Blog

Cultivating Greater Self-Love and Acceptance *

Can you be your own worst critic? Is loving and accepting yourself contingent on changing all the things you don’t like about yourself?

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” – C.G. Jung

In Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT, or tapping), the standard setup sentence is a variation on “even though I have [_____ fill in the issue you are working on], I deeply and completely love and accept myself.” For many of us, however, the idea of loving ourselves as we are seems like science fiction.  This may due to a history of receiving praise or rewards for good behavior or achievement, and of getting negative feedback/punishment for misbehavior or under-achieving. We may also have learned that loving ourselves was tantamount to arrogance.

In the healing world and spiritual realms, however, it has become accepted wisdom that whatever we resist persists, and that the gateway to change is actually being able to accept ourselves as we are. Easier said than done, for many of us.

The following are 8 tips for cultivating greater self-love and acceptance.

Note: For some people, the word love itself is a loaded term. Clients sometimes say: “I don’t even know what the word love means!” If that is the case for you, you can replace the word love with acceptance, empathy, or any other word that resonates with you.

# 1 Notice your self-judgments

For the duration of this article, I invite you to take off the hat of self-critic, and put on your curious explorer hat. Imagine that you are an anthropologist newly arrived in the land of You, who is wanting to understand what makes you tick. With that perspective in mind, I invite you to start noticing what gets in your way of accepting yourself. Are there specific themes or patterns to your self-judgment? For example, does your self-critic get activated about your appearance, your performance, your articulateness, an addictive habit, your productivity, your ability to socialize with others? Do you ruminate about the past, or compare yourself to others?  

I recommend keeping a daily judgment journal for a week. Either as you go or at the end of the day, jot down the thoughts and self-criticisms you noticed coming up during the day, or any way you felt disappointed in yourself. If self-judgment is not the main obstacle to loving yourself (but rather an addictive behavior, being too other-focused, and so on), track that instead.

#2 Notice the impact on your body and emotions

Now that you have a sense of what your judgment patterns are, start noticing what happens in your body when you judge yourself. Do certain areas of your body contract? Are those habitual areas of holding for you? What emotions arise when you are hard on yourself? Do you feel shame, frustration, helplessness, anger, overwhelm, defensiveness and so on? Do you want to check out? After a few days of tracking your judgments, start adding the physical and emotional impact of your self-criticism in your judgment journal.

#3 Acknowledge your patterns for trying to help you

Ask yourself what your judgment is trying to achieve for you? Is it wanting to motivate you to do better? Get you to change a negative pattern of behavior? Do better than those around you? Prevent you from experiencing failure by keeping you from trying?

Send gratitude to your judgment and self-critic for what they are trying to achieve for you. And then ask yourself how well it’s been working for you. Does judging yourself actually motivate you to work harder, or does it just lead to feeling bad about yourself and wanting to give up? And is there another way to meet the same need that might be more effective?

#4 Trace the pattern to its roots

After a week of keeping your journal, start feeling into the beliefs about yourself that might be underlying your judgments. For example: “I always mess things up,” “no matter how hard I try it’s never enough,” “it’s OK for others but not for me.” Start noticing if the belief feels familiar. Ask yourself: “if there was an age when I first started believing this, what age (or time frame) might that be?” And see if any number or memory pops up. If not, do not worry about it, you can just stay with the belief itself. Otherwise, start feeling into what was happening at the time, or who you might have gotten that belief from. Whose voice or judgments (either about you or themselves, or both) might you have internalized?

#5 Send yourself compassion and forgiveness

Now that you have identified where some of your patterns come from, see if you are able to give yourself compassion for the messages you might have received about yourself. If you aren’t able to have compassion for your current self, try sending empathy to your younger self. At the same time, begin to open to the possibility of forgiving yourself for having absorbed these messages. If you have regret over the past, things you did or didn’t do, see if you can forgive yourself for that, too. Realizing that when you withhold love from yourself, you are likely to perpetuate the mistakes you are beating yourself for. Remember that accepting yourself doesn’t mean giving up or resigning to an unwanted fate. It just means that you are no longer fighting with what is. In fact, it is often only when we are truly able to be love ourselves unconditionally that old stuck patterns begin to shift, because it was conditionally of love that made us develop the coping strategies in the first place.

#6 Start welcoming the parts that have been rejected

As you begin to give yourself compassion, begin to feel into the possibility of accepting even the parts of you that seem unacceptable. Most of us make self-acceptance conditional on living up to our expectations of ourselves, which means that we split off from parts of ourselves that feel unworthy of love. However, those neglected or hidden parts often manifest as our shadow or self-sabotage patterns, trying to get our attention. The more we are able to embrace all of ourselves, including the parts we are less than proud off, the more likely we are to feel whole and integrated.

Feel into the parts of yourself you have been judging. It may be your fear, your vulnerability, your anger… Or it may be the part of you that shuts down and goes into overwhelm, or the part that wants to check out and distract. And see if you can start welcoming that part in. If it helps, perhaps put a hand on your body where it felt tight earlier. And give that part reassurance. For example “it’s ok. I’m here. Even though I’ve been angry at you, I’m open to accepting you are here.” Or whatever feels genuine to you.

#7 Honor your strengths

Our minds are conditioned to focus on the negative. In order to begin shifting your perspective, I invite you to start making a list of your strengths. Transform your judgment journal into a gratitude and celebration journal. Every day, write down something about yourself that you want to honor, and/or that you are grateful for.

#8 Connect to your future self

If accepting and loving yourself as you are still feels elusive (and even if it doesn’t), I invite you to call in a future self who is at peace with themselves. You may get an image of them, or just a felt sense. Imagine that you are approaching this version of you, and letting them know that you are struggling with accepting yourself as you are. Ask for any message or advice they may have for you to get to where they already are. You may also ask for their support in helping you heal any remaining limiting belief or outdated coping strategy that may be getting in your way. If it feels accessible, imagine you are merging with this version of you. How does it feel in your body to accept yourself? How are you living your life? Feel this in every cell of your body. Feel yourself embodying this version of yourself every day for 21 days, and by the end of that time you are likely to feel more at peace with yourself. 

