Is it challenging to create the life you know you deserve? Do you find yourself repeating the same patterns over and over again?
“Learning too soon our limitations, we never learn our powers.” — Mignon McLaughlin
As children, we all experienced some level of wounding due to unmet needs and/or direct trauma. As a result, we subconsciously developed beliefs about ourselves or the world to help explain what we were experiencing. For example: “I’m not enough,” “Others can’t be trusted,” “I can’t make mistakes,” “I need to stay small to be safe,” and “I don’t belong.” These beliefs in turn led us to adopt coping strategies to try to manage in a world where “not belonging” was our daily reality.
While these beliefs have the adaptive function of trying to make sense of our circumstances in the best way we can when we are children, if we don’t become aware of them and actively work on changing them as adults, they can truly hold us back. When old, outdated beliefs are still running us, we may attract situations that serve to reinforce them – until we are able to see them as opportunities for healing and clearing.
The following are 7 tips for releasing limiting beliefs:
1) Notice when you’re contracted
Limiting beliefs are often so difficult to identify, because they feel 100% true in our bodies and psyches, and every instance that triggers those feelings appears to be further proof of their veracity.
In order to become aware of these beliefs, I invite you to start paying attention to your physical sensations. Limiting beliefs are by definition tight and constrictive. Notice when your body feels contracted. What thoughts or emotions (such as fear or anger) are present? What are you telling yourself about the situation? I also invite you to track recurring patterns, as they are generally a sign of a limiting belief needing updating.
2) Identify your beliefs
Now that you’ve started tracking recurring patterns and feelings of contraction, I invite you to jot down beliefs that might be associated with them. For example: “I’m unlovable,” “The world is out to get me,” “I’m only safe when I’m in control,” and “I have to be perfect to be accepted.” Once you have identified the beliefs, you may think about recent (or not so recent) situations that seemed to prove this belief true. How pervasive is this belief in your life?
3) Trace the belief to its origin
If you have listed more than one belief, pick one that feels particularly charged or current. What does it feel like in your body when you feel into that belief? Is there an area that feels tight, achy or fluttery, for example? Or, conversely, do you leave your body? Imagine that you are tracing that feeling back in time, to a time when you first started believing this. Is there a memory or timeframe associated with it? What was happening at the time? If nothing comes up for this question, you can always skip it.
If it feels like you always had that belief and can’t trace it back to a specific time frame or memory, then you may have inherited the belief from your parents, caregivers or other family members. What were their circumstances that might have led to that belief? If you do not know, that’s OK.
4) Identify the wound
We develop beliefs in order to try to compensate for wounds and/or unmet needs. Imagine that you are lifting up the belief you identified (for example, “I can’t rely on anyone but myself”) and looking underneath it. What is the emotion underneath the belief (i.e. grief, terror, anger, loneliness, helplessness, and so forth)? What is the unmet need? This might include the need for safety, love, acknowledgment, connection, autonomy, for example. If you traced the belief back to a family member, you may want to guess what their unmet need was.
5) Send empathy to the belief
I invite you to send empathy to the part of yourself that developed this belief in order to somehow soothe the pain of the unmet need. If you accessed a memory linked to this belief, you can send the empathy to your younger self. You might acknowledge that it was smart to develop this belief as a result of your circumstance. You can do the same with any family member you identified as being associated with this belief. If you didn’t access any memories/ancestors, you may just want to put your hands on the part of your body that feels contracted. Close your eyes. Breathe, and allow yourself to feel the touch in that area. If you wish, you can whisper some words, such as “it’s OK.”
6) Upgrade your belief
Although the limiting beliefs we develop are often adaptive, when we don’t update them, we may end up recreating the very situation that wounded us in the first place. For instance, let’s say a child has parents who are so busy they don’t have time to pay attention to her. She might feel sad and lonely because her need for connection and affection isn’t being met. She develops the belief that she is unlovable. Due to that belief, whenever there’s an opportunity for her to get close to somebody she does something (unconsciously) to push them away. As a result, the belief she is unlovable and her feelings of sadness/loneliness are reinforced.
Ask yourself if you are ready to let go of this old belief. If you feel any tightening, anxiety, or doubt, then it probably means that part of you isn’t ready. I invite you to continue tracking the impact of the belief, and giving yourself empathy. If you feel an opening internally, lightness or a feeling of excitement in response to the question, then it means you are ready for the upgrade – to install the 2.0 version of the belief that matches your current circumstances.
What new belief would you like to have to replace the old one? For example, “it’s safe for me to ask for help.” You may want to write down the old belief, cross it off (or tear it up) and write the new belief. This could also be done as a ritual (i.e. lighting a candle, with a picture of your younger self) if that is a practice that resonates with you.
7) Find other ways to meet the unmet need
If you identified an unmet need, ask yourself if are there other ways you could try to meet that need. In the above example, if the emotion was loneliness and the unmet need was connection, what are ways you might meet that need? And as the outside world is often a reflection of our internal state, I invite you first to make a list of ways you might connect to yourself more. For example by reducing distractions, and making time for things that are nourishing for your mind, body and soul. Make a list of things you love doing, such as dancing, working out, eating good food, getting a massage, etc. See if you can do at least one a week. Once you feel more connected to yourself, you can make a list of things you could do to start building a sense of community.
Wishing you the best of luck in releasing the old beliefs and accessing your full potential.
Copyright © 2018 by Jenny Brav. All rights reserved.
