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Finding my Inner Labrador

Have you ever felt that when you are hurt or angry, you have an inner yappy dog that tries to get your attention? Do you long for a sense of peace, balance and grounded-ness even when triggered?

Healing from learned helplessness

dog-548611_1920For me, finding peace and balance has been a journey (and is still at times a work in progress). As a child, I learned early on to disconnect from my power as a trade-off for getting love or feeling safe.  My sister Laura, who was three and a bit when I was born, and furious at being upstaged by a tiny bundle of flesh and lungs, let me know in no uncertain terms that there was only room for one of us to take up space. And that wasn’t me.

I have a clear memory of being five or so. Laura said something to make me angry, and I fired something back. She laughed at me in response, so I started pummeling her with my little fists in a desire to hurt her too. She then grabbed my wrists and twisted them backwards, pinned me against the fridge, and laughed even harder. I remember being flooded with a feeling of rage laced with helplessness. Up until then, I had often fought back and gotten mad when my sister poked at me. From that moment on, I started disowning my anger and power, since it had not helped protect me. I felt shy around strangers, and the world seemed like a scary place. My disempowerment was further compounded by parenting that encouraged us to always put others’ needs first, and to be kind, considerate, and self-effacing. Lessons that served me well on a human level, but also cut me off from my own sense of agency and worth.

Laura and I are now extremely close and supportive of each other, and have done a lot of healing together and separately. My journey to reconnect to a sense of grounded power has been a transformative one. The following are some lessons I learned along the way.

My inner yappy dog

When I started my healing journey over a decade ago and began to explore some of my patterns of learned helplessness, I found that an inner yappy dog emerged to defend my collapsed, undefended self. You know the one I’m talking about? It’s the little dog in the fenced in yard you pass while taking your evening walk. The one that starts barking the minute you have passed it — to make sure danger is averted before alerting the whole neighborhood that it’s doing its job of keeping everyone safe. Yeah, that one. It makes lot of noise, but is pretty ineffectual since it barks at every animal, car, or person that passes. And really all it secretly wants is to be relieved of its guard dog duty so it can get love and attention.

When I thawed out of my freeze mode (which is what learned helplessness is, from a survival perspective) I went straight into fight mode. My inner yappy dog was just trying to protect me when someone or a situation appeared to threaten me. But it was hyper-vigilant, and thought everything was a potential intruder. If I jumped up every time it barked, it would be exhausting. And it still came from a place of feeling small and defenseless.

Finding my inner Labrador

As I started to heal the part of me that had learned to collapse and give my power away, and to give love and support to the angry part that emerged to defend her, I started accessing my inner Labrador. She loves to connect and is service oriented, but also has very clear boundaries. When someone starts to infringe upon that boundary, she gives a warning look, without being pulled off center. If the person disregards the look, she will give one, deep bark from a place of serene authority. No need to yip continuously, or to collapse in defeat. This place feels clear, protected, and loving. And if I fall back into my collapsed or yappy dog self, I feel into the part of me that feels small and scared, and give her compassion. I breathe and ground, and connect to my center. And call up the energy of my inner Labrador for support.

Exploring your wholeness

I invite you to feel into the places where you collapse. What does that feel like in your body? What are situations that trigger that?  If there were an image, or emotions, or words associated with that feeling of collapse, what might that be?

Now feel into the part of you that feels like it needs to defend your collapsed and vulnerable self from intruders. What does it feel like? Does it remind you of a yappy dog, or is there another image that comes to mind?

Finally, feel into that part of you that feels whole, balanced and grounded. If it’s difficult to access it right now, that’s OK. But you can just tell that part of you that whenever it wants to show up, it’s welcome. And see if any image, words or colors show up. If you could feel your version of your inner Labrador in your body, where would it be? And what does it want you to know right now? Imagine what it would be like if you could live your life from this place of balance, clarity, and compassionate authority.  If this is a new muscle you are exercising, give yourself a lot of leeway for falling off the horse (or the Labrador) as many times as you need before this place of clarity and balance starts feeling natural.