“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit” – E.E. Cummings

© Jenny Brav

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cultivating Greater Self-Love and Acceptance *2024-04-02T12:24:31+00:00

Updating Soul Contracts *

Soul Contracts are agreements we come in with which can provide a spiritual guideline for our human experience, but may also carry Karmic baggage we are needing to heal and clear in this lifetime. Soul contracts can be made with other souls—we may have chosen to support each other in our paths, or we may have unresolved issues we need to work through.

These agreements can also be ones we’ve made for ourselves. For example, I have come to realize that I came in with a servant’s contract to use my life force energy in the service of helping others thrive. I accessed lives where I was a monk, soldier, servant, house wife, social outcast, and sharecropper. In this lifetime, when I first started my practice, rather than clients, I kept on attracting project where I used my skills to promote others life work. That changed when I cleared that contract. I also came in with a contract that I couldn’t heal until everyone else was healed, and that’s one I’ve been working on releasing.

Contracts may be linked to limiting beliefs, but are stronger, more deeply engrained, and more intractable. As long as the agreements are working for us, we don’t need to do anything about them. In this blog post, we’ll be exploring those that need updating or even releasing (if no part of them serve you).

Soul Contract Indicators

  • There is a relationship with someone (it can be with a family member, a colleague, a friend, an intimate partner) that really gets under your skin. And you recognize that your reactions are probably disproportionate to the situation
  • You are being guided to follow a certain path, but obstacles keep on coming up
  • You keep repeating the same patterns over and over, and you’re not sure why
  • You feel like you’ve done a lot of healing on a belief, but it’s not shifting
  • It feels like every time things are going well you get knocked down by something unexpected

Common Soul Contracts

  • My life is in service to others (this can be a general contract, or a specific one with one person’s soul)
  • I need to earn/prove my right to exist
  • Either/or contracts (i.e. I can have freedom or security, autonomy or connection, money or integrity, follow my dreams or have stability)
  • Family loyalty contracts (to be accepted by the family, I need to …)
  • Survival contracts (to survive I can’t be visible, make waves, speak my truth, stay in one place etc.)
  • You have a pattern or belief that doesn’t seem to match this lifetime (true for past life and ancestral contracts)
  • You have an unexplained fear or phobia
  • You have nightmares that feel very real and feel like some other lifetime

Ancestral contracts are often ones that helped our ancestors survive tough times (like conforming to strict social norms, or sticking together as a family) and have been passed on from generation to generation even though the circumstances have changed. Conversely, they may be trying to compensate for an ancestor’s perceived mistake (like following their dreams and being destitute, flaunting social rules and being shunned/shamed, being rich and taking advantage of those around them).

Past life contracts are often developed to try to make sure a trauma that happened in that lifetime doesn’t happen again. Unfortunately, the contracts almost invariably end up keeping us trapped in the traumatic feelings, even though the situation isn’t happening now.

The following are tips for updating or releasing outdated soul contracts:

  • Identify the Contract

There are different ways of identifying the gist of the contract (it’s fine if you have a general sense of it but don’t know all the details). These include: automatic writing, hypnotherapy/meditation, asking an inner guide, spiritual readings (oracle or Tarot cards, Psychic, Akashic, Psychic etc.), tracking a common theme to your patterns.

  • Acknowledge the Intention

Once you’ve identified the contract, acknowledge its intention (for example protection, safety, avoiding judgment, a sense of belonging, getting validation etc.). Send gratitude to the contract for the ways it has served you.

  • Heal the Wounding

Bring loving attention to the child part, ancestor, past life self, Karmic relationship and what they went through that le them to develop this contract. Let them know that when and if you release the contract, it won’t be dishonoring their experience and sacrifices. To the contrary, it’s your way of giving them what they couldn’t have back then.

  • Release or Update the Contract

If you wish, feel free to light a candle, or set ritual space in whatever way you feel called to (this is optional). Imagine you are holding the contract in your hands (you can also write it down on a piece of paper). Nod to it, and express gratitude for how it served you. And then release it into energy and light. You can also tear up or burn (if you can do it safely) your piece of paper, or modify it as needed if it just needs an update.

The following video will also guide you in identifying and/or releasing your contract.

 

 

 

 
Copyright © 2022 by Jenny Brav. All rights reserved.   

Updating Soul Contracts *2022-11-29T13:23:36+00:00

Living Your Purpose*

Do you ever feel like there is more you are meant to be doing with your life? Perhaps you have a clear sense of what it is, but there is always something that seems to get in the way of you actually doing it (or doing it fully). Or maybe you have just a vague nagging sense that you are not fulfilling your potential.

shutterstock_70744276My Story

From a young age, I had a clear sense that I was meant to be of service to others. This led me on an exploration of different ways to fulfill that purpose, including spending close to a decade working on international human rights issues in conflict zones in Asia and the Middle East.

In 2004, I had an internal crisis that led me to question my purpose. I was working in Indonesia at the time, and the area where we had been accompanying human rights activists was under martial law. Internationals had been kicked out, and we were reporting on the human rights abuses from afar. We felt helpless to do anything, and tensions within the team were high. After months of this, I developed repetitive stress injury in my arm, and eventually had to leave to take care of my health.

I went into a period of deep questioning: if this was what I was meant to be doing, why hadn’t I felt that sense of cosmic alignment and ease I get when I’m on the right path? I started meditating, doing yoga, and studying Chinese Medicine to heal my body, while continuing to work in the human rights field, this time in Nepal. During a process of soul searching, I eventually took a leap of faith in 2010, and moved to the East Bay. It has been an ongoing journey of clearing blocks and coming into ever deeper connection with my soul’s guidance.

These are some tips that I learned along the way, along with a guided meditation to help you get in touch with your life purpose.

