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Overcoming Self-Sabotage *

Have you ever noticed that just as you are getting close to someone you like, you do something to push them away? Or you procrastinate on a project you are invested in until the very last minute?

“Self-sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn’t happen” – Alyce Cornyn-Selby

Small Rocks ModelSelf-sabotage can come in many forms. It may show up as procrastination, difficulty completing things, addictions, habitual lateness, hyper-vigilance, saying things impulsively–despite our inner voice telling us not to… Self-sabotaging behavior can impact all areas of our life – work, relationships, health goals, creative endeavors, and so on. It may also show up as events that seem out of our control. For example, I once had a client who got into accidents or somehow injured herself every time a project she cared about was close to completion.

From my perspective, self-sabotage is not in and of itself the problem, but is rather an indication that something is needing attention. The following are five tips for overcoming self-sabotage:

Tip #1: Track your pattern

The first step to overcoming a pattern is understanding it. First, what are you trying to achieve? For example, it might be writing a novel, exercising more, finding your life partner, or a project at work. Second, what is the behavior or pattern that is preventing you from achieving your goal? For example, you might be procrastinating, clinging to people you like or pushing them away, engaging in addictive behavior.

Start noticing in as much detail as possible when the behavior that is preventing you from achieving what you want comes up. Is there a pattern to it (i.e. it intensifies the closer you are to getting what you want)? Are there emotions that precipitate the behavior (for example overwhelm, doubt, anger)? Are there times when you feel you have more choice/spaciousness over the behavior than others, and if so, what makes the difference? I suggest you keep a notebook or journal where you jot down this information.

Tip #2: Explore the underlying belief

Now that you’ve begun to track the pattern, start looking for the underlying belief behind it. You might want to close your eyes for a minute, and imagine that you have achieved your goal. Notice what happens in your body. Does any area constrict? If so, are there any thoughts associated with that tightening? What belief do you have about having what you want? It might be that you aren’t good enough, that if you are too happy something tragic might happen, or that if you are too successful you will lose your ties to your family. Write the belief down in your journal.

Ask yourself what age you were when you first started believing this, and see if any number pops up. What was happening in your life at the time? What did you start doing in order to manage the situation and/or your feelings? Write that down too.

“You can’t imagine just how much believing in negative thoughts is affecting your life…until you stop.” — Charles F. Glassman

Tip #3: Understand your coping strategy

Now that you have a better understanding of your underlying belief, start exploring the coping strategies you developed to manage that belief. For example, let’s say your parents had high expectations that seemed impossible to satisfy, and as a result you have the belief that whatever you do isn’t good enough. You might have coped by pushing yourself hard and being in control as much as possible. Or you might have coped by acting out, pushing things off until the last minute, rebelling against the expectations… In all likelihood, the behavior that appears to be self-sabotage is just some aspect of your coping strategy.

Tip #4: Send empathy to that younger self

Although we have a tendency to resist our resistance, or to make that part of us wrong in order to try to change, the fastest way I know to change a pattern is to send it acceptance and understanding. When you notice the pattern that you tracked in tip #1, I invite you to pause. Check in with your younger self, who is terrified that if you go after what you want, his/her belief might be proven right. Give him/her empathy and love for how hard it was at the time. Let your younger self know that you are there now. S/he isn’t alone. And that the reason you are wanting to achieve the goal you have set for yourself is for him/her to have what s/he couldn’t have at the time (this might be companionship, safety, a creative outlet etc.).

Tip #5: Practice making another choice.

Once you have given your younger self empathy and recognition, check back in with the goal you are wanting to achieve. Does it seem more doable? Do you notice less “yeah buts and what ifs”? If not, you may want to keep doing steps 1-4. Otherwise, check in with the belief and coping strategy you wrote down earlier. See if the emotional charge (in other words, how true or triggering those feel to you) is still as high around them. If not, next time your self-sabotaging pattern comes up, pause and ask yourself if it is possible to make another choice. And see what happens.

© Jenny Brav

 

 

 

 

Overcoming Self-Sabotage *2022-07-30T19:12:36+00:00

It’s “Just” Fear *

I know that when we’re in the middle of it, there’s nothing “just” about fear. However, when we distill it down to its essence, fear is just fear. It may be triggered by something in our lives that is actually happening, or it may be activated by the hint of upcoming change. Fear often revolves around not feeling safe, or loved/lovable, or enough. Most of our bodies (unless the fear leads to disassociation) then have some kind of visceral response to the fear. We may feel butterflies in our stomach, contraction in our heart, a choking sensation in our throats, tightness in our shoulders…What makes the fear spiral until it feels out of control, however, is usually our thoughts about what’s happening.

In order to be able to address the fear so it feels more manageable, let’s first break it down.

Step 1: the catalyst

Before the emotion, there’s usually some kind of trigger. This might be an event, like losing a job. It might be the mere possibility of change that activates the fear. Or it might just be a thought. Whatever it is, let’s call this the catalyst.

Step 2: the catalyst triggers an emotion/physical sensation

The catalyst leads to an emotion, feeling of unease, and/or a physical sensation that we may not even be aware of. I’m focusing on fear today, but this is true for any emotion. Whatever we are experiencing is uncomfortable, and activates old beliefs and coping strategies.

