From Stuckness to Flow *

Do you feel stuck in an area of your life, or in a certain pattern? Does it feel like there’s an internal tug of war between different parts of you?

“Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.” – Mandy Hale

At some point in our life, most of us feel stuck in one or more areas of our lives. This might come up in the context of relationships, work, or health. Or we might feel stuck in a pattern, habit or addiction we’ve been unable to shift. Recently, for example, I’ve felt a little stuck in knowing how to move forward with the revision process of my novel’s rough draft. I have felt overwhelmed and confused by often contradictory feedback I was getting, and my own doubts.

From an energetic standpoint, however, it is not possible to be stuck, as everything is in constant flux. However, there are many reasons we may get disconnected from that natural state of flow, and feel stuck. The following are five possible reasons:

  • We are resisting what is

When our current reality does not match our idea of how we want things to be, most of us go into resistance (for example, constantly griping about our work, living situation, relationship, health, or whatever we are unhappy about). Although the intention of the resistance is purportedly to help motivate us to change our circumstances, more often than not fighting with reality actually keeps us mired in it. As they say, whatever we resist, persists.

  • Different parts of us are at odds with each other

Feeling stuck is often an indicator that part of us is ready to let go of a belief or pattern, whereas the part that developed it is hanging on for dear life. For example, our adult self may have a strong desire to be more visible and step into our power, while a child part that got the message we had to hide to be safe is digging his/her heals. And the more impatient the adult part gets, the more terrified and frozen the child part is. This can be true for addictive patterns. A part of us wants to let go as we can see the harm it is causing us (and potentially others), while another part of us is terrified of being present and feeling what is here.

  • We are in a trauma or freeze state

When we explore deeper into the stuck feeling, there is almost always fear (of failure, of success, of visibility, of rejection etc.). For those of us who have experienced trauma and survived by going into a freeze state and/or by disassociating, stuckness may further be a sign of trauma activation. Feeling numb or empty is often an indicator of that.

  • We have a strong inner critic

Many of us have developed a negative inner narrative about ourselves. Although this voice’s intention is usually to motivate us to do better, many of us feel paralyzed by the constant self-flagellation. As soon as we start moving forward in our lives, the inner critic fires a litany of warnings/worst case scenarios. For more on the inner critic, click here.

  • We are holding onto control

Accessing a state of flow usually requires letting go of control, and trusting that everything is OK. Another reason we might feel stuck, is that our mind is busy trying to fix, control and manage, all of which are maintaining us in a tight, constricted place. As such, feeling stuck is also often linked to an inherent sense of mistrust. Mistrusting our inner knowing, others, the universe…

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So now that we’ve identified a few reasons why we might feel stuck, the following are 5 tips for accessing more flow:

  • Notice the stuckness in your body

When you feel stuck, where do you feel it in your body, and what does it feel like? For example, you might experience it as a weight in your chest, or an empty feeling in your stomach. Or your body might feel numb (or like you aren’t in your body) which as noted above is often an indicator of a survival and/or trauma response. Starting with physical sensations can help us gain some distance from any story we might have about the area of our life or pattern we feel stuck in.

  • Feel the emotions

Stuckness is almost invariably a sign of an emotion we are trying to avoid feeling. As you start connecting with the physical sensations in your body, begin to notice any emotions there. Is there sadness? Fear? Anger? Overwhelm? A sense of powerlessness? To the extent possible, allow whatever arises to be there, without judgment. And if you are too numb or disassociated to feel emotions, ask yourself: “if there were an emotion associated with this feeling, what might it be?” and notice if anything arises. If not, that is perfectly fine too.

  • Identify the beliefs behind the stuck feeling

Now that you’ve started feeling the stuckness in your body, and noticing what emotions might be associated with it, I invite you to start identifying what beliefs might be contributing to the lack of flow. If you have a strong inner critic, one way of doing this is by starting to listen to the negative inner talk. This might lead you to identify beliefs such as “I’m not enough,” “Nothing I do will amount to anything,” “I’m dumb,” “I’m not enough.”

Or you might start feeling into what beliefs/fears come up when you think about the situation or pattern in which you are stuck. Three beliefs that have come up recently with different clients were “it’s not safe to be visible,” “everything is a trap,” and “making the wrong decision can ruin the family.” The first came up when we were investigating blocks around money, the second when we exploring anxiety thoughts coming up around health issues, and the third when looking at fears around leaving a current job. Either/or beliefs are common as well: “I can either have connection or autonomy, but not both.” “Either my needs will get met, or theirs.” Our limiting beliefs may also be inherited from our ancestors, especially if those beliefs enabled them to survive.

  • Bring healing to the younger self

Start feeling into the younger version of you who might have developed these beliefs. What was going on in your life at the time to lead to that belief? If it feels appropriate, you might close your eyes, and imagine that your adult self is there with your younger self. Let him/her/them know that you are there. That you care. That they are not alone anymore. Perhaps tell them that it was smart of them to develop that belief based on their experience. And that it’s just a belief. Not the ultimate truth. If you and your younger self are ready to let go of the belief, you might write it down, and then cross it out or tear it up. You can then write down what new belief you might want to replace the old belief with. For example, “I’m enough.” “It’s safe for me to start trusting again.” “The trap is fear. I can open the door whenever I want.”