Connecting to Your Inner Wisdom

The first step to living your life purpose, is to be connected to your own wisdom. This might be through guides or having a gut feeling which you follow. You might get support from others in the process, but ultimately you want to be able to access your own information. Some of my favorite methods include automatic writing, movement, meditation, being out in nature, and through body awareness. I have learned to pay attention the moment my body contracts, because that’s its way of telling me that something isn’t right. I discovered the hard way that each time I’m not paying attention, or I override my own no, it gets more and more difficult to access my intuition.

How do you connect to your intuition? Do you have a clear sense of your yes and your no? What happens when you override your own guidance?

Asking Your Knowing

This may take some time, but once you feel clear about how you connect to your own intuition, you can practice with small daily decisions. When that feels comfortable, ask yourself: what is my life purpose? This might be during a meditation, working out, driving, being out in nature, or through a form of creative expression. And just see what comes to you. You might get a felt sense of it, hear words, or see images. Whatever it is, just let it come to you. It may come to you right away, or it may be a process that unfolds over days, weeks, months, or even years. The main thing is to trust the information you get. Often, we are expecting something earth shattering. But it might be very simple. In my experience, our life purpose is more often about our being-ness and the qualities we embody, than anything we might do.

Intention Setting

The next step to living your life purpose is intentionality. While this has become a buzz-word, especially in spiritual circles, I have found it to be one of the keys to fulfilling my potential. It is all too easy to get caught up in distractions and the mundanity of daily living. Your intention might be to get clearer about your life purpose.

In the morning, I set an intention for the qualities I want to embody that day. At the end of the day, I review my day for what I am grateful for. When I forget to do this, I find it is much easier to take the things I have for granted, and to focus only on what isn’t right about my life.

Knowing your Saboteur

The closer we are to living our life purpose, the more likely it is that our protective strategies kick in. This is because somewhere along the way, we learned that it wasn’t safe for us to be all we could be. We fear ridicule, failure, or punishment if we are too visible or don’t fit in with the mold. We may also have a strong fear of the unknown or of change, so that we hang onto what is familiar.

How do you know when you are in resistance? Do you start distracting, avoiding, or acting out in some way? Do you start focusing on others and what they should be doing differently? Once you start recognizing your inner resistance, you can begin to befriend it. What is it trying to tell you? Is it afraid? Does it want you to slow down? After you get a sense of what your saboteur is trying to achieve for you, you can send it gratitude for trying to protect you, even if its tactics may be a little outdated.

Living a self-actualized life is always a dance between setting intentions for yourself, and then letting go and surrendering to what is. In the end, living your life purpose is not about achieving something external, or becoming something you aren’t. It is about clearing the voices of doubt and fear so you can access more of what is there already. The following guided meditation is intended to help you get more fully in touch with your purpose. Enjoy the journey!

Guided Meditation for Finding Your Life Purpose

© Jenny Brav

 

 

 

 

 

 

Living Your Purpose*2024-04-09T09:48:26+00:00

Making Space for Forgiveness *

Do you feel weighed down by the past? Can it be difficult to forgive yourself or others?

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it” – Mark Twain


In this era of flinging blame and pointing fingers, forgiveness often feels like a scarce commodity. While there is general consensus in the mental health world that forgiving and moving on is beneficial for our well-being, in practice the topic can be a thorny one.  Especially for those who have experienced trauma, abuse or neglect, forgiveness can seem like being asked to excuse what happened and to give the perpetrators a free pass. Or it may feel like one more instance of being asked to take the higher ground. In the case of something that we did, forgiveness may feel like letting ourselves off the hook.

Anger is an appropriate and important response to trauma or any kind of boundary violation, and being able to access and accept anger is often critical to healing. Conversely, anger at ourselves may be a first step towards owning and changing old patterns that no longer serve us. In the long-term, however, hanging onto resentment often keeps us energetically tied to the event or people we are angry at, and therefore unable to heal or move forward. When directed at ourselves, it may actually perpetuate the very behavior we are wanting to transform.

Whether you are working on forgiving either yourself or others, the following are six tips to help you on your journey:

#1 Accepting your anger

If we leap to forgiveness before connecting to and accepting our anger, we will merely be bypassing the hurt that is needing attention. The first step is therefore to validate the wisdom of the parts that are hanging onto resentment towards yourself and/or others.

To do that, feel into any part of you that is unwilling to forgive. Ask yourself what that part is trying to achieve for you. For example, it wants to protect you, punish someone (or yourself) for what happened, ensure it never happens again, motivate you to change, and so on. Send gratitude to that part for its intention for you. And ask yourself if holding onto the resentment has been effective in achieving the goal it has for you. If not, see if that part might be open to trying a different way.

#2 Accepting what is

Wherever there is a reluctance to forgive, there is usually resistance to accepting reality. Unfortunately, we cannot change the past, and resistance only further entrenches us in what happened since it prevents us from moving on.

Feel into ways that you may be resisting things that cannot be changed. Again, send gratitude to the resistance for trying to protect you. And then ask yourself how it might feel to simply allow things to be as they are, and move forward from there. For more tips on accepting things as they are, see my blog post on the topic.   

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” – Martin Luther King

#3 Realizing it’s not personal

If you are working on forgiving someone, it can be freeing to realize that whatever happened wasn’t personal (which doesn’t mean there isn’t a huge personal impact to you). Of course when something tragic happens or your boundaries are violated, it feels very personal. However, it’s not your fault. Other people’s actions are their responsibility. Freeing ourselves from responsibility for others’ behaviors actually creates more space for giving ourselves compassion. And eventually may give us compassion for the other’s pain, if that is appropriate.

If it feels safe and will not be too triggering, I invite you to call up the image of someone who you are having a hard time forgiving. You may want to set your energetic boundaries first as described in the guided meditation at the end of this blog post or do anything else that will help you feel grounded and safe. Give yourself plenty of space to feel and allow for any emotions that come up. And imagine that you are giving back – preferably without anger — anything you might be unintentionally holding of theirs. Their judgment, pain, anger, insecurity, jealousy, power struggles… You can say out loud “this is no longer mine to hold.”