Step 3: the emotion activates thoughts

Our discomfort then activates the mind, which fixates on the catalyst. All of this is very unconscious, of course, but the mind believes that in order to feel better we must fix/change/correct the catalyst. The thoughts might be focused on the future (what we need to do, or all the things that could go wrong), or they might be rehashing the past and situations that were similar.

Our thinking mind wants to help us feel less afraid. However, when we start going into our stories (I’m not enough, the world isn’t safe, nothing ever works out for me, nobody cares), or fixate on the future in order to fix what we are feeling in the present, our fear always intensifies.

To sum it up in equation form:

Catalyst –> fear/emotion.

 Fear + thoughts = anxiety or panic.

There is an alternative choice for step 3, however.

Step 3 redo: loving attention

When we simply acknowledge the emotion, and hold it with care (my favorite way of doing this is to place my hands on my heart, or one on my heart and one on my belly), usually the emotion dissipates at least a little. Another way of doing that is to say hi to the fear. If you are familiar with EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques, or tapping), you can also tap on the fear (or follow along with my tapping video here).

Fear + loving attention = diminished fear.

Sometimes, we need to bring loving attention to the thinking mind before we can access the fear. Place your hands on your head, and/or simply say “hi mind. I know you’re trying to help. Thanks so much. And you’re actually making everything so much worse. So maybe we can be with the fear. We don’t need to be afraid of our fear.”

If you do all of the above, and you still feel activated and/or in a state of fear, you might want to do some of these movements to calm your nervous system, and see if there’s a shift.

May you reconnect to your innate sense of trust and safety.

© Jenny Brav

 

It’s “Just” Fear *2023-07-05T15:28:48+00:00

Navigating Transition *

Are you in a time of change? Do you feel overwhelmed and out of control?

“hold still. stay there. tease back the layers. you are in the space between your comfort zone and infinity. you want to hide. not be seen. not be open. not be vulnerable. but you have to.”

– Jeanette LeBlanc

This is a time of great transition for many people. Even when the change is something we’ve worked hard to achieve, it can still trigger old fears and coping strategies. And if the transition is an unwelcome one, it can definitely turn our world upside down.

As children, many of us experienced change as uncomfortable, disempowering, and at times, threatening to our survival. As such, we often developed coping strategies of control and hyper vigilance to try to feel safe. Big life changes can trigger fear of the unknown and anxiety. It may also be challenging to make smaller transitions from work to the weekend, from wakefulness to sleep, and so on.

 

The following are 6 tips for navigating transition so you can feel grounded and light in moving forward:

1. Notice your response

I invite you to get really curious about your reaction to this period of change. Notice any areas of your body that are calling for attention. What emotions are arising? What thoughts are coming up for you about yourself or the world? You might want to jot down what you are observing in a journal.

2. Identify your beliefs

As you begin to notice your own response, start feeling into a belief about yourself or the World that might be underlying your response. For example, “I’m not good enough,” “I have to control things to be safe,” “change is terrifying.” Is this a familiar belief and feeling? If you wish, you might trace this feeling back to an earlier time, perhaps in childhood, when you felt something similar. What was going on? What led you to develop the belief you just identified?

3. Give yourself empathy

When we are struggling, we often add insult to injury by berating ourselves and resisting our own reaction – i.e. “what is wrong with me?!” While this usually comes from a desire to shift our response, our self-criticism usually only serves to reinforce the parts that are afraid or resistant. You might choose to play with naming and accepting your feelings. I like saying hello to whatever is coming up.

For example: “Hi fear. Hi anxiety. I know you are there. I know you HATE change. I get it. I know that change was often super scary when I was a young. It’s OK to be scared.”

4. Find the ground within

When faced with an uncertain situation, many of us have learned to try to control, manage and predict external conditions to feel safe. That will only lead our minds to spin out of control. The pathway back to safety is through the body and returning to the current moment. Feel your breath. Notice sounds outside. I also encourage finding a short practice you can do every day that helps you feel grounded. A few that I like are: tapping all over my body from top to bottom; shaking for a minute or two; sending my breath down my spine, legs, and all the way to my toes; touching a tree and discharging any anxiety I might have.

5. Invite in new beliefs

Look back at your identified belief about yourself or the world. Now that you have acknowledged your feelings and started finding ways to ground internally, imagine what new beliefs you might replace the old beliefs with. For example “this can be easy.” “I’m creating my own reality, and I’m choosing for this to be fun.” “I am enough.” “My worth is innate and not dependent on my performance.”

6. Do a ritual to mark the transition

I’m a big proponent of rituals to mark the end of one era and the beginning of another (see my blog posts on closing rituals and new beginnings). These practices allow us to take a step back and reflect on what we are leaving behind and what is opening up for ourselves, rather than feeling like we are in the middle of the spin cycle of life.