  • Visualize your life in a state of flow

Now that you have started bringing healing your younger self and releasing some of your limiting beliefs, I invite you to close your eyes again. Imagine that it is 6 months or a year from now, and you are no longer stuck in that area of your life and/or pattern. What does your life look like? What are you feeling internally? Visualize it in as much detail as possible. Then imagine that you are dropping this image into your crown (at the top of your head), and let it ripple out throughout your body. The invitation is to do that every day for 21 days.

Click below for a guided meditation that walks you through this process:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright © 2019 by Jenny Brav. All rights reserved.   

From Stuckness to Flow *2024-02-21T13:06:42+00:00

Releasing Limiting Beliefs *

Is it challenging to create the life you know you deserve? Do you find yourself repeating the same patterns over and over again?

“Learning too soon our limitations, we never learn our powers.” — Mignon McLaughlin

As children, we all experienced some level of wounding due to unmet needs and/or direct trauma. As a result, we subconsciously developed beliefs about ourselves or the world to help explain what we were experiencing. For example: “I’m not enough,” “Others can’t be trusted,” “I can’t make mistakes,” “I need to stay small to be safe,” and “I don’t belong.” These beliefs in turn led us to adopt coping strategies to try to manage in a world where “not belonging” was our daily reality.

While these beliefs have the adaptive function of trying to make sense of our circumstances in the best way we can when we are children, if we don’t become aware of them and actively work on changing them as adults, they can truly hold us back. When old, outdated beliefs are still running us, we may attract situations that serve to reinforce them – until we are able to see them as opportunities for healing and clearing.

The following are 7 tips for releasing limiting beliefs:

1) Notice when you’re contracted

Limiting beliefs are often so difficult to identify, because they feel 100% true in our bodies and psyches, and every instance that triggers those feelings appears to be further proof of their veracity.

In order to become aware of these beliefs, I invite you to start paying attention to your physical sensations. Limiting beliefs are by definition tight and constrictive. Notice when your body feels contracted. What thoughts or emotions (such as fear or anger) are present?  What are you telling yourself about the situation? I also invite you to track recurring patterns, as they are generally a sign of a limiting belief needing updating.

2) Identify your beliefs

Now that you’ve started tracking recurring patterns and feelings of contraction, I invite you to jot down beliefs that might be associated with them. For example: “I’m unlovable,” “The world is out to get me,” “I’m only safe when I’m in control,” and “I have to be perfect to be accepted.” Once you have identified the beliefs, you may think about recent (or not so recent) situations that seemed to prove this belief true. How pervasive is this belief in your life?

 3) Trace the belief to its origin

If you have listed more than one belief, pick one that feels particularly charged or current. What does it feel like in your body when you feel into that belief? Is there an area that feels tight, achy or fluttery, for example? Or, conversely, do you leave your body? Imagine that you are tracing that feeling back in time, to a time when you first started believing this. Is there a memory or timeframe associated with it? What was happening at the time? If nothing comes up for this question, you can always skip it.

If it feels like you always had that belief and can’t trace it back to a specific time frame or memory, then you may have inherited the belief from your parents, caregivers or other family members. What were their circumstances that might have led to that belief? If you do not know, that’s OK.

4) Identify the wound

We develop beliefs in order to try to compensate for wounds and/or unmet needs. Imagine that you are lifting up the belief you identified (for example, “I can’t rely on anyone but myself”) and looking underneath it. What is the emotion underneath the belief (i.e. grief, terror, anger, loneliness, helplessness, and so forth)? What is the unmet need? This might include the need for safety, love, acknowledgment, connection, autonomy, for example. If you traced the belief back to a family member, you may want to guess what their unmet need was.

5) Send empathy to the belief

I invite you to send empathy to the part of yourself that developed this belief in order to somehow soothe the pain of the unmet need. If you accessed a memory linked to this belief, you can send the empathy to your younger self. You might acknowledge that it was smart to develop this belief as a result of your circumstance. You can do the same with any family member you identified as being associated with this belief. If you didn’t access any memories/ancestors, you may just want to put your hands on the part of your body that feels contracted. Close your eyes. Breathe, and allow yourself to feel the touch in that area. If you wish, you can whisper some words, such as “it’s OK.”

6) Upgrade your belief

Although the limiting beliefs we develop are often adaptive, when we don’t update them, we may end up recreating the very situation that wounded us in the first place. For instance, let’s say a child has parents who are so busy they don’t have time to pay attention to her. She might feel sad and lonely because her need for connection and affection isn’t being met. She develops the belief that she is unlovable. Due to that belief, whenever there’s an opportunity for her to get close to somebody she does something (unconsciously) to push them away. As a result, the belief she is unlovable and her feelings of sadness/loneliness are reinforced.