#4 Forgiving yourself

Although it seems that forgiving ourselves means we are likely to repeat the same mistake, when we are angry at ourselves we are actually more likely to repeat the behavior, because there is an internal war going on. Taking full responsibility for our actions usually requires the ability to fully face and accept our own imperfections.  

Whether your anger is towards others or yourself, at least some of it is usually directed at yourself – be it consciously or unconsciously. Notice if there is a way you are blaming yourself.  Feel the impact that the self-blame is having in your body and heart. See if you can send yourself compassion for the pain that you have, instead. Ask yourself what you would need to be able to forgive yourself.

#5 Letting go of inherited pain

Often, when we have been hurt or hurt others, there are old ancestral wounds on both sides needing healing. While that doesn’t exonerate us from responsibility for our own actions, realizing that there are often generations of unresolved baggage wanting to be healed through us can sometimes help put things into perspective. The following is one resource for healing ancestral wounds: http://ancestralmedicine.org/ that has been very helpful to me in my path.

#6 Choosing freedom

Forgiveness only works if it is not an expectation, but a choice. And a choice you make not to be a better person, but because you want to free yourself of the burden of hanging on. Ask yourself, if today were the first day of the rest of yourself, would you want to be weighed down by resentment towards yourself or others? Close your eyes, and imagine in as much detail as you might be feeling and living your life if you chose forgiveness. 

 

Forgiveness

Is the lightness
In my step
As I shed
The old shackles
Tying me to my pain
And to your transgressions.

I release myself
From your shadow
And my own.

I unravel
The rope
Of suffering
Snaking back
Through centuries
Of inherited wounds.

I see past
My stories
To the mirror image
Of my sorrows
Reflected
In your eyes.

© Jenny Brav

 

 

 

Making Space for Forgiveness *2023-02-07T20:56:44+00:00

Your Existence is NOT on Trial *

Do you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth? Do you fear judgement, and take others’ comments very personally?

“Don’t let the expectations and opinions of other people affect your decisions. It’s your life, not theirs. Do what matters most to you; do what makes you feel alive and happy.” – Roy T. Bennett

“You’ll never know who you are unless you shed who you pretend to be.” – Vironika Tugaleva

Many of us live life probationally. As though our very existence were on trial, and we have to prove our worth in order to get to stay. To this end, we may expend much of our energy trying to do the “right” thing and to please others so we get validation that it’s okay we’re here. Or we strive to check societally endorsed boxes of success (unfortunately, nothing is ever enough). Conversely, we may be guarded, bracing for the judgment that we’re sure is about to come. Constantly on the defensive, gathering rebuttals and justifications to counter any incriminating evidence that we fear will come our way.

There are plenty of valid reasons for this. As children, many of us learned through the parenting we received and/or the educational system we went through that our value would be measured by our performance and/or behavior. As such, we disconnected from our inherent sense of worth, and learned to change or temper some parts of ourselves to get approval or avoid punishment. Additionally, many of us have histories of persecution due to gender, race, religious beliefs, class, ethnicity, sexual orientation (and so forth) somewhere in our lineage. These actual lived experiences of being shunned often get passed on in our genetic makeup and responses to life.

However, when our strategies aren’t updated to match our current circumstances, this defensive/apologetic stance makes it difficult to live a full and authentic life. It might be helpful to look at these tips for clearing childhood wounds and releasing ancestral baggage.

Once you have, here are four reminders to help you release this probationary approach to life.

  1. Your worth is unconditional

Although this might not be the message you received, the truth is that your worth is inherent. Not dependent on anything external. This is the universal truth that applies to all living beings. You are here not to make up for your existence, but to be grateful for it. To shine as brightly as you wish to, all your gifts in evidence.

  1. You’re here to take up space

You may have learned you need to hide to be safe. And if that’s the case, you can give that scared young part of you love and compassion, and take things slowly. Also, let that part know that your circumstances have changed. It is now not only safe, it’s actually safer than hiding, which is now causing you pain and distress. Because you’re here to be visible. To take up space. You don’t see trees in the forest huddling in the background, trying to make themselves scarce.

  1. You’re here to be YOU

A common strategy to survive our families, authority figures, and/or our peer group is to try to adapt to whatever we perceive as the majority or accepted way to be in order to fit in. However, if you’re not you, who will be?

If all the flowers in the world were the same, how boring would that be? We are all born with our own unique flavor of being, that we are meant to shine and thrive with. We are not meant to mimic everyone else, or play by cookie-cutter rules.

  1. The only expert on your life is you

Others may have opinions on how you live your life, your job, your clothes, your romantic partners and so on. But remember, other people’s judgments reflect on them (their values, beliefs, wounding, triggers etc.), not on you. The only person whose opinion matters is your own. Which isn’t to say you can’t honor or listen to others. But you have the final say.

Learn to listen to and trust your inner guidance, for it will lead you where you need to go. And if/when you feel stuck, and/or doubt creeps in, know that that’s just a scared young part needing reassurance. Pause, send love to the fear, and let that part know that it’s okay to be scared. It’s safe now. And wait until the doubt clears, or at least quiets, to take the next steps.

***

Next time you notice you’re making yourself small, getting defensive, stifling your voice to please others, judging yourself or others, I invite you to stop. And remind yourself:

“My life is NOT on trial. I have full permission to exist and take up space. Why else would I be here?”

 

 

Your Existence is NOT on Trial *2022-10-11T11:06:54+00:00

Healing Childhood and Family Wounds*

Do you feel like your childhood wounds are still interfering with your life? Does being with and/or thinking about your family trigger strong reactions in you?

“When we’re all living in the space of the inner child, loving, honoring, respecting, and embracing its desires, we are at peace.” Kim Ha Campbell

Most of our core wounds come from our childhood experiences. We might have gotten the message that we were too much, not enough, that parts of us weren’t acceptable and had to be hidden. We may have experienced neglect, abuse or other forms of trauma. The beliefs and coping strategies we developed as a result often stay with us long after our circumstances have changed.