Here is a brief outline of a ritual you can do either as a meditation, a nature walk outside, or a ritual at home (perhaps lighting a candle, or setting the space in any way that feels good to you). You can also do this as a reflective exercise with your journal:

  • Feel into what is coming to a close for you. What were the lessons you learned? What are you grateful for? What are you wanting to leave behind as you move forward?
  • Feel into the time that is to come. What is shifting for you? What is the theme of this era? What do you want to call in for yourself (this might be qualities, support, or something specific you want to manifest)?
  • What is a question you are sitting with as you enter this new era? For example: How do I let go of what no longer serves me? How can I bring in more ease and joy? You might imagine you are dropping the question into the top of your head and letting it seep into your body. For the next week, pay attention to your dreams, things people say to you, and any messages from the natural World.

May you find peace and ease in this time of change.

Change is the time of the chrysalis –
The soupy mess
Between the caterpillar
And the butterfly.
It is the space from
A and B
We so often try to skip over
In our impatience to arrive.
We forget that there is no future, no there  —
Only the building blocks
Of each present moment
Bleeding into the next.
If I am not here,
Now,
Then I will never arrive.
Because when I land
Into the future
I fret about now,
I will have already jumped
Onto the next worry train,
Having missed the beauty
Of the scenery
Along the way.

© Jenny Brav

 

 

 

 

Navigating Transition *2024-03-26T10:30:20+00:00

From Why to Hi *

“Why am I still so afraid of expressing myself? I know I have no reason to be!” a client recently asked in frustration. Although the specifics vary from person to person, exasperation is a common experience when one part of us has outgrown a belief or coping strategy, but another part of us is continuing to hang on for dear life.

Having the insight that our beliefs/emotions/coping strategies don’t match our circumstances can be a helpful first step towards transformation. In and of itself, however, it’s not enough to effect change. And when coupled with impatience and the need to understand, that knowing can actually slow the process down significantly.

In this blog post, we’ll explore how we can shift our “why” into a “hi,” which is much more likely to move us towards lasting change.

Why/What/How Energy

The mind wants to know. That’s its job. And for many of us, we’ve learned that our analytical brain can provide safety and a sense of control in an unpredictable world. However, when we want to know why we’re feeling a certain way (or “how” to change it, or even “what” we’re meant to learn from it), the underlying message we’re sending to that part of us is that there is something wrong with it. Which merely reinforces the shame that usually led to the belief, wound and/or coping strategy in the first place.

Reinforcing Shame

Energetically, shame is one of the stickiest of emotions, and one of the main reasons we may find it difficult to shift out of old patterns. As children, many of us were given the message that we shouldn’t be feeling the way we were, and we certainly shouldn’t be expressing it. Or that some aspect of our being-ness needed to be changed/fixed for us to be accepted and/or safe.

Therefore, anything that resembles judgment (which “why” certainly does) is merely going to reinforce the wounding and the strategies. As cliché as it might seem, compassion is the only energy that will allow our younger parts to feel safe enough to begin to let go.

“Hi” Energy

What if, instead of saying “Why am I feeling fear?” you simply said “Hi fear (or anger, hopelessness, resistance…)”? The hi immediately brings an energy of welcoming. Of allowing things to be as they are. “Hi part of me that’s not ready to change.” “Hi part of me that’s impatient and ready to be done with this.” “Hi overwhelm.”

Saying hello is simple, easy to remember, and the perfect antidote to judgment and “either/or” beliefs. In this space, every part of us can show up at the table, and we can acknowledge each one for what it’s trying to achieve for us (even if the methods can sometimes use some upgrading :>).

Curiosity vs. Analysis

Once we are in that “hi” energy, we can be curious about the origins of our beliefs, emotions, or habits, without bringing judgement to them. While curiosity might seem similar to “why,” the feeling tone of it is actually the opposite. Instead of coming in with preconceived notions of the desired outcome, we’re merely wanting to know more, and are open to wherever the journey takes us. While most of us hate being analyzed, it usually feels good to sense someone’s interest in knowing more about us!

In the case of the client mentioned in my first sentence, our exploration led us to discover that the fear of self-expression actually originated with his maternal grandmother, whose husband was extremely abusive. It was then passed on to his mother, who had to keep the family secret in order to maintain appearances.

While the support of a trained professional might be helpful in the deeper exploration that curiosity can bring us to, “hi” is accessible to all of us, at all times. And you may be surprised by how transformative this seemingly small step can be!

Once we’re comfortable with using the “hi” for ourselves, this can also be a powerful way to change how we hold other people’s behaviors. Rather than greeting our child, partner, coworker, friend, or parent with the unspoken but felt energy of “why [the h***] are you doing XYZ/acting that way??” what if we approached them with that same feeling of allowing and accepting? I invite you to play with your capacity for saying “hi” to whatever arises, and see where it takes you.

Feel free to share the results in the Comments section.

©Jenny Brav

 

 

 

 

From Why to Hi *2022-02-15T14:55:26+00:00

Emotional hygiene: online resources for uncertain times

We are all being impacted by the covid-19 pandemic in different ways. For most of us, old wounds, beliefs, and/or survival strategies have been activated to some degree. Some of us are going into freeze mode: feeling overwhelmed, and wanting to check out/shut down. Others are going into an aborted flight response (since we can’t actually flee): feeling anxious and hyper-vigilant. Yet others are going into fight mode: resisting what is, or getting angry about how things are being handled. Or we might be cycling through all of them. Whatever our response, we can offer compassion and understanding for what is coming up for us.