Ask yourself if you are ready to let go of this old belief. If you feel any tightening, anxiety, or doubt, then it probably means that part of you isn’t ready. I invite you to continue tracking the impact of the belief, and giving yourself empathy. If you feel an opening internally, lightness or a feeling of excitement in response to the question, then it means you are ready for the upgrade – to install the 2.0 version of the belief that matches your current circumstances.

What new belief would you like to have to replace the old one? For example, “it’s safe for me to ask for help.” You may want to write down the old belief, cross it off (or tear it up) and write the new belief. This could also be done as a ritual (i.e. lighting a candle, with a picture of your younger self) if that is a practice that resonates with you.

7) Find other ways to meet the unmet need

If you identified an unmet need, ask yourself if are there other ways you could try to meet that need. In the above example, if the emotion was loneliness and the unmet need was connection, what are ways you might meet that need? And as the outside world is often a reflection of our internal state, I invite you first to make a list of ways you might connect to yourself more. For example by reducing distractions, and making time for things that are nourishing for your mind, body and soul. Make a list of things you love doing, such as dancing, working out, eating good food, getting a massage, etc. See if you can do at least one a week. Once you feel more connected to yourself, you can make a list of things you could do to start building a sense of community.

Wishing you the best of luck in releasing the old beliefs and accessing your full potential.

 

 
 

 

Copyright © 2018 by Jenny Brav. All rights reserved.   

Releasing Limiting Beliefs *2023-07-25T15:27:40+00:00

Detox Your Thoughts *

Can your inner dialogue be pretty negative? Do you find your thoughts looping endlessly on the same track?

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it” – Eckhart Tolle

Spring and summer are a good time to declutter. Many of us take the opportunity to clean out our closets and get rid of what we don’t need. We may also go on a cleanse or juice fast to flush out our intestines.

But what about detoxing our minds? Our thoughts can be pretty toxic – towards ourselves, others, or life in general. While negative or ruminative thinking often has a protective intention – to scan for danger and motivate us to survive if not succeed – the actual result is that we feel stuck and overwhelmed. Our thoughts can greatly contribute to (and even cause) our suffering. Unless we have an intentional practice such as meditation (and even if we do), our thoughts often run the show – unchecked.

Here are some indicators you might need a thought detox:

Inner Critic: You have a negative internal narrative that doesn’t let you off the hook. Feelings of being a fraud (i.e. the Imposter Syndrome), feelings of inadequacy, not being enough, feeling stupid or ugly, the thought “I suck” are all examples of an active inner critic.

Judgment: You catch yourself habitually judging others and yourself. This is often linked to expectations and ideals of how we think things should we.

Resistance to what is: Similarly, you are often at war with the present moment, wishing things were different than how they actually are.

Anxiety/depression: You are prone to anxious, ruminative thoughts. Alternatively (or concurrently), you tend towards depression.

Negativity bias: You are often focused on what is wrong and what you don’t have.

Difficulty Sleeping: You struggle with sleeping enough – it might be hard to get to sleep, stay asleep or feel rested. While there may be a number of reasons for disturbed sleep that are not linked to our thoughts, the latter are often a contributing factor.

Future/past focus: You spend a lot of energy worrying about or planning for the future. Or you might cling to past stories and grievances.

 

If you identified with some or many of the above, you are not alone. Many of the indicators listed above were strategies we developed (or inherited) in order to better our lot and/or feel safe. However, it is possible to upgrade those strategies in order to feel lighter and more spacious.

The following are 7 tips for detoxing your thoughts:

1. Notice your thoughts

The first step is always awareness. Which of the above indicators did you identify with? You might want to keep a thought journal for a week. What triggers negative or ruminative thinking for you? What kinds of thoughts do you tend to have (i.e. self-critical, judgmental of others, anxious about the future, ruminating over the past…)?

2. Notice the impact

One you start tracking your thought patterns, notice the impact on you. How do you feel when you have those thoughts? What happens in your body – do certain parts contract, or do you leave your body? How do you think you might feel if you didn’t have the thought.

3. Get curious

Now that you have a sense of your pattern and its impact, I invite you to get curious. What are the thoughts trying to achieve for you? Are they trying to protect you from failure? Do they want to motivate you to be better? Are they trying to justify what you are feeling? Do they want to prevent you from feeling vulnerable and exposed?

What is the emotion behind the thoughts? Is there fear? Sadness? Anger? Hopelessness?

4. Thank the thoughts

Once you’ve identified what the thoughts are trying to achieve for you, send them gratitude for their intention. If it feels accessible/appropriate, you can also send gratitude to whatever younger version of you developed this pattern in order to feel a little safer.

5. Hit the pause button

Ask yourself, are the thoughts really achieving the intention they have for you? Do you feel more motivated to work harder after having the thought “I suck” (or whatever thought you had)? And if they aren’t, is there a different way you could be meeting those needs?

Next time you notice yourself going down the ruminative thinking rabbit hole, I invite you to pause. Thank the thought for its intention. And return to your body and your breath.

6. Develop a gratitude practice

Gratitude has almost become a buzzword, but it is a great antidote to the negativity bias. I invite you to keep a daily gratitude/appreciation/acknowledgment journal where you track everything you are grateful for. Be sure to write down self-acknowledgements. Doing this last thing before going to sleep can help quiet the part of the brain that often wakes up chewing on what it thinks needs fixing from the previous day.