Whether we are still in touch with our family or not (and whether our family members/caretakers are alive or not), the holiday season and certain anniversaries can be triggers for all that old stuff to come to the surface. Similarly, the old patterns often rear their heads when we are on the cusp of big transitions, and one part of us (usually the current, adult self) is ready to change, while another part (usually a very young self) is terrified and thinks change means certain death.

The following are five tips for beginning to heal childhood and family wounds:

1. Identify the wounds

Most of the time, we are not even aware of the old programing that is still running our thoughts and our nervous systems. Something happens, and whatever we are feeling and thinking feels like the truth: we are being dismissed, or victimized. Others really don’t care and can’t be trusted. However, these are just beliefs, the lens through which we are interpreting events. The first step is therefore to identify what the wounding and the beliefs are.

Is there a feeling or thought that is often recurring for you? For example, do you have a story that you are not welcome, or that nobody sees you? Perhaps think of a recent situation that triggered a strong reaction, or a difficult interaction with a family member. What were you believing about yourself or the other in that moment? Examples include: “I don’t matter,” “I’m invisible,” “others’ needs matter more than mine,” “I can either honor myself or please others, but not both,” “showing vulnerability is weak, and others will take advantage of me…” Write down your belief.

2. Feel into the emotions

To go more deeply into the wound, I invite you to notice what emotions come up for you when you are believing the words you wrote down in #1. These might include sadness, frustration, helplessness, rage, fear, confusion and so on.

When you access these emotions, check in with your body and notice the physical sensations there. Does any area get tight, achy or jittery? Does any part of your body (or perhaps even the whole body) feel distant or numb? There is no need to try to fix or change it, we are simply exploring and getting curious about what is there, what is wanting our attention.

3. Trace the belief and feelings back in time

Closing your eyes, imagine that you are following the belief, emotions, and physical sensations back in time, to a time, situation or place when you first or most significantly felt something similar. You might get a memory, or just a felt sense of something. You might also access a time period more than a specific incident. What was happening at the time? How was your young self feeling? What was he/she learning about him/herself and the world? What was s/he deciding to do to cope with the situation?

4. Bring love and healing to your young self

The wounding happened because your young self was needing something he/she didn’t get. Common unmet needs include safety, connection, feeling seen/understood, feeling that our voice matters and so on. The best way to begin healing the wounds and upgrading our coping strategies is to start offering that missing experience to the young self. What were they needing that they didn’t get?

Once you have a felt sense of your young self, imagine that your current self is entering the space with your young self. Let them know you are there to support them. Say something to them that would have been really helpful for them to hear at the time. “It’s not your fault.” “I’m here, I’ve got you.” “You are perfect exactly as you are.” “Their inability to be there for you in the way you need reflects on them, it has nothing to do with your needs.” Or if what your younger self is needing is physical presence more than words, you can feel yourself holding that part of you, giving him/her love.

 5. Start imprinting new possibilities

Give your younger self an energetic hug. Let them know you will keep on checking in on them. Now imagine that you are fast forwarding in time to a time when you have released that belief about yourself and/or the world. You realized that it was just a belief you developed when you were very young as the best way you could make sense of your experiences at the time. It’s not the actual truth.

What new belief would you like to replace the old one with? How are you feeling and living your life with this new programming? Feel and imagine it in as much detail as possible. And if it doesn’t feel accessible yet, keep doing the first four suggestions until it does. When you are ready, visualize yourself dropping this image of you operating on this new belief into your crown, and letting it permeate all the neural pathways that have been conditioned to the old belief. Feel it spreading to all the cells, muscles and tissues in your body. Placing your hands on your heart, imagine you are filling your heart with this new belief. When your heart feels full, feel it radiating back out into the universe.

The following is a guided meditation for healing your younger self based on the above tips:

 

 

© 2019 Jenny Brav

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Healing Childhood and Family Wounds*2023-07-11T11:41:30+00:00

Staying Centered in Times of Uncertainty*

Do you feel like your world has been thrown off balance? Have some of your old triggers and patterns been activated in the past few weeks (or perhaps months)?

“We don’t realize that, somewhere within us all, there does exist a supreme self who is eternally at peace.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert

monument-valley-1593318_1280

For most of us, change and uncertainty—whether it be on an individual, community, national or global level—triggers our old wounds and coping strategies. This may look like overwhelm and paralysis, getting easily irritated, trying to manage and control things…While it may feel like we have regressed or there is no solid ground to cling to, in my experience this is a sign that we are shifting into new possibilities, and that our souls are shedding what no longer serves us. That doesn’t mean it’s comfortable, however!

The following are five tips for staying centered during chaotic or uncertain times, so we can come out on the other side relatively unscathed.

# 1. Pay attention to your patterns

When things are feeling unpleasant, many of us have default patterns we rely on. You might notice you have an emotional response such as getting angry, blaming others, or collapsing into doubt and defeatism. Or you may find yourself falling back on your favorite distraction strategies to avoid feeling, or to comfort yourself. These may include over-eating, binge-watching Netflix, playing video games, watching porn, compulsive thinking, exercising frenetically, and so on. For now, simply take note of what is coming up for you, without making yourself wrong or trying to change your behavior.

# 2. Connect to your body

During times of change, many of us go into fear mode and disconnect from our bodies (as you might see from the patterns you have been tracking).  I invite you to find small ways to connect to your body, especially if you are feeling activated. Ideas for this include (but are in no way limited to):

  • Spend time (even 5 minutes) meditating and feeling your breath
  • Take a walk out in nature
  • Garden
  • Engage in a physical activity
  • Pat your body all over, and really feel each part as you touch it
  • Allow yourself to feel the feelings that are coming up

Whatever you do, keep bringing your attention back to your body, so that the activity isn’t just another way to escape from feeling.