While caring for our emotional hygiene can easily go on a back burner in the face of everything else that is happening, feeling grounded is just as important for our immune system as eating the right foods, taking supplements, and hand-washing. The following is a list of some online resources for grounding and dealing with difficult emotions. It is in no way exhaustive and many of the online groups are local (to the Bay Area), but it is a starting place.

Grounding/meditation resources

Working with difficult emotions:

Online community events

For some of us, this might be a good time to pursue creative endeavors we might not normally have time for (alone or as a family), such as writing, painting/drawing, dancing at home…

For those looking for community events:

Yoga/movement:

While it can seem that being quarantined, on lockdown, or “sheltering in place” would mean having to stay inside all the time that is not the case in most places, and I highly recommend being in nature if possible.

I’m not going to list all the online fitness, yoga, and movement resources available (thankfully, there are many). Local dance, fitness, yoga etc. classes are all going online. Many of those can be found on meetup, too.

My favorite online yoga teacher is Yoga With Adriene. She has numerous free videos, and has created a “yoga for uncertain times” playlist: https://www.youtube.com/user/yogawithadriene/playlists. Her rainbow yoga video can be done with the whole family: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dF7O6-QabIo, and she has at least one video for kids.

This is an example of a weekly online movement class: https://www.jennevieveybarra.com/online-embodiment.

Qigong is also a wonderful movement practice for grounding, and this is one example of classes that have gone online: https://www.qigonginstitute.org/category/8/classes-and-online-qigong

Other: 

This is a list of informational and other resources, and includes possible online activities (such as museum virtual tours, and “digital safaris”): https://www.hunterleight.com/covid19-resources

Stay safe and healthy. Feel free to share this with others who might find it useful. If you have other suggestions that might fit in this list you can send them to me, and I’ll be periodically updating the resources on my website.  

© Jenny Brav

Emotional hygiene: online resources for uncertain times2020-03-24T00:19:27+00:00

Befriending Your Inner Critic *

Do you have a voice inside your head that can sometimes be your worst enemy? Chiding you, berating you, shaming you? Or perhaps rehashing the same thing over and over? Do you wish you could love yourself more, but that seems impossible until you’ve changed certain things about yourself?

My Journey

My inner critic’s favorite channel is the “not enough” channel. I’m not doing enough, I don’t know enough, I’m not good enough. There’s not enough [money, support, time…]. When I’m tuned into the “not enough” channel, my whole nervous system gets jangled up. My mind then starts spinning even more, ostensibly to try to get things back on track, though usually it just derails me further.

After years of resisting my inner critic and trying to get her to shut up, I have found that the best way to calm that voice is to acknowledge that part of me. “Hi inner critic” I say to her, “I hear you. You have a lot to say today. OK, I’m paying attention.” It’s counter-intuitive, I know. Most of us learned that when there’s a behavior we don’t like, we need to do whatever we can to change or resist it.

Where the Inner Critic Comes From

The thing is, in order to transform our inner programming, it is important to get to the root of it. To understand each part. First, there is our inner critic. The tactics our inner critic uses often mimic those used by our parents or other authority figures to get us to behave. This might have involved punishing, yelling, ignoring, reasoning, arguing, shaming, or a mixture of tactics. Behind the often misguided tactics, however, there is generally something that part is trying to achieve for us.

The Inner Child Part

Then, there is the other part – the behavior or trait our inner critic is trying to change. I call it the inner child part, because it is often linked to coping strategies we developed early on to minimize or avoid difficult emotions or situations. Underneath the behavior is generally some early wounding. The message we received as children that certain parts of us were not OK or not acceptable. That we needed to trade-off parts of ourselves to get love.

Changing the Pattern

When we engage in the behavior or trait we want to change, it is often an indicator that our inner child part is needing reassurance. When we chastise ourselves, or make ourselves wrong, we perpetuate the very wounding that led to the behavior in the first place. Which then only reinforces our inner child’s resistance, and leads to the sense that we have a battle raging inside us. And may replicate the tug-of-war relationship we had with our parents or other authority figures growing up.

What I have found to be the most effective way to break the whole cycle is to be able to give understanding and acceptance to both the inner critic and the inner child parts.  In the following 8-minute guided meditation, I walk you through that process. And you might find that your inner critic has become your greatest ally!

 

 

Guided Meditation for Befriending Your Inner Critic

© Jenny Brav

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Befriending Your Inner Critic *2022-05-03T11:20:39+00:00

Healing Trust Wounds *

Can it be hard to let down your guard? Do you hate feeling out of control? Can it feel like life is an uphill battle?

“I have come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am going. And I have trained myself to love it. Because it is only when we are suspended in mid-air with no landing in sight, that we force our wings to unravel and alas begin our flight.”—C. JoyBell C.

The ability to trust is critical to our capacity for manifesting ease and flow in our lives. During a difficult period in my life, each time I ask my higher knowing what I was meant to be learning, I heard: “to trust and surrender.” While it is a work in progress, being able to open to and accept myself, life, and others exactly as we are has loosened the vice-grip of doubt and judgment, and opened up space for curiosity and play.