7. Return to the present moment

Mindfulness is like gratitude, but it’s also a very helpful practice for learning to gain a little bit of distance from our mind’s ceaseless chatter. Practices which foster mindfulness – which include yoga, meditation, conscious walking, qi gong and so on – are great ways to begin to retrain the neural networks.

 

 

 

Detox Your Thoughts *2022-02-16T03:18:05+00:00

Accepting Things as They Are (Not How You Want Them to be) *

Do you find yourself arguing or negotiating with reality? Do you spend a considerable amount of mental energy ruminating about the past, or trying to control the future?

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” ~ Buddha.

While the Buddha’s invitation to be in the now and to accept things as they are has permeated mainstream Western culture as a desirable way to live, our societal conditioning is more than ever to live in our thoughts, and to see the present purely as a means to a future goal or as the outcome of past actions and decisions. Many of us are so busy leapfrogging over the present to get to the next thing we barely notice it. So what does it mean to live in the present, and accept things as they are?

Over the holidays, I had the chance to sit with that question. Literally. For hours on end. I participated in my first 10-day silent Vipassana (in the Goenka tradition). Although a meditation retreat sounds restful and peaceful, we were up at 4am and in bed by 9:30am every day, with 10+ hours of meditation a day. We were not allowed to read, write, eat a meal after noon (other than fruit, for the new students), exercise, meditate outside, or communicate with each other in any way. The retreat provided me with many opportunities to sit with my resistance patterns. The first few days, I watched my mind as it chewed over things that were not going to change and grumbled at my decision to spend my only time off sleep deprived and in pain. While the thoughts and the pain did not entirely disappear, as the teachings progressed and I went deeper into myself, my relationship to them began to shift.

The following is a distillation of some of the main lessons I received from the experience and how they might apply to your life.

Being with things as they are

The cultivation of equanimity – the ability to remain internally grounded regardless of external circumstances – is fundamental to Buddhism and to Vipassana meditation. On day 4 of the retreat, we were asked to practice “strong determination” and to commit to not moving during the three formal hour-long sits of the day. In the recordings of Goenka that were played each night, he invited us over and over to notice “things how they are, not how you want to be.” I realized how much concentration it required of me to be present in each moment, and how much faster time went by when I let my mind wander off on its thought trains.

I invite you to start feeling into your own resistance patterns. Are there areas of your life you are unhappy about? Is it difficult to accept certain things about yourself, other people, or your circumstances? While we think that arguing with reality is the only way to bring about change, in truth it only serves to multiply our misery, and often keeps us stuck in the very situations we are wanting to shift. Try tracking for an entire day all the times you resist or check out from the present moment in a day. And ask yourself what it might be like to just allow that things are as they are, at least for now.

“Resistance keeps you stuck. Surrender immediately opens you to the greater intelligence that is vaster than the human mind (…). So through surrender often you find circumstances changing” – Eckhart Tolle

Not good or bad

Our human brains are trained to judge and classify, and we are continuously sorting things through a good/bad lens, which has us continuously running after the good and attempting to avoid the bad. In order to reach greater equanimity, the invitation is to begin to retrain our minds towards neutrality and acceptance.

Begin to notice your patterns of aversion and craving. What kinds of things do you avoid? For example, it may be judgment, uncertainty, feelings of failure, crowded places, being alone. What kinds of avoidance or distraction strategies have you developed in order to try and avert that? And conversely, what do you cling to and crave? Often they may be the flip side of what you are wanting to avoid.

“Nothing is wrong—whatever is happening is just “real life.”  – Tara Brach

This too shall pass

Another importance concept Buddhism is that of impermanence. While we are in the middle of a difficult situation, it often feels as though it is never going to change. As I sat with excruciating pain shooting through my shoulder, it was all I could do not to massage it or change my position. But as I focused my attention inside the pain, I could feel subtle pulsing all around it, until the stabbing intensity started to dissolve. Goenka reminded us over and over again that the pleasant sensations were also impermanent, and that if we started chasing after them we would only be causing misery for ourselves.

Next time you are unhappy with your situation or experiencing difficult emotions, remind yourself that “this too shall pass,” and that the less resistance and story there is around whatever is arising, the faster it will pass. And when things are going well, remind yourself that this too shall pass. While this thought can create pain and fear, it can creating space for greater appreciation of the current moment.

Dis-identifying with your thoughts

Perhaps one of the trickiest ideas in Buddhism to fully grasp is that of no self. Goenka pointed out that much of the suffering we create for ourselves is because of our identification with our thoughts and with our sense of self. If the same thing were happening to someone else, we would not have the same reaction. Once I was able to sit with equanimity (for the most part) with my pain, defensive thoughts got hold of my psyche. While they felt much more personal than the physical pain, I was able to see how those thoughts were not me, and were just pulling me out of the present moment. And when I got to the place where my body was just molten liquid dissolving into all the other atoms around me, I caught glimpses of the inter-connectedness of all things.