# 3. Reach out to others

During these times, many of us (especially those on the more introverted spectrum) tend to isolate and hunker up. While having more space to connect to yourself can be healing right now, notice if isolating is exacerbating your sense of inertia/despair. If it is, be sure to reach out to those you are close to and trust. Know that you are not alone. There is a big energetic shift that many are feeling in this moment. This is a good time to reach out to healers or therapists you may have seen in the past, as having support is key right now.

# 4. Be gentle with yourself

I invite you to be very gentle with yourself, whatever is coming up. If you are struggling and reverting back to old patterns, then in all likelihood your inner critic is having a field day with you (because that’s our inner critic’s job)! In addition to noticing your patterns, connecting to your body, and reaching out for support, I suggest you give yourself as much empathy as possible. A beautiful Buddhist practice for that is that of loving kindness, also known as Metta. This is a practice where you send yourself loving intentions for your well-being, such as “may I be happy, may I be safe, may I be healthy, may I live with ease…”  (click HERE for more information on the practice). If it is difficult to send yourself love, you can start with someone you can easily give love to (such as a pet, child, or loved one, and then start giving it to yourself.

“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” ― Dalai Lama XIV

   #5. Open up to what wants to emerge

Tips 1-4 should help get your body out of survival (or fight/flight) mode, meaning that you are feeling calmer, more at ease, and your nervous system isn’t as activated. If not, keep doing more of the above. If so, you can set the intention to start opening to what wants to emerge. This may take the form of asking yourself, from a calm and peaceful place: “what am I supposed to be learning from this?” or “what is wanting to emerge?” and just see what happens next. Or if you have a practice of checking in with a higher power, guides, or your higher self, you can do so and see if you get any message or advice. And remember, you are not alone.

Words of encouragement for tough times 

Finally, I will leave with a few words of encouragement I wrote for my loved ones during a time of crisis:

Know that even when the shadows are dancing in the corners of your mind, you are loved.

That even when the doubts crowd your knowing, you are supported.

That hope is waiting to pull you out of the undertow of despair and disparagement.

That when you are lost in the wilderness of your pain, your light is still there, even if hidden.

And when your breath slows its frenzied race, it can reignite your soul with its loving touch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

© Jenny Brav

Staying Centered in Times of Uncertainty*2022-07-30T19:13:28+00:00

Navigating Cycles of Death and Rebirth *

Do you feel heavy, exhausted, or stuck? Is some area of your life in crisis, or simply feels like it no longer fits?

“How can you rise, if you have not burned?” – Fatima Ahmad Ibrahim

Have you ever noticed that, when viewed in hindsight, the darkest times in your life are often followed by a sense of renewal or growth? In Shamanic terms, cycles of death and rebirth refer to periods in our life when part of us—be it a belief, a coping strategy, or situation—is ready to die in order to make way for a bigger version of us to emerge. However, the death part of the cycle can feel very uncomfortable when you’re in the middle of it, which is why I’m focusing on that part of the cycle specifically.

The following are possible indicators that you are in a cycle of death and rebirth, as well as four tips that might help you get through the death part of the cycle with more ease.

You might be in a death-rebirth cycle if one or more of these are present:

1. An area of your life (such as your health, finances, relationship, or work) is in crisis

This is often a sign that old patterns no longer serve us, but some part of us is hanging on for dear life, which may lead us into an acute situation.

2. Things feel dense, heavy and dark

Even when the situation is not acute, you might feel weighed down (physically and/or emotionally), and have the sense of wanting to shed something. This could lead to feeling stuck, depressed, lethargic, or irritated/frustrated.

3. You feel like you’re regressing into old patterns

Although this one might feel counter-intuitive, one sign that you are on the cusp of a rebirth is the resurgence of old patterns. This is often the case because whatever young part developed the pattern you are ready to shed is scared and doesn’t know it’s safe, so there’s some backlash to the changes wanting to occur.

4. You’re feeling anxious, and like there’s no ground beneath you

Especially if you have chronic anxiety, these periods of transition will probably trigger fear and agitation. It is important to remember that your anxious thoughts are not telling you the truth of your situation, but are merely indicators of a part of you needing love and attention.

Four tips for cycles of death and rebirth:

1. Identify what you are sloughing off

If one of the above indicators resonates with you, I invite you to get curious about what might be wanting to shift. I.e. if an area of your life is in crisis, what might it be pointing to that’s wanting healing. Is it a belief about yourself or the world? A way of being in the world that no longer fits (such as people pleasing, or needing to be right…)

Although not absolutely critical to the process, it can be helpful to name what it is that you might be letting go of, such as: a pattern of distraction and checking out; a strategy of staying small and under the radar; the need to fight for attention; the belief that you’re all alone…

2. Bring loving attention to the scared/resistant (younger) parts

Once you identify what you’re letting go of, feel into any young part that might be scared, or resisting. Is there an age/age range or memory associated with the patterns? If not, no worries, you can just focus on the feelings.

Send compassion to the part of you that is scared or resisting. This could simply mean putting a hand on a part of your body that feels tight, agitated, numb, or achy. Or you could say some caring words such as “I know it’s scary. Of course it is. This is reminding you of all the times you got the message it wasn’t safe to… And we can hang onto this as long as we want to. And, it’s possible it is safe. We are ready. We have more resources and choices than we did then…”

3. Make space for grief

Just because it’s in our highest interest to grow and evolve doesn’t mean there won’t be grief about letting go of old and familiar patterns and beliefs. It’s important to be gentle and patient, and to make space for grief.

4. Trust

We tend to interpret the death cycles as wrong and bad, which is understandable because they can feel so uncomfortable and/or dire. However, that only leads to resistance and  fighting with what is, which prolongs and exacerbates the discomfort. Once you start learning to identify these patterns, you can begin to trust and surrender that whatever is happening is for your highest good.

And even if you don’t know what that is, you can trust that further down the line, when viewed in hindsight, these dark times will be followed by a sense of renewal or growth.

 

 

 

 

 © Jenny Brav

Navigating Cycles of Death and Rebirth *2024-02-27T15:05:07+00:00

Beyond a Scarcity Mindset *

 

 

Does it seem like there’s never enough (time, money, appreciation etc.)? Do you feel tight and contracted when you think of the future? Do you compare yourself to others to assess how you are doing?

