is generally some early wounding. The message we received as children that certain parts of us were not OK or not acceptable. That we needed to trade-off parts of ourselves to get love.

Changing the Pattern

When we engage in the behavior or trait we want to change, it is often an indicator that our inner child part is needing reassurance. When we chastise ourselves, or make ourselves wrong, we perpetuate the very wounding that led to the behavior in the first place. Which then only reinforces our inner child’s resistance, and leads to the sense that we have a battle raging inside us. And may replicate the tug-of-war relationship we had with our parents or other authority figures growing up.

What I have found to be the most effective way to break the whole cycle is to be able to give understanding and acceptance to both the inner critic and the inner child parts.  In the following 8-minute guided meditation, I walk you through that process. And you might find that your inner critic has become your greatest ally!

 

 

Guided Meditation for Befriending Your Inner Critic

© Jenny Brav

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Befriending Your Inner Critic *2022-05-03T11:20:39+00:00

Detox Your Thoughts *

Can your inner dialogue be pretty negative? Do you find your thoughts looping endlessly on the same track?

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it” – Eckhart Tolle

Spring and summer are a good time to declutter. Many of us take the opportunity to clean out our closets and get rid of what we don’t need. We may also go on a cleanse or juice fast to flush out our intestines.

But what about detoxing our minds? Our thoughts can be pretty toxic – towards ourselves, others, or life in general. While negative or ruminative thinking often has a protective intention – to scan for danger and motivate us to survive if not succeed – the actual result is that we feel stuck and overwhelmed. Our thoughts can greatly contribute to (and even cause) our suffering. Unless we have an intentional practice such as meditation (and even if we do), our thoughts often run the show – unchecked.

Here are some indicators you might need a thought detox:

Inner Critic: You have a negative internal narrative that doesn’t let you off the hook. Feelings of being a fraud (i.e. the Imposter Syndrome), feelings of inadequacy, not being enough, feeling stupid or ugly, the thought “I suck” are all examples of an active inner critic.

Judgment: You catch yourself habitually judging others and yourself. This is often linked to expectations and ideals of how we think things should we.

Resistance to what is: Similarly, you are often at war with the present moment, wishing things were different than how they actually are.

Anxiety/depression: You are prone to anxious, ruminative thoughts. Alternatively (or concurrently), you tend towards depression.

Negativity bias: You are often focused on what is wrong and what you don’t have.

Difficulty Sleeping: You struggle with sleeping enough – it might be hard to get to sleep, stay asleep or feel rested. While there may be a number of reasons for disturbed sleep that are not linked to our thoughts, the latter are often a contributing factor.

Future/past focus: You spend a lot of energy worrying about or planning for the future. Or you might cling to past stories and grievances.

 

If you identified with some or many of the above, you are not alone. Many of the indicators listed above were strategies we developed (or inherited) in order to better our lot and/or feel safe. However, it is possible to upgrade those strategies in order to feel lighter and more spacious.

The following are 7 tips for detoxing your thoughts:

1. Notice your thoughts

The first step is always awareness. Which of the above indicators did you identify with? You might want to keep a thought journal for a week. What triggers negative or ruminative thinking for you? What kinds of thoughts do you tend to have (i.e. self-critical, judgmental of others, anxious about the future, ruminating over the past…)?

2. Notice the impact

One you start tracking your thought patterns, notice the impact on you. How do you feel when you have those thoughts? What happens in your body – do certain parts contract, or do you leave your body? How do you think you might feel if you didn’t have the thought.

3. Get curious

Now that you have a sense of your pattern and its impact, I invite you to get curious. What are the thoughts trying to achieve for you? Are they trying to protect you from failure? Do they want to motivate you to be better? Are they trying to justify what you are feeling? Do they want to prevent you from feeling vulnerable and exposed?

What is the emotion behind the thoughts? Is there fear? Sadness? Anger? Hopelessness?

4. Thank the thoughts

Once you’ve identified what the thoughts are trying to achieve for you, send them gratitude for their intention. If it feels accessible/appropriate, you can also send gratitude to whatever younger version of you developed this pattern in order to feel a little safer.

5. Hit the pause button

Ask yourself, are the thoughts really achieving the intention they have for you? Do you feel more motivated to work harder after having the thought “I suck” (or whatever thought you had)? And if they aren’t, is there a different way you could be meeting those needs?

Next time you notice yourself going down the ruminative thinking rabbit hole, I invite you to pause. Thank the thought for its intention. And return to your body and your breath.

6. Develop a gratitude practice

Gratitude has almost become a buzzword, but it is a great antidote to the negativity bias. I invite you to keep a daily gratitude/appreciation/acknowledgment journal where you track everything you are grateful for. Be sure to write down self-acknowledgements. Doing this last thing before going to sleep can help quiet the part of the brain that often wakes up chewing on what it thinks needs fixing from the previous day.

7. Return to the present moment

Mindfulness is like gratitude, but it’s also a very helpful practice for learning to gain a little bit of distance from our mind’s ceaseless chatter. Practices which foster mindfulness – which include yoga, meditation, conscious walking, qi gong and so on – are great ways to begin to retrain the neural networks.

 

 

 

Detox Your Thoughts *2022-02-16T03:18:05+00:00
Radiant Wholeness Healing, 3099 Telegraph Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705 | (510) 221-6426 | Copyright 2016 Jenny Brav | All Rights Reserved
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