Shadow Work Archives - Radiant Wholeness Healing

Releasing Limiting Beliefs *

Is it challenging to create the life you know you deserve? Do you find yourself repeating the same patterns over and over again?

“Learning too soon our limitations, we never learn our powers.” — Mignon McLaughlin

As children, we all experienced some level of wounding due to unmet needs and/or direct trauma. As a result, we subconsciously developed beliefs about ourselves or the world to help explain what we were experiencing. For example: “I’m not enough,” “Others can’t be trusted,” “I can’t make mistakes,” “I need to stay small to be safe,” and “I don’t belong.” These beliefs in turn led us to adopt coping strategies to try to manage in a world where “not belonging” was our daily reality.

While these beliefs have the adaptive function of trying to make sense of our circumstances in the best way we can when we are children, if we don’t become aware of them and actively work on changing them as adults, they can truly hold us back. When old, outdated beliefs are still running us, we may attract situations that serve to reinforce them – until we are able to see them as opportunities for healing and clearing.

The following are 7 tips for releasing limiting beliefs:

1) Notice when you’re contracted

Limiting beliefs are often so difficult to identify, because they feel 100% true in our bodies and psyches, and every instance that triggers those feelings appears to be further proof of their veracity.

In order to become aware of these beliefs, I invite you to start paying attention to your physical sensations. Limiting beliefs are by definition tight and constrictive. Notice when your body feels contracted. What thoughts or emotions (such as fear or anger) are present? What are you telling yourself about the situation? I also invite you to track recurring patterns, as they are generally a sign of a limiting belief needing updating.

2) Identify your beliefs

Now that you’ve started tracking recurring patterns and feelings of contraction, I invite you to jot down beliefs that might be associated with them. For example: “I’m unlovable,” “The world is out to get me,” “I’m only safe when I’m in control,” and “I have to be perfect to be accepted.” Once you have identified the beliefs, you may think about recent (or not so recent) situations that seemed to prove this belief true. How pervasive is this belief in your life?

3) Trace the belief to its origin

If you have listed more than one belief, pick one that feels particularly charged or current. What does it feel like in your body when you feel into that belief? Is there an area that feels tight, achy or fluttery, for example? Or, conversely, do you leave your body? Imagine that you are tracing that feeling back in time, to a time when you first started believing this. Is there a memory or timeframe associated with it? What was happening at the time? If nothing comes up for this question, you can always skip it.

If it feels like you always had that belief and can’t trace it back to a specific time frame or memory, then you may have inherited the belief from your parents, caregivers or other family members. What were their circumstances that might have led to that belief? If you do not know, that’s OK.

4) Identify the wound

We develop beliefs in order to try to compensate for wounds and/or unmet needs. Imagine that you are lifting up the belief you identified (for example, “I can’t rely on anyone but myself”) and looking underneath it. What is the emotion underneath the belief (i.e. grief, terror, anger, loneliness, helplessness, and so forth)? What is the unmet need? This might include the need for safety, love, acknowledgment, connection, autonomy, for example. If you traced the belief back to a family member, you may want to guess what their unmet need was.

5) Send empathy to the belief

I invite you to send empathy to the part of yourself that developed this belief in order to somehow soothe the pain of the unmet need. If you accessed a memory linked to this belief, you can send the empathy to your younger self. You might acknowledge that it was smart to develop this belief as a result of your circumstance. You can do the same with any family member you identified as being associated with this belief. If you didn’t access any memories/ancestors, you may just want to put your hands on the part of your body that feels contracted. Close your eyes. Breathe, and allow yourself to feel the touch in that area. If you wish, you can whisper some words, such as “it’s OK.”

6) Upgrade your belief

Although the limiting beliefs we develop are often adaptive, when we don’t update them, we may end up recreating the very situation that wounded us in the first place. For instance, let’s say a child has parents who are so busy they don’t have time to pay attention to her. She might feel sad and lonely because her need for connection and affection isn’t being met. She develops the belief that she is unlovable. Due to that belief, whenever there’s an opportunity for her to get close to somebody she does something (unconsciously) to push them away. As a result, the belief she is unlovable and her feelings of sadness/loneliness are reinforced.

Ask yourself if you are ready to let go of this old belief. If you feel any tightening, anxiety, or doubt, then it probably means that part of you isn’t ready. I invite you to continue tracking the impact of the belief, and giving yourself empathy. If you feel an opening internally, lightness or a feeling of excitement in response to the question, then it means you are ready for the upgrade – to install the 2.0 version of the belief that matches your current circumstances.

What new belief would you like to have to replace the old one? For example, “it’s safe for me to ask for help.” You may want to write down the old belief, cross it off (or tear it up) and write the new belief. This could also be done as a ritual (i.e. lighting a candle, with a picture of your younger self) if that is a practice that resonates with you.

7) Find other ways to meet the unmet need

If you identified an unmet need, ask yourself if are there other ways you could try to meet that need. In the above example, if the emotion was loneliness and the unmet need was connection, what are ways you might meet that need? And as the outside world is often a reflection of our internal state, I invite you first to make a list of ways you might connect to yourself more. For example by reducing distractions, and making time for things that are nourishing for your mind, body and soul. Make a list of things you love doing, such as dancing, working out, eating good food, getting a massage, etc. See if you can do at least one a week. Once you feel more connected to yourself, you can make a list of things you could do to start building a sense of community.

Wishing you the best of luck in releasing the old beliefs and accessing your full potential.

Embracing Your Shadow

Are there parts of you that feel unacceptable or impossible to love? Do you sometimes act in ways that you can’t recognize?

“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light,
but by making the darkness conscious.” – Carl Jung

I grew up in a household that emphasized generosity and being of service to others. They were wonderful values to be imbued in, but there wasn’t much room for anger, jealousy, pettiness etc.

On my personal growth journey, I have learned to befriend the contracted, cranky parts of me. I know that if I don’t, they will find unconscious ways to slip out and get my attention. Below are some tips on working with your shadow, as well as a free guided meditation to help you embrace it.

What is Your Shadow?

Carl Jung defined the shadow as the “sum of all personal and collective psychic elements which, because of their incompatibility with the chosen conscious attitude, are denied expression in life.” From my perspective, our shadow constitutes of:

The parts of ourselves we learned were not acceptable;
The coping strategies we developed to try to compensate for or hide those parts, and to feel OK.

Naming and Accepting

The minute we feel the need to hide certain parts of us, we actually give them more power, as their energy gets trapped in us. Here are some steps to accepting your shadow:

Track (without judgment) when you feel contracted in your body.
Track when you feel reactive or collapsed.
Notice what triggers a reaction in you when you observe it in others. This will often point you back to your own shadow.
Allow all of the above to be there and to be OK, without needing to hide/suppress our feelings, or be taken over by them.

When we start accepting and naming our thoughts and feelings, whatever they may be, we allow their energy to move through us. It gives us more choice over our actions so we can start taking responsibility for ourselves, rather than projecting our pain onto others.

Stepping Into Your Power

Our shadow isn’t necessarily just the parts of us that are generally considered negative. It can also be positive parts that never had space to be, perhaps because of the messages we received, and/or traumatic events. These can include our power, joy, trust, and love. When those have no space to be, we often develop false substitutes that may be close matches, but are not the same. Reconnecting and owning the positive parts of us, and learning to fully embody our power, is also an important part of shadow work. It can also give us the strength necessary to do this work.

Guided Meditation to Embrace Your Shadow

The following 8 minute guided meditation will help you track back to when you first got disconnected from certain parts of you, so you can begin to heal and reintegrate.