Without trust it is difficult to take risks, to be resilient during challenging times, to face the unknown. Our natural state (free from trauma and other experiences that disconnect us from our essence) is trusting and open. And yet so many of us learn at some point that being too trusting is naïve and can lead to pain at best, and dire consequences at worst. We decide that to be safe we need to be hyper-vigilant and/or in control. These wounds and resulting coping strategies can impact our ability to trust ourselves, others, and/or the universe.

The following are possible indicators of the different types of trust wounds (the list is not comprehensive):

1. Difficulty trusting others

  • It is hard to put your guard down around others
  • There are few people you trust enough to be completely vulnerable with
  • You have self or other-identified “commitment issues”
  • You try to control others’ behavior in subtle or overt ways
  • You’d rather drive than have someone else drive
  • You are constantly scanning others to know if you are safe with them

2. Difficulty trusting yourself

  • You have low self-esteem
  • You have a hard time making decisions
  • You judge the “rightness” of your decisions based on the outcome rather than the process
  • You struggle with not feeling enough
  • You are envious of others and feel like it’s inherently easier for them than for you
  • You often ruminate over the past and regret past actions/decision

3. Difficulty trusting the universe

  • You have patterns of generalized anxiety and hyper-vigilance
  • You spend a lot of time trying to manage and predict the future
  • You have a belief that if you are too happy something bad is going to happen
  • You need to control your environment to feel safe

Often we have a combination of a few indicators from two or all of these categories. The following are six tips for beginning to make space for trust and surrender.

A) Identify your wound(s)

Look at the above list, and highlight the ones that you feel apply to you. If there are multiple ones, pick 3 that feel like the biggest obstacles to happiness and/or ease in your life.

B) List possible limiting beliefs

Write down what you think your limiting beliefs around trust might be (it might be more obvious for some of the indicators than others). These might include some version of: “I’m not enough,” “trusting others is gullible and naïve,” “I can never get it right,” “Those I trust always betray me,” “The only person I can trust is myself…”

C) Notice your body and emotions

As you look at your list of limiting beliefs, notice what it feels like in your body. Does any area of your body get tense or jittery? Or do you leave your body and/or does it go numb? What emotions come up for you? For example, do the beliefs bring up anger, fear, helplessness, grief…? You might want to write these down as well.

D) Trace the beliefs and emotions back in time

I invite you to close your eyes. If it is part of your practice, you might want to set up ceremonial and/or meditative space. This might involve lighting a candle, putting on relaxing music, going out in nature, or anything that helps you drop in more deeply into yourself.

From here, imagine you are following the physical sensation, belief, and emotions back in time, to a time when you first or most significantly experienced something similar. If the trust wound was in response to a specific event you might access a memory, or if it was linked to repetitive experiences you might find yourself at a certain time period in your life, or see a series of memories.

E) Bring healing to your young self

Whether you have a specific memory or not, imagine that your current self is entering the space with the young you who was learning that it wasn’t safe to trust him/herself, others, or the world. If there are others in this image, be sure to freeze them so your younger self feels safe. Let him/her know you are there as an ally. Say anything that might have been helpful to hear at the time. Doe example: “It’s not your fault.” “Even though it feels personal, this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them and their wounds/coping strategies. They were like this long before you were born.” “I love you. You are not alone.” “You are perfect exactly as you are.”

Tell your younger self that it was very smart of them to develop the beliefs and coping strategies that they did so they could make sense of what was happening to them.

F)  Update the beliefs

Once it seems that your younger self is feeling seen, heard and safe, tell them that if/when they decide they want to let go of the belief, they can let you know and you can help them release them. It is critical that the decision to release the limiting belief come from the young self and not your current self, otherwise you are just one more adult who’s needing something for them rather than just being there for them. If it feels appropriate, you can perhaps show your young self that what they wanted more than anything else at the time was to trust and be open, but because that wasn’t possible they developed the belief they did. Back then, it served a purpose, but at this point, the only thing between you and freedom is the belief.

When/if they are ready (and if not, keep doing step E as long as is necessary), imagine you are releasing the belief together. You might write it down on a piece of paper, and then tear it up.

Next, write down what new belief (or intention) you want to replace the old one with. For example “Everything is always as it needs to be.” “I can trust that I have everything I need.” “I am learning to trust my inner knowing.” “I am healing my mistrust of others and the universe.” “I am enough exactly as I am.” You might see yourself dropping this new belief into the top of your head and feeling it spreading through the neural pathways that were impacted by the old belief.

Envision yourself stepping into your life with this new belief about yourself and the world. Imagine this in as much detail as possible, in different areas of your life such as work, relationships, creative endeavors, health and so on. Keep doing step F (especially dropping the new belief into your mind and body) every day until it feels more and more true.

Trust
Is allowing
Our heart to rule
Our actions.

Trust is letting go
Of the fantasy
Of how things
Should be;
It’s the deep knowing
That things are exactly
As they’re meant to be.

There is no other way.

Trust
Is the jellyfish dance
Of opening and contracting,
Of testing the boundaries
Being self and other,
Of honoring
Our true yes and no.

 

© 2019 Jenny Brav

 

 

Healing Trust Wounds *2022-02-03T14:40:07+00:00

Inviting in Fun and Play

Does life often feel heavy and overwhelming? Do you wish for more flow and ease?