The mantra I repeated many times to myself during and after the retreat which summarized the teachings was: “not good, not bad, not mine, not personal, not permanent.” Next time you notice yourself identifying with your thoughts or your pain, I invite you to repeat the mantra, or any other that resonates with you. And remember, this too shall pass.

© Jenny Brav

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Accepting Things as They Are (Not How You Want Them to be) *2024-03-12T12:21:43+00:00

Lessons from my Lost Fingertip

(Or 5 tips for checking back into your life)

Have you ever felt that there are moments when you are checked out of your own life? Do distractions, worries, and/or the busy-ness of life make it difficult for you to be fully present and focused?

 “Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.” 
― Eckhart Tolle

water-1759703_1920

A moment of inattention

A few months ago, I sliced off the side of my left fingertip in a moment of inattention. I had been suffering from a virus for the past two weeks and was feeling depleted. The day before, I had attended a powerful 12-hour healing workshop. I woke up the next morning feeling exhausted but motivated. I had managed to block off five hours to write in my novel, and decided to make a big pot of soup before I started to sustain me through the day. Listening to a Pema Chodron podcast on “uncovering warmth in our hearts,” I started chopping kale. My knife was a little blunt, so I got out a new knife my housemate had just bought. A moment later, I was in excruciating pain, and a ½ inch of skin was on the chopping board, nestled in a piece of kale. My plans to write went out the window, as I spent the next weeks nursing my finger.

Being someone who takes pride in living mindfully, I felt shame at having hurt myself so mindlessly. And yet the incident taught me invaluable lessons in surrendering to what is, and releasing any expectation of how I thought things should be. In Traditional Chinese Medicine, the point I shaved off is the first point on the Large Intestine meridian, which is associated with letting go. In the weeks following the mishap, I worked on releasing remaining layers of old fears from my childhood around being visible and fully present in my body. I also cleared some old ancestral beliefs (especially in my paternal lineage) that it’s not safe to pursue one’s dreams. That the only way to survive is to stay under the radar and not be too visible. My father broke that trend when he moved to Paris to be a writer in the early 1960s, but his failure to achieve his dream weighed heavily on him. He died young of a heart attack, and doing my healing work I realized that I had absorbed some of his ambivalent energy towards writing and following his purpose.

As I witnessed the miracle of my skin growing back a little bit each day, I could feel myself start to inhabit my body more fully. And the next time I sat down to write, I felt the words start flowing more easily, as though they were coming from a different part of my being. I wasn’t trying to make something happen, but rather was opening up to what wanted to come. And the remaining ball of tender scar tissue is a daily reminder to return to myself.

The following is an invitation for you to explore how you check out and why, as well as tips (no pun intended) for being more present.

1) Recognize your distraction pattern

We live in an era where distractions abound, and it takes dedication and effort to be truly present with ourselves and others. What are your favorite ways to check out or distract? This could include working overtime, shopping, eating, checking social media, playing Pokemon, binge-watching on Netflix, obsessing over the elections, etc. Although the line between what we do for entertainment and ways we distract can be blurred, the latter is often characterized by excess/difficulty finding an off switch, and feelings of shame afterwards. Start identifying what kinds of emotions and situations increase your distraction patterns (for example, stress at work, feelings of loneliness, an argument with your partner, and so on).

2) Identify your triggers

Now that you are paying attention to how you distract, think of what kinds of situations make you want to distract. Is it external demands, feeling overwhelmed, a feeling of not being enough for the task at hand?  Do you tend to distract more at a certain time of day? Trace this feeling back in time. When did you first start checking out or distracting? What was happening back then, and what were you feeling about it?

3) Track your excuses/justifications

Notice the excuses you make to justify the patterns. For example “I’ve worked hard, I deserve this.” Underlying the excuse is a belief about yourself and/or the world. It may be that you are all alone, that the world is unfair, that you need to fight to get what’s yours, or that you are not enough. As with the triggers, there is a reason you developed those beliefs.

4) Acknowledge the distraction for how it has helped you

Distraction patterns are indicators of parts of us that didn’t feel safe or welcome. For anyone who has suffered from trauma, dissociating may have been key to surviving. In any case, you learned to distract or check out as a way of avoiding something, for example to numb the pain of having parents who weren’t present (physically and/or emotionally), or who were fighting all the time.  Send gratitude to this pattern for all the ways it has served you.

5) Practice staying with what is arising

Although checking out can bring momentary relief, whenever we leave ourselves it creates an internal vacuum. Upon returning, we may have an even deeper sense of despair or shame, giving us little incentive to want to stay present with what is.

I know that mindfulness and presence have become buzzwords, but they really are the only way through the things we are wanting to avoid. So when you feel the pull to distract, or your habitual thought patterns pulling you into worry or anxiety, I invite you to breathe. Stay right where you are. Notice any discomfort that arises, and breathe into the discomfort. Feel into what is wanting to hide, what you are trying to avoid. You might want to squeeze or pat up and down your body, since presence is an embodied state, and this is a way to delineate the contours of your body. And start feeling into the possibility of letting go of some of the old habitual patterns that served you once, but are now only keeping you from what you are most wanting. Connection. Wholeness. Aliveness. Permission to be fully yourself.