 

“Plant seeds of happiness, hope, success, and love; it will all come back to you in abundance. This is the law of nature.” – Steve Maraboli

“Abundance is not something we acquire. It is something we tune into” – Wayne Dyer.

Scarcity thinking is tight, competitive and narrow – predicated on the belief that there isn’t enough to go around. We are constantly scrambling – after time, validation, success – in order to prove that we are enough. This mindset is an adaptive response to external threats, and most likely stems from survival strategies developed by our ancestors. When resources are limited, being territorial and aggressive can help give us a competitive edge over others. Nowadays, however, for many of us this survival-based scarcity mentality is a stress-based negative feedback loop, fueled by our beliefs and past experiences rather than our current reality. Instead of helping us survive, it keeps us from thriving and manifesting our dreams.

During a session with one of my clients, we explored what we called her scoreboard – the way she was mentally keeping track in her relationships of who had the upper hand in generosity and giving. Although her scoreboard arose from a childhood experience that her needs were not important and from a desire for reciprocity, at this point it was just keeping her trapped in a small, contracted, and “tit for tat” world.

In this post, I will be describing nine ways of identifying and understanding the scarcity mindset, as well as eight tips for tuning into an abundance mindset.

Nine ways of recognizing when you are in a scarcity mindset:

1. Fight or flight mode

A scarcity mindset is intricately woven into being in survival mode. Many of us live in a state of hyper-arousal, where the slightest stressor gets interpreted by our nervous systems as a threat to our survival. Anxiety, hyper-vigilance, fear, reactivity and defensiveness are often signs of a scarcity mentality.

2. Not enough-ness

The basic premise for scarcity thinking is the idea that there isn’t enough to go around. Whenever we have a feeling that either we or others are not good enough, or that there isn’t enough [time, money, love, etc.] to go around, it is a good indicator that we are in scarcity mode.

3. Competitiveness

When there isn’t enough to go around, we need to fight for what’s ours, or somebody else will get our share. When we are in scarcity mode, we operate on a zero sum game of winners vs. losers. We are constantly trying to prove our worth. Even if we want to, it can be difficult deep down to celebrate others’ happiness and success, because it seems to highlight our own failure. As such, competitiveness, possessiveness, and envy can all point to a scarcity mindset.

4. Right/wrong thinking

Linked to a competitive win/lose mindset is right/wrong thinking. This is a black and white lens through which we view the world. In this mindset, we are constantly trying to prove that we are right, and differing viewpoints feel like a threat to our survival.

5. Keeping score

Another indicator of scarcity thinking is if we have an internal scoreboard that is keeping track of who did what. While fairness and reciprocity are both important values for many of us, tit for tat thinking can prevent us from accessing a space of open generosity and trust. For some people, paranoia and feeling like others are against us may also be tied to keeping score.

6. Waiting for the other shoe to drop

Another aspect of scarcity thinking is that even when things are going well, we are always waiting for something bad to happen. This is also linked to the negativity bias, by which we are evolutionarily trained to pay attention to negative cues in order to survive. As such, our attention is skewed towards remembering what is wrong rather than all the things that are going well.

7. Contraction and tightness

When we are in a scarcity mindset, our body is tight and contracted – ready to pounce at any moment, or in a state of fear. As such, a good way to know if we are in scarcity mode is to track our bodies.

8. Dissociation

Alternately, especially when we have a history of trauma, we may disconnect from our bodies altogether. This may take the form of a freeze state, where we feel stuck and dazed, unsure of what to do. Or our minds may take over, trying to manage everything by trying to figure things out.

9. Collapse or control

Another indicator of operating in a scarcity mindset is when we vacillate between states of collapse and control. In the first, we may feel powerless, hopeless, or in despair, and we have a sense of being at the mercy of the universe and others’ whims. In the other, we are trying to manage and control everything. Linked to the control mode is resistance to what is, and the feeling that things should somehow be different than they actually are.

So now that we have identified when we are operating from a scarcity mindset, how can we shift that?

8 tips for fostering an abundance mindset:

1. Acknowledge the scarcity mindset for its intention

When we make ourselves and our patterns wrong, we are merely reinforcing the right/wrong thinking. The first step to being able to shift out of this mindset is recognizing that we developed it for a reason. Oftentimes, the scarcity mindset is either a direct response to our childhood experience, or a pattern we inherited from our ancestral lineage – or both. Either way, acknowledge how being in survival mode helped you and/or your ancestors survive and get to where you are today. And start feeling into the possibility that this mindset no longer serves you.

2. Connect with your body

As noted above, a surefire way of identifying that you are in scarcity mode is tuning into your body. Start tracking when your body feels tight, numb, or when your thoughts spinning out of control.

Once you notice your patterns of tension and checking out, begin to cultivate ways of connecting to your body. This may be as simple as taking a deep breath or putting your hands on areas that feel tense. Or you may want to take up mindful practices such as meditation, qigong or yoga.

3. Keep a gratitude journal

A great way to counter the scoreboard mentality and the negativity bias is to start tracking all the things that are going well, and all the things you are grateful for. You can carry a notebook around with you to jot things down as they come to you, or write in a journal before going to bed, so the last thing you think of before sleep is all that went well, rather than mulling over problems. This isn’t about ignoring or neglecting actual problems needing attention, but is intended to start shifting your perspective from scanning for what’s wrong to recognizing the beauty accessible in each moment.

4. Acknowledge yourself and others

Once you start developing your capacity for gratitude, continue building that muscle by acknowledging yourself and others. You might also start tracking in your journal all the things you did right. In scarcity mode, we are often waiting for others to acknowledge us, whereas when we start tuning into an abundance mindset, we are able to give that to ourselves. And once you do, I invite you to start making it an intention to acknowledge and appreciate those around you. You may find that when others feel valued rather than criticized, their attitude towards you will shift too. And that way we can start valuing what we have when we have it, rather than just when we lose it.