“Play is the only way the highest intelligence of humankind can unfold” – Joseph Chilton Pearce

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” – George Bernard Shaw

Whether there was space for fun and play when we were children or not, most of us learned that by the time we are adults, it’s time for us to get serious. That wanting to integrate play into our lives is immature and irresponsible. However, a number of studies and books have explored the importance of play for adults, such as Dr. Stuart Brown’s book Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul. In fact, play can help improve our memory, our ability to connect to others, and can mitigate the effects of depression and anxiety.

The following are 6 tips for inviting in more fun and play into your life, and also understanding the difference between play and behavior that may be self-sabotaging/addictive.

1) Identify beliefs about life/work/being an adult

On a scale from 1-10 (10 being the highest), how would you rate the amount of fun and play you integrate into your life? And remember that rating isn’t about good/bad or right/wrong, it’s just information for us to be able to better assess and understand the kind of life we want to be creating for ourselves.

If the number is low, ask yourself what messages you received as a child about life and work. Were the adults in your life having fun and enjoying themselves? And if they were, was it in a way that was contagious and joyful for those around them, or in a way that could be neglectful and harmful to you and/or others they loved? You might want to write down some of these beliefs and experiences.

2) Clear childhood wounding around play/creativity

There are many ways we may have been wounded around play and creativity. Some of us had a lot of space to play and be creative as children, but find it difficult to integrate that into our adult lives (or to know how to balance play and work). Others of us have wounding around play and creativity, either because of the messages we received that we weren’t good enough/it wasn’t a serious activity to engage in, or because the conditions we were growing up in didn’t provide space for it. Play can feel like something only the privileged have access to. Bullying experienced at school and other forms of trauma can also be associated with recess and “play time.”

I invite you to feel back into that younger self. If it is accessible, send him/her/them empathy for those messages and experiences you identified in #1 and #2. Let them know that you are sorry they had to go through that. That you are proud of them for developing the coping strategies they did in order to survive. Let them know that you are doing everything you can to allow them to have a different experience now. That it’s possible life can be both fun and intentional.

3) Understand the difference between play and addictive behavior

Some of us learned (or had modeled for us) ways of dealing with overwhelm and the seriousness of life by checking out, or indulging in behavior that might on the surface of it seem fun, but is actually getting in the way of feeling whole and self-actualized.

Although there are exceptions to the following depending on the beliefs we have, in general, one of the differences between play and addictive behavior is how present we are during, and how much it feels like a choice. When we engage in addictive and/or self-sabotaging behavior, it often feels like we don’t have any control over our behavior, and some part of us feels split/ashamed about our behavior. There may also be guilt and shame about play and fun that is nourishing to our soul too if we learned it was irresponsible to have fun, for example. But that kind of guilt usually has more of a nagging quality.

The point is not that one is good or bad. We want to thank the pattern/behavior we have developed for its intention – for example, to prevent us from feeling uncomfortable emotions or to honor our right to have fun. And start bringing in the possibility that there are other ways to meet those needs.

4) Write a joy list

I invite you to make a joy list to help identify what makes you happy. For example, singing, reading, dancing, building things, making art, going to the gym, star gazing, camping, gardening, riding a motorbike, cooking, listening to music, and so on.  If there are things you loved doing as a child which you have stopped doing, you may consider adding those as well. For many of us, life starts feeling a little sterile when we are always doing the same things. Your joy list could include doing something new each week. If you spend a lot of time in your head for work, then doing something that includes the body might be a great way to hit the reset button.

5) Create a joy box/drawer

Looking at your joy list, put a star next to the top 5 that feel both doable and fun (or more if you wish). Write each one on a separate sheet of paper, and put it in a small box. Each week (or month), you can pick a different one, and commit to doing it in that time frame. Alternately, in her book “Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy,” Sarah Ban Breathnach suggests creating a “comfort box” of things you can pull out on days where life looks bleak. It can include games, crayons, puzzles, stuffed animals, magazines, jokes and so on.

6) Create more time in your schedule

Now that you have your list, make space in your schedule. You may block off specific time for fun in your calendar. Or you might schedule “fun dates” with yourself, with friends or with a partner. And as with most things, it’s not so much the “what” as the “how” that’s important. You might consider the possibility that there is no way of getting this wrong.

 

Play is my soul coming home to roost.
It’s my nervous system rediscovering its right to feel safe,
And my essence reclaiming its innocence.
As I let go of shoulds and expectations
I find my way back into my body.
Knotted muscles unwind,
Loosening their iron grip on my bones.
I am home

© 2018 Jenny Brav

Inviting in Fun and Play2019-06-25T11:20:59+00:00

Clearing Ancestral Baggage *

Do you have beliefs and patterns that you feel like you were born with? Is there a history (known or surmised) of trauma in your ancestral lineage?

 

“When we heal ourselves, we heal the past, the present, and the future (…).There are four things our ancestors need from us: acknowledgment, validation, understanding, and forgiveness.”