 

Presence is my breath nudging its way into the logjam of my thoughts;

It is the syncing of my nervous system, my mind and my heart,

And the contours of my world coming into sharper focus.

Presence is a reminder to be patient and to trust;

It is the loosening of my stranglehold on control;

And an opening to limitlessness.

© Jenny Brav

Lessons from my Lost Fingertip2017-06-23T02:16:02+00:00

Finding my Inner Labrador

Have you ever felt that when you are hurt or angry, you have an inner yappy dog that tries to get your attention? Do you long for a sense of peace, balance and grounded-ness even when triggered?

Healing from learned helplessness

dog-548611_1920For me, finding peace and balance has been a journey (and is still at times a work in progress). As a child, I learned early on to disconnect from my power as a trade-off for getting love or feeling safe.  My sister Laura, who was three and a bit when I was born, and furious at being upstaged by a tiny bundle of flesh and lungs, let me know in no uncertain terms that there was only room for one of us to take up space. And that wasn’t me.

I have a clear memory of being five or so. Laura said something to make me angry, and I fired something back. She laughed at me in response, so I started pummeling her with my little fists in a desire to hurt her too. She then grabbed my wrists and twisted them backwards, pinned me against the fridge, and laughed even harder. I remember being flooded with a feeling of rage laced with helplessness. Up until then, I had often fought back and gotten mad when my sister poked at me. From that moment on, I started disowning my anger and power, since it had not helped protect me. I felt shy around strangers, and the world seemed like a scary place. My disempowerment was further compounded by parenting that encouraged us to always put others’ needs first, and to be kind, considerate, and self-effacing. Lessons that served me well on a human level, but also cut me off from my own sense of agency and worth.

Laura and I are now extremely close and supportive of each other, and have done a lot of healing together and separately. My journey to reconnect to a sense of grounded power has been a transformative one. The following are some lessons I learned along the way.

My inner yappy dog

When I started my healing journey over a decade ago and began to explore some of my patterns of learned helplessness, I found that an inner yappy dog emerged to defend my collapsed, undefended self. You know the one I’m talking about? It’s the little dog in the fenced in yard you pass while taking your evening walk. The one that starts barking the minute you have passed it — to make sure danger is averted before alerting the whole neighborhood that it’s doing its job of keeping everyone safe. Yeah, that one. It makes lot of noise, but is pretty ineffectual since it barks at every animal, car, or person that passes. And really all it secretly wants is to be relieved of its guard dog duty so it can get love and attention.

When I thawed out of my freeze mode (which is what learned helplessness is, from a survival perspective) I went straight into fight mode. My inner yappy dog was just trying to protect me when someone or a situation appeared to threaten me. But it was hyper-vigilant, and thought everything was a potential intruder. If I jumped up every time it barked, it would be exhausting. And it still came from a place of feeling small and defenseless.

Finding my inner Labrador

As I started to heal the part of me that had learned to collapse and give my power away, and to give love and support to the angry part that emerged to defend her, I started accessing my inner Labrador. She loves to connect and is service oriented, but also has very clear boundaries. When someone starts to infringe upon that boundary, she gives a warning look, without being pulled off center. If the person disregards the look, she will give one, deep bark from a place of serene authority. No need to yip continuously, or to collapse in defeat. This place feels clear, protected, and loving. And if I fall back into my collapsed or yappy dog self, I feel into the part of me that feels small and scared, and give her compassion. I breathe and ground, and connect to my center. And call up the energy of my inner Labrador for support.

Exploring your wholeness

I invite you to feel into the places where you collapse. What does that feel like in your body? What are situations that trigger that?  If there were an image, or emotions, or words associated with that feeling of collapse, what might that be?

Now feel into the part of you that feels like it needs to defend your collapsed and vulnerable self from intruders. What does it feel like? Does it remind you of a yappy dog, or is there another image that comes to mind?

Finally, feel into that part of you that feels whole, balanced and grounded. If it’s difficult to access it right now, that’s OK. But you can just tell that part of you that whenever it wants to show up, it’s welcome. And see if any image, words or colors show up. If you could feel your version of your inner Labrador in your body, where would it be? And what does it want you to know right now? Imagine what it would be like if you could live your life from this place of balance, clarity, and compassionate authority.  If this is a new muscle you are exercising, give yourself a lot of leeway for falling off the horse (or the Labrador) as many times as you need before this place of clarity and balance starts feeling natural.

© Jenny Brav

Finding my Inner Labrador2017-06-23T02:16:03+00:00

The Lost Art of Closing Rituals *

Do you find yourself hanging onto things from your past? Is change bringing up fear and resistance? Are there areas of your life where it is difficult for you to move forward?