© Jenny Brav

Finding my Inner Labrador2017-06-23T02:16:03+00:00

Healing Shame *

Do you ever feel you need to hide certain parts of yourself to be accepted – that if people truly knew you, they would not like you? Do you have a strong inner critic trying to keep you in check?

“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” Brené Brown

boy-666803_1920Unlike some other emotions like anger, sadness and fear, shame can be a difficult emotion to identify, especially since it is so often connected to and/or masked by other emotions, and because many of us have developed strategies to keep the shame at bay. Carl Jung called shame “a soul eating emotion.” Dr. Brené Brown – one of the leading researchers on shame – defines it as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.” At its very root, shame is linked to us disowning certain parts of ourselves or our experience, and thus leads to an internal split. Having a strong inner critic is usually a good indicator of deep-seated shame.

While allowing for and feeling other emotions can often enable us to move through them, staying with our shame may lead us to a dissociative place that is hard for us to return from, as we spiral down into a loop of shame, guilt and blame. In the case of trauma, shame is one of the factors that can make it difficult to heal from the experience, and can keep us stuck in dissociative and/or reactive responses.

The following are a four tips for beginning to identify and move through shame.

#1. Become familiar with your shame patterns.

In my experience, one of the antidotes to shame is curiosity. Rather than feeling ashamed of our shame, getting curious can give us the distance we need to have compassion for ourselves and move through the emotion. As such, I invite you to start tracking the shame:

  • What kinds of situations bring up a sense of shame? For example, does shame arise when you feel criticized, make a mistake, or are in the spotlight?
  • What are the physiological indicators of shame in your body? For example, your cheeks flush, your heart races, your shoulders round inwards…
  • What thoughts arise when you feel shame? What does your inner critic have to say about yourself and the world?
  • What other emotions are present with the shame? Do you feel anger, fear, sadness, hurt, confusion? These emotions may be buried underneath the shame, or may arise to try to protect you from the shame.
  • What is your response to feeling shame? Do you shut down and get depressed? Do you blame others and lash out? Do you escape by turning to distractive and/or addictive habits?

Keeping a shame journal for a week or more may be helpful for understanding your patterns. To avoid getting pulled into the shame, imagine that you are a social scientist studying your experience. If any judgment comes up about yourself, send yourself and the judgment compassion.

#2. Follow the shame to its root.

Once you start understanding you own shame patterns, you can go a little deeper.

  • If there was an age associated with when you first started feeling shame, what age would that be (if possible, let a number pop into your head)? What was happening at the time? Was there a difficult situation at home, at school, or in the external environment you were growing up in?
  • What beliefs did you start developing about yourself and the world based on what you were experiencing? For example, “I’m not enough,” “I can only rely on myself,” “I have to be perfect to get love…”
  • Do you associate your shame with anyone in your family? For example, was one of your parents/guardians hyper critical and/or rageful? Or depressed and unsure of themselves? Shame is often an inherited emotion which our younger selves absorb without even realizing.
  • What is the shame trying to protect you from? Although this may be counter-intuitive, because shame is so unpleasant, the emotion is there for a reason and is trying to achieve something for us. Usually, it wants to avoid feeling vulnerable, judged, not enough, and so on.

#3. Notice the internal split.

Where there is shame, there is an internal split. Always. Now that you have a sense of how you started developing the sense of shame, you can begin to feel into the split that arises in you when you feel shame. Usually, you can identify the split because there are two (or more) parts of you that are arguing with each other or having opposite responses. A common split is between the part of us that wants safety (and/or connection), and the part of us that wants autonomy and freedom. The first part might be compliant and conflict avoidant, while the second part might want to fight and push back.

When you feel yourself splitting off, take a moment and acknowledge the different parts. See if you can identify what each is trying to achieve for you. Send gratitude to both, and then ask them if they can start supporting each other instead of working against each other.

#4. Send compassion to your shame.
Most of us have learned that the only way to deal with shame and the parts of us we are ashamed of is by disconnecting from, indulging in, or punishing them. However, in my experience, the only way to heal shame is to send the parts you are ashamed of and disconnected from love and compassion.