– Steven Farmer, Healing Ancestral Karma

 

Beliefs and coping strategies that enabled our ancestors to survive often get hardwired into the next generations’ DNA, whether it is relevant to their situation or not. These may be inherited or learned from our parents, and/or may go much farther back. For example, my father’s ancestors were Latvian Jews who endured centuries of occupation and oppression. Some of the beliefs I have been untangling from that heritage are: “it’s not safe to pursue your dreams,” “we need to stay below the radar,” and “we need to work ourselves to the bones just to scrape by.” My father defied the first belief when he gave up a promising career and moved to Paris to be a writer, but he eventually had to give up on that dream to make a living. When I chose to leave the humanitarian world and pursue a vocation as a healer and writer, I found myself confronted with many obstacles and challenges. It wasn’t until I began to heal and clear some of the ancestral wounds, beliefs and coping strategies that things began to shift for me.

The following are just a few indicators you may have ancestral baggage that needs clearing:

  • You are replicating familial habits or coping strategies
  • You have hyper vigilance patterns that don’t match your past or current reality
  • You have patterns and beliefs you feel you were born with
  • Success and/or failure stories have been passed on as part of the family lore
  • Thinking about your family history (known or not) feels heavy
  • You feel stuck and don’t know why

The following are seven tips for clearing ancestral baggage:

1. Identify the pattern

First, identify a pattern or area of your life that you feel stuck in, that you sense you might have inherited. For example, are you wanting to leave your job, but fear is holding you back? Do you have a chronic health issue that is preventing you from thriving? Do you struggle with balancing your needs and those of others in your relationships and/or friendship?

2. Identify the belief

Now that you have identified the pattern, what belief do you think might be driving it? For example, “I’m the only one I can trust,” “if I’m not careful something really bad might happen,” “others’ needs matter more than I do.”

3. Trace the belief back in time

Imagine that you are tracing this belief back in time to the first time you started believing something similar. What was happening at the time?

Once you have spent a little time with any memory that might come up, I invite you to keep going back in time, until before your birth, to a time that one of your ancestors might have started believing this. You might get a felt sense of something, hear something, or get a visual.

If nothing comes up for you that’s totally fine. You might ask yourself: “did I learn this from my ancestors?” and see if you get a yes. You can also do automatic writing, where you write the question, and then jot down any answer you get.

If you get a yes, you might ask if it was on your mother’s line, or your father’s line. If you were adopted, you can do this for either your birth parents or your adoptive parents.

4. Explore the belief’s intention

When you have a sense of where this might have come from, ask the belief what its function is. What was going on at the time that your ancestors needed that belief to protect them? What strategy did your ancestor/s develop to survive?

5. Acknowledge the ancestors and validate their sacrifices

Once you have a sense of who might have developed this belief and why, I invite you to write the belief down, and perhaps light a candle or set up sacred space in any way that works for you. You can do this even if you aren’t sure where it came from, you just know somehow that there’s an ancestral component to it. Acknowledge your ancestors for the sacrifices they made to in order to survive and provide for their offspring. Let them know how smart it was of them to develop this belief and strategy, that it was exactly what they needed to do at the time.

6. Ask for their support in releasing it

Imagine that you are projecting a video of your current life for your ancestors, so they see how different your life and current circumstances are from theirs. Let them know that if/when you release this belief, you will be doing it in order to honor their sacrifices, and give back to them. Ask for their support in releasing the old belief and coping strategies, knowing that releasing it for you will also enable them to experience something different—through you. If/when it feels like you are ready, imagine that you are letting go of the old belief. If you wrote it down, you might tear it up. If it feels like something is in the way or blocking you, you may need to spend more time with the belief, your ancestors, and/or the young version of you who started developing this belief.

7. Replace the old strategy with a new one

Now, write down a new belief you would like to replace the old belief with. For example: “I can follow my dreams and be financially secure;” “it’s safe for me to shine.” “I am supported by the universe.” Imagine you are bringing this new belief into your crown (the top of your head). Feel it start to permeate the neural pathways that have been conditioned to the old belief. Then, feel it spreading through the rest of your body and into all the cells that were impacted by the old belief.

Additional resources for healing ancestral wounds:

  • “Ancestral Medicine: rituals for personal and family healing”, by Daniel Foor
  • “It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle” by Mark Wolynn
  • “Healing Family Patterns: Ancestral Lineage Clearing for Personal Growth” by Ariann Thomas.

© Jenny Brav

 

 

 

 

Clearing Ancestral Baggage *2022-12-20T13:58:32+00:00

From Stuckness to Flow *

Do you feel stuck in an area of your life, or in a certain pattern? Does it feel like there’s an internal tug of war between different parts of you?

“Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.” – Mandy Hale

At some point in our life, most of us feel stuck in one or more areas of our lives. This might come up in the context of relationships, work, or health. Or we might feel stuck in a pattern, habit or addiction we’ve been unable to shift. Recently, for example, I’ve felt a little stuck in knowing how to move forward with the revision process of my novel’s rough draft. I have felt overwhelmed and confused by often contradictory feedback I was getting, and my own doubts.

From an energetic standpoint, however, it is not possible to be stuck, as everything is in constant flux. However, there are many reasons we may get disconnected from that natural state of flow, and feel stuck. The following are five possible reasons:

  • We are resisting what is

When our current reality does not match our idea of how we want things to be, most of us go into resistance (for example, constantly griping about our work, living situation, relationship, health, or whatever we are unhappy about). Although the intention of the resistance is purportedly to help motivate us to change our circumstances, more often than not fighting with reality actually keeps us mired in it. As they say, whatever we resist, persists.