“Every ending is a beginning. We just don’t know it at the time – Mitch Albom

Closing RitualsTransition and change are an inevitable part of life, especially in our rapidly evolving world. While we celebrate certain big transitions (such as graduations, weddings, deaths, welcoming in a new year), for the most part we have lost the art of ritually marking the end of one thing, and making space for the new. As a result, many of us have difficulty letting go of what was and accepting what is, which may lead us to feel stuck or weighed down by old baggage. What I have found is that whatever the ending – be it the end of a relationship, the loss of a loved one, changing jobs, or moving from one place to another – holding a simple ritual can be very helpful in gaining closure.

Although the ritual will differ depending on what kind of ending we are marking, the following are four main elements you will want to include. You may want to light a candle or burn sage, and it’s also fine to keep it very simple. The most important thing is the intention with which you hold the ceremony. If your relationship is ending, doing a closing ceremony with your (ex) partner can be very powerful, but doing it on your own is also fine, if that is not possible.

1. Appreciation and gratitude
The first step is to express – either verbally or in writing – your appreciation for what is ending. In the case of a relationship or the loss of a loved one, what did you love about that person? What did you gain from the job you are leaving, or the living space you are moving from?

Depending on the circumstances around the ending, conflicting feelings may come up. Anger, grief, confusion, regret, disappointment… Allow the emotions to come up. See if you can track the physical sensations as they move through your body.

2. Lessons learned
If appropriate, make a list of what you learned from the person, place or experience. We often resist change or what is because we have an idea of how things should be instead. Recognizing ways that we have grown from even challenging situations can allow us to get perspective on the bigger picture and gain insight on how that situation might have served us.

3. Letting Go
Next, write or state the things you are ready to let go of from the experience (be it a relationship, an old job, a phase of life, a living situation etc.). Your list could include emotions or reactivity such as fear, anger, blame, or it might include patterns that came up for you such as making yourself small, focusing on negatives, not feeling valued, settling for less than you want, and so on.

4. Moving Forward
Finally, state what you want to attract into your life as you move forward. If you have left one job or living situation for another, express what your intentions and/or desires are for the new situation. If the future is unknown (one thing is ending but the next hasn’t begun yet, for example), close your eyes, and visualize in as much detail as possible what you are wanting to bring into your life. See yourself dropping that image into your energy field, and letting it ripple outward. That way, you are setting an intention for what you want, without clinging to it to closely.

“There’s a trick to the ‘graceful exit.’ It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over–and let it go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving up, rather than out.” – Ellen Goodman

© Jenny Brav

 

 

 

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The Lost Art of Closing Rituals *2023-12-31T19:12:15+00:00

Why Slow is Smart

Do you feel as though you’re constantly running after time, but can never catch up? Can it be challenging to relax, with all the things you need to do?

“Sometimes our stop-doing list needs to be bigger than our to-do list” – Patti Digh

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As a child—whether I was eating, thinking, speaking, playing with friends, reading, or solving a problem—I liked taking my time. However, I was soon taught that time is a precious commodity that shouldn’t be wasted. That’s when I learned the art of multi-tasking, making endless to-do lists, and being more productive. And while I went on to lead a full and interesting life, the cost in terms of stress levels and their impact on my health was high. It wasn’t until I started meditating ten years ago that I began reconnecting with and valuing the part of me that likes to s-l-o-w d-o-w-n.

The devaluing of slowness
In our society, we associate slowness with laziness, stupidity, lack of direction, and so on. From an early age, we are rewarded (i.e., at school, at home, at work, in sports) for being fast. As such, our culture is highly addicted to speed—and I don’t mean the drug. While there is nothing wrong with efficiency, running from one thing to the next is a great way to numb out and avoid having to feel.

In recent years, we’ve seen counter movements to help people create more space in their lives. The slow food movement sprang up to challenge the fast-food mentality, slow fashion to bring durability back into our wardrobe. SuperSlow exercise is based on the premise that we build muscle more efficiently when we lift weights at slow speeds. And mindfulness has become part of mainstream parlance. Despite these movements, the general trend still seems to favor ever faster and more complex.

The following six tips can help you start slowing down. As counter-intuitive as it might seem, the more you slow down, the more time you will find you have. I promise.

1) Notice your body
When we are living in Speedville, our life is governed by our thoughts, and we lose touch with our bodies. Our bodies may then feel neglected/abandoned (often mirroring how we felt as a child), and may develop physical symptoms, which force us to slow down and change our habits. I invite you to start paying attention to your body periodically throughout the day. (You could program your phone at random to remind you, if you wish.) Are you breathing? Where do you feel tight? If your body had a message for you, what would it be?

2) Connect with what you are trying to avoid
Whenever we are going a mile a minute, we are often trying to fill a void, or avoid something. When you feel as though your life is speeding out of control, I invite you to slow down, and start investigating. Is some part of you needing attention?

Loneliness, grief, shame, and anger are often emotions at the root of avoidance. Once you connect with what is behind the avoidance, make space for your feelings. Breathe into them. Give yourself empathy for whatever is there.

3) Do less
Look at your tasks for the day/week, and prioritize them. And schedule in breaks. Do one thing at a time, as much as possible. Although multi-tasking is highly valued, and to some extent hard to avoid, we are actually more efficient, and so much more present, when we can focus on one thing at a time. “Device-free” time slots—especially the first hour after waking up, and the last hour before going to bed—can change the quality of your day and sleep.