Feel into your younger self, when you first started feeling shame. There may be several ages that come up – in that case, pick the one that feels more charged, or the youngest. And give them love. Let them know that whatever is happening, it’s not their fault. Let them know that they are lovable and OK, exactly as they are. Thank them for the courage they had to take on the shame as their own, and let them know it’s safe to let go now. It’s no longer theirs to carry. And invite the different parts that you have disconnected from to start coming back. Until you feel more whole and centered in yourself, and able to hold your ground even in the face of doubt, or negativity directed at you.

© Jenny Brav

 

 

Healing Shame *2022-10-04T10:15:18+00:00

From -Ism to Is-ness

Have you experienced prejudice and discrimination because of race, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, ability, religion, nationality, ethnicity etc.? Do the effects continue to impact your beliefs about yourself and the world?

“We recall our terrible past so that we can deal with it, to forgive where forgiveness is necessary, without forgetting; to ensure that never again will such inhumanity tear us apart; and to move ourselves to eradicate a legacy that lurks dangerously as a threat to our democracy.” – Nelson Mandela

sunset-734049_1280Core wounding
In our essence, we are all whole and complete within ourselves. However, as babies and children, we are dependent on the outside world to get our physical and emotional needs met. We thus learn to derive our sense of safety and self from external cues. Core wounds occur whenever there is a split between ourselves and our sense of wholeness. We learn that we need to change, suppress, or trade-off certain parts of ourselves to feel safe or get our needs met. There are countless possible causes for core wounding: birth trauma, fear, abuse, anxious/overwhelmed caretaker(s), multi-generational trauma, neglect etc.

As a response to the pain of what we experience, we develop a belief about ourselves and the world, such as: “I’m not safe, I am not enough, I am not lovable, nobody is going to protect me.” We then develop compensatory strategies to overcome those beliefs, as well as distractive strategies to avoid feeling the pain of our beliefs.

Wounding experienced in our families is insidious enough. Its effects are further compounded by societally endorsed discrimination/prejudice. Many of us have grown up with (and may continue to live with) pernicious messages that some part of our identity is simply not OK, or is less than. This often causes a split between the part of us that learns to defend ourselves and tries to prove others wrong, and the part of us that internalizes some of the messages we have received.

While this is a huge topic, and cannot be addressed in one blog post, the following are four suggestions and a guided meditation for starting to heal some of the internal effects of discrimination.

#1 Exploring internalized beliefs
What messages did/do you receive about yourself that were/are “otherizing” and/or discriminatory in nature? What is the impact on your life now? Notice what you feel in your body as you start calling up these messages. Are there any places that feel tight, achy, or numb?

What coping strategies have you developed in response to these messages? Start noticing if there is a split in your psyche between the part of you that gets angry and tries to defend yourself, and the part that may have internalized some of the messages of not being enough?

#2 Compassion
The first step to healing is self-compassion. While it may seem obvious, many of us have learned to be our own harshest critics, especially when we are wanting to change. Notice any negative messages you are sending yourself, and send yourself love and understanding for that, knowing that this is an old strategy for trying to motivate yourself. And ask yourself if there is any way you can treat yourself more kindly.

The effect of discrimination and the internal split it causes often activates a trauma response in us. If you notice yourself going into fight/flight or (very commonly) freeze, instead of getting angry with yourself, see if you can send love to yourself.

#3 Forgiveness
Forgiveness can be a sticky topic, as it can seem like an invitation to condone or ignore structural inequality and prejudice. It may not always be accessible or appropriate. When we are able to access forgiveness, it is for ourselves, not the other. The intention is not to accept what has happened or social inequity, but rather to free ourselves from its effects so we are not held back from being our highest selves because of outsider fear energy that has been projected onto us.