  • Different parts of us are at odds with each other

Feeling stuck is often an indicator that part of us is ready to let go of a belief or pattern, whereas the part that developed it is hanging on for dear life. For example, our adult self may have a strong desire to be more visible and step into our power, while a child part that got the message we had to hide to be safe is digging his/her heals. And the more impatient the adult part gets, the more terrified and frozen the child part is. This can be true for addictive patterns. A part of us wants to let go as we can see the harm it is causing us (and potentially others), while another part of us is terrified of being present and feeling what is here.

  • We are in a trauma or freeze state

When we explore deeper into the stuck feeling, there is almost always fear (of failure, of success, of visibility, of rejection etc.). For those of us who have experienced trauma and survived by going into a freeze state and/or by disassociating, stuckness may further be a sign of trauma activation. Feeling numb or empty is often an indicator of that.

  • We have a strong inner critic

Many of us have developed a negative inner narrative about ourselves. Although this voice’s intention is usually to motivate us to do better, many of us feel paralyzed by the constant self-flagellation. As soon as we start moving forward in our lives, the inner critic fires a litany of warnings/worst case scenarios. For more on the inner critic, click here.

  • We are holding onto control

Accessing a state of flow usually requires letting go of control, and trusting that everything is OK. Another reason we might feel stuck, is that our mind is busy trying to fix, control and manage, all of which are maintaining us in a tight, constricted place. As such, feeling stuck is also often linked to an inherent sense of mistrust. Mistrusting our inner knowing, others, the universe…

***

So now that we’ve identified a few reasons why we might feel stuck, the following are 5 tips for accessing more flow:

  • Notice the stuckness in your body

When you feel stuck, where do you feel it in your body, and what does it feel like? For example, you might experience it as a weight in your chest, or an empty feeling in your stomach. Or your body might feel numb (or like you aren’t in your body) which as noted above is often an indicator of a survival and/or trauma response. Starting with physical sensations can help us gain some distance from any story we might have about the area of our life or pattern we feel stuck in.

  • Feel the emotions

Stuckness is almost invariably a sign of an emotion we are trying to avoid feeling. As you start connecting with the physical sensations in your body, begin to notice any emotions there. Is there sadness? Fear? Anger? Overwhelm? A sense of powerlessness? To the extent possible, allow whatever arises to be there, without judgment. And if you are too numb or disassociated to feel emotions, ask yourself: “if there were an emotion associated with this feeling, what might it be?” and notice if anything arises. If not, that is perfectly fine too.

  • Identify the beliefs behind the stuck feeling

Now that you’ve started feeling the stuckness in your body, and noticing what emotions might be associated with it, I invite you to start identifying what beliefs might be contributing to the lack of flow. If you have a strong inner critic, one way of doing this is by starting to listen to the negative inner talk. This might lead you to identify beliefs such as “I’m not enough,” “Nothing I do will amount to anything,” “I’m dumb,” “I’m not enough.”

Or you might start feeling into what beliefs/fears come up when you think about the situation or pattern in which you are stuck. Three beliefs that have come up recently with different clients were “it’s not safe to be visible,” “everything is a trap,” and “making the wrong decision can ruin the family.” The first came up when we were investigating blocks around money, the second when we exploring anxiety thoughts coming up around health issues, and the third when looking at fears around leaving a current job. Either/or beliefs are common as well: “I can either have connection or autonomy, but not both.” “Either my needs will get met, or theirs.” Our limiting beliefs may also be inherited from our ancestors, especially if those beliefs enabled them to survive.

  • Bring healing to the younger self

Start feeling into the younger version of you who might have developed these beliefs. What was going on in your life at the time to lead to that belief? If it feels appropriate, you might close your eyes, and imagine that your adult self is there with your younger self. Let him/her/them know that you are there. That you care. That they are not alone anymore. Perhaps tell them that it was smart of them to develop that belief based on their experience. And that it’s just a belief. Not the ultimate truth. If you and your younger self are ready to let go of the belief, you might write it down, and then cross it out or tear it up. You can then write down what new belief you might want to replace the old belief with. For example, “I’m enough.” “It’s safe for me to start trusting again.” “The trap is fear. I can open the door whenever I want.”

  • Visualize your life in a state of flow

Now that you have started bringing healing your younger self and releasing some of your limiting beliefs, I invite you to close your eyes again. Imagine that it is 6 months or a year from now, and you are no longer stuck in that area of your life and/or pattern. What does your life look like? What are you feeling internally? Visualize it in as much detail as possible. Then imagine that you are dropping this image into your crown (at the top of your head), and let it ripple out throughout your body. The invitation is to do that every day for 21 days.

Click below for a guided meditation that walks you through this process:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright © 2019 by Jenny Brav. All rights reserved.   

From Stuckness to Flow *2024-02-21T13:06:42+00:00
Radiant Wholeness Healing, 3099 Telegraph Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705 | (510) 221-6426 | Copyright 2016 Jenny Brav | All Rights Reserved
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