“Sometimes I think there are only two instructions we need to follow to develop and deepen our spiritual life: slow down and let go.” – Oriah Mountain Dreamer

 

4) Do things more mindfully
Thich Nhat Hanh, the Buddhist Vietnamese monk who has centers in France and the United States, is one of the biggest proponents of applying mindfulness to daily activities. Everything you do can be an opportunity to be mindful. While stopped in traffic or at a light, breathe and touch base with yourself. When walking, slow down, and feel the connection with the Earth with each step. I have found that waiting for BART (the Bay Area Rapid Transit train) is a great time for walking meditation. My favorite, though, is eating meditation: food tastes so much better when I slow down to taste it.

5) Bring yourself back to the present
A key to slowing down is being in the present moment. So much of our mental energy gets expended on ruminations about the past or worrying about the future. When you notice that you are talking to someone or doing something, but your mind is off on a totally different track, gently bring yourself back. Being present takes practice, but it may shift the quality of your life and your relationships significantly.

6) Take stock of what you have
Hurrying is inherently tied to a feeling of scarcity—of not having enough time, or being enough. When we abide in the state of “not enough-ness,” we bring a frenetic energy of fear and anxiety to our doing. One of my most helpful practices is writing a quick list of all the things that went well that day before going to bed, to counteract any part of my mind that tends to latch onto whatever went wrong.

A good way to slow down is therefore to start noticing all the things that are OK (or even good!) about this moment. I invite you to do this right now. Breathe. Feel your body. And ask yourself: What is OK right now? Then start feeling into the perfection of the moment.

© Jenny Brav

Why Slow is Smart2018-02-23T04:46:37+00:00

The Inside Out Switch

Have you ever noticed that your sense of well-being can shift in a split second? That perceived criticism, an interruption, or an unpleasant interaction can instantly dissolve your inner peace?

“At the center of your being you have the answer; You know who you are and you know what you want”- Lao Tzu

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From an early age, we learn to derive our sense of okay-ness from external factors. As babies, we are completely dependent on the outside world to get our needs met. As children, most of us learn to do or not do certain things in order to get approval or stay out of trouble.  As adults, many of us are still looking to the outside world to reassure us that we are okay and enough. This often causes us to mistrust and split off from our own inner knowing. Trauma, neglect, abuse and social discrimination can all exacerbate this disconnect.

The inside out switch

To understand this better, imagine that you have two switches.

  1. The first is the outside in switch. In this mode, we are looking to the outside world for validation and a sense of safety. We may be prone to reactivity, anxiety, feeling shutdown, hyper-vigilance, the need to please others, etc.
  2. The second is the inside out switch. In this mode, we derive our sense of well-being from internal cues. Even though we interact with and are impacted by the outside world, it doesn’t determine how we feel about ourselves. The focus is generally on being and on process, rather than on doing and outcome.

A good metaphor for the inside out switch is that of a tree. Even though the outside world (for example, too much/too little rain or fires) affects it, its circumstances don’t change its basic tree-ness or sense of worth. The following are some tips for reconnecting to your own internal compass.

Awareness

The first step is to start to be aware of what happens inside you. You might set your phone reminder to go off at random times, and check in to see which mode you are in. To practice awareness, I invite you to think of a person or situation (it could also be a pet peeve) that upsets you or throws you off balance.  And as you do, feel into the following:

  • Where is your attention as you think about this situation (is it inside of you, or outside of yourself)?
  • Do you notice tension in your body as you remember the situation? If so, where, and what does it feel like?
  • What are the thoughts or judgments going through your mind?
  • Is this a familiar feeling?

Whenever we are strongly triggered by something, it is likely that the situation is activating something from our past. It might be linked to repeated experiences we had, or beliefs we developed about ourselves and the world. For example, we might have had a parent prone to unpredictable rage, which led to the belief that at any moment, something terrible might happen.

As we start to identify and understand these patterns, we can have a little more space from them. We can also start bringing our attention back inside ourselves when we notice that we have lost ourselves in our focus on the external.

Grounding

Next, it is very helpful to develop a grounding practice. This is any practice that helps you 1) connect more deeply to yourself, 2) feel embodied (that is, connected to your body, rather than being purely in your head) and 3) be in the present moment. Since I am highly sensitive and intuitive, learning to set and clear my energetic boundaries has been invaluable for me in learning to ground. Walking in nature, automatic writing, sports, gardening, art etc. can all be ways of grounding, as long as it meets the above criteria.

Guided meditation to ground and set your energetic field

The following guided meditation is intended to help you learn to ground and set your energetic field. Over the next week, I invite you to tune into yourself at different times during the day. Notice if you are in the “inside out” or “outside in” mode, and see if you can switch channels.

© Jenny Brav

The Inside Out Switch2022-02-03T14:35:05+00:00
Radiant Wholeness Healing, 3099 Telegraph Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705 | (510) 221-6426 | Copyright 2016 Jenny Brav | All Rights Reserved
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