5. Cultivate a win-win mindset

From an abundance perspective, rather than there being a finite amount of happiness to go around – meaning that if one person thrives, someone else is miserable – we recognize that we are all here to flourish and to inspire others to do the same. So the next time you feel like you have to fight for recognition, or that someone else’s success is taking away from you, ask yourself how things would be if this were a “win-win” game, rather than a zero sum game.

6. Begin to accept what is

Part of what keeps us stuck in a scarcity mindset is the belief that things should be different than they are, which leads us to resist reality. In order to start shifting out of that mode, I invite you to start noticing when you are fighting with the way things are (which might include fighting with how you are). And ask yourself: what is the resistance achieving for me? What would happen if I assumed that everything is as it should be?

7. Go on a technology/media fast

Although technology is an integral part of most of our lives, an over-consumption of news and media can exacerbate a scarcity mindset due to a) advertisements and programs that feed our fears, b) news that is focused on disasters and crises c) a plethora of distractions with which we can check out. For a week, try limiting your media consumption to certain times of the day, and notice how that impacts your perspective on things (including your sleep, which is vital to an abundance mindset).

8. Imagine you are co-creating your life with the universe

When you find yourself oscillating between collapse and control, ask yourself what it would be like if you were co-piloting your life with the universe. Rather than being at the mercy of the world or in total control of everything, see if you can find that sweet spot where you set a course, while trusting that wherever you are has its own wisdom you may not have the perspective to understand right now.

© Jenny Brav

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beyond a Scarcity Mindset *2024-05-28T11:58:53+00:00

Clear Energetic Boundaries *

Do you ever feel like a sponge for other people’s stuff? Do some interactions leave you feeling depleted?

“Boundaries are, in simple terms, the recognition of personal space” –Asa Don Brown

When I first started soap-bubble-824550_1920doing healing work, there were days when I would come home feeling drained and un-grounded. As I began learning about energetic boundaries and practicing different grounding techniques, I discovered ways that I could use my natural intuitiveness while still maintaining my own energetic integrity. That discovery has been transformative both in my work and also in my intimate relationships. I feel less reactive, as well as better able to own my own needs and feelings.

The following are 5 tips for better energetic boundaries.

#1 Notice when you feel drained or depleted

We are constantly engaged in an energy exchange. This includes: how we spend our time, how much we work, what we eat, the people we spend time with, and so forth. Pushing past our limits is a culturally endorsed habit, and according to Psychology Today, a 2008 survey found that over 50% of Americans reported getting less than 7 hours of sleep. However, feeling chronically exhausted or depleted 1) is a clear sign that something is off-balance and 2) makes it harder for us to be in touch with or respect our boundaries.

I invite you to start tracking when you feel depleted/drained, and begin noticing factors it might be linked to, such as work stress, under-sleeping, lack of exercise, being around certain (types of) people or energies, tension with your loved ones, and so on.

In a separate column, write down what some of your go-to coping strategies for stress, and notice if those generally help you feel more energized. The ways we manage stress or check out (such as stress eating, drugs, alcohol, or compulsive use of technology) often actually serve to worsen our energetic depletion.

#2 Notice what helps you feel energized and grounded

Next, I invite you to write down what helps you feel more grounded and in your body. This may include having a certain amount of alone time each day or conversely a certain amount of social time, spending time in nature, movement/exercise, meditating, gardening and so forth. Close your eyes, and imagine you are doing one of those practices. Notice what that feels like in your body. Are there areas that relax of feel expansive? Breathe into those areas, and invite in more space.

# 3 Develop a daily routine that is nurturing

Looking at your list of activities/situations that are depleting and those that are replenishing, develop a daily or weekly schedule for maintaining your inner equilibrium. Try it for a week, and see how it feels.

For example, I have a checklist of daily activities that are nurturing (such as daily meditation, daily yoga, 15 minutes of writing, a daily break, going to bed by a certain time) and things to avoid (such as computer use the first hour after getting up and the last half hour before going to bed, sugar and wheat, spending more than 30 min on social media). When I do/avoid those things, respectively, it really improves my moods, my sleep, and my ability to cope with other people’s energy.

#4 Balance your energy field

Now that you have more of a sense of your daily energetic transactions, and what helps accrue or deplete your energy, I invite you to start exploring your energy field. All of us have an electro-magnetic field (or aura) around us. When we are balanced, our aura is about an arm’s length from the body in all directions, following the contour of the body.

Although it is particularly useful to be grounded when we are more stressed, for most of us those situations are when we feel most off kilter. This can result in our energy field being wobbly, thin, heavy, lopsided, or leaky. Boundary violations experienced in childhood can also lead to habitual patterns of either rigid or loose boundaries—or flip-flopping between the two.

At the end of the post is a guided meditation (also included in my “The Inside Out Switch post) that will help you learn to sense your energy field and ground. I recommend doing it twice a day—once in the morning to set your energy field, and once at night to clear it of anything you might have picked up during the day—for a week. Again, notice any differences. And if it is helpful, consider making this a regular practice

#5 Self-acceptance as a path to clear and loving boundaries

Many of us confuse boundaries with emotional armoring. In fact, the more we are grounded in ourselves, the easier it is not to take things personally and to have greater compassion for the other (as well as for ourselves). Indeed, having clear boundaries has little to do with others, and everything to do with our relationship to ourselves. Whenever we override our own limits/internal no, there is some part of us that minimizes our own needs. I invite you to notice all the place where you judge yourself or feel contracted. And practice sending compassion and acceptance to those places.

“Be in your own skin, as an act of self-loving.” –H. Raven Rose

Grounding Meditation:

Note: part of this guided meditation was adapted from practices learned at Psychic Horizons.

 

 

 

 

 

 
© Jenny Brav

Clear Energetic Boundaries *2022-11-29T13:23:28+00:00
Radiant Wholeness Healing, 3099 Telegraph Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705 | (510) 221-6426 | Copyright 2016 Jenny Brav | All Rights Reserved
Go to Top