Is there any particular event or person that you are not able to forgive? First give yourself compassion for the pain and anger that reside in you, knowing they are there for a reason. Give yourself permission to hang onto the anger as long as you need to feel safe. And then, start positing the possibility that at some point, you may be able to let go of what happened (or is happening, if it is ongoing). Not to condone it, but so you can be free from its effects. Knowing that whatever happened it had nothing to do with you. They were just acting out based on their fear and the messages they had received about power and the world.

#4 Reconnecting to your wholeness
Start feeling into the part of you that knows, deeply, that you are OK exactly as you are. If that feels like science fiction right now, you can put a hand on your heart and one on your belly, and breathe. Otherwise, imagine a situation where you feel completely yourself. It may be doing a creative activity, or a sport, or out in nature. Notice how that feels in your body, and invite your cells to memorize this feeling. This is your birthright. This is who you really are. Whole and complete. Exactly as you are.

The following is a guided meditation to start getting in touch with and heal our wounded younger parts (and if the wounding happened later in life, work with that age).

© Jenny Brav

From -Ism to Is-ness2022-02-03T14:34:54+00:00

The Lost Art of Closing Rituals *

Do you find yourself hanging onto things from your past? Is change bringing up fear and resistance? Are there areas of your life where it is difficult for you to move forward?

“Every ending is a beginning. We just don’t know it at the time – Mitch Albom

Closing RitualsTransition and change are an inevitable part of life, especially in our rapidly evolving world. While we celebrate certain big transitions (such as graduations, weddings, deaths, welcoming in a new year), for the most part we have lost the art of ritually marking the end of one thing, and making space for the new. As a result, many of us have difficulty letting go of what was and accepting what is, which may lead us to feel stuck or weighed down by old baggage. What I have found is that whatever the ending – be it the end of a relationship, the loss of a loved one, changing jobs, or moving from one place to another – holding a simple ritual can be very helpful in gaining closure.

Although the ritual will differ depending on what kind of ending we are marking, the following are four main elements you will want to include. You may want to light a candle or burn sage, and it’s also fine to keep it very simple. The most important thing is the intention with which you hold the ceremony. If your relationship is ending, doing a closing ceremony with your (ex) partner can be very powerful, but doing it on your own is also fine, if that is not possible.

1. Appreciation and gratitude
The first step is to express – either verbally or in writing – your appreciation for what is ending. In the case of a relationship or the loss of a loved one, what did you love about that person? What did you gain from the job you are leaving, or the living space you are moving from?

Depending on the circumstances around the ending, conflicting feelings may come up. Anger, grief, confusion, regret, disappointment… Allow the emotions to come up. See if you can track the physical sensations as they move through your body.

2. Lessons learned
If appropriate, make a list of what you learned from the person, place or experience. We often resist change or what is because we have an idea of how things should be instead. Recognizing ways that we have grown from even challenging situations can allow us to get perspective on the bigger picture and gain insight on how that situation might have served us.

3. Letting Go
Next, write or state the things you are ready to let go of from the experience (be it a relationship, an old job, a phase of life, a living situation etc.). Your list could include emotions or reactivity such as fear, anger, blame, or it might include patterns that came up for you such as making yourself small, focusing on negatives, not feeling valued, settling for less than you want, and so on.

4. Moving Forward
Finally, state what you want to attract into your life as you move forward. If you have left one job or living situation for another, express what your intentions and/or desires are for the new situation. If the future is unknown (one thing is ending but the next hasn’t begun yet, for example), close your eyes, and visualize in as much detail as possible what you are wanting to bring into your life. See yourself dropping that image into your energy field, and letting it ripple outward. That way, you are setting an intention for what you want, without clinging to it to closely.

“There’s a trick to the ‘graceful exit.’ It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over–and let it go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving up, rather than out.” – Ellen Goodman

© Jenny Brav

 

 

 

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The Lost Art of Closing Rituals *2023-12-31T19:12:15+00:00

The State of Not Enough *

Do you ever feel like there is always more you need to do, to become, in order to feel ok? Do have a “not enough” radar that is constantly scrutinizing yourself, others, or life for what is lacking?

“Whoever is not in his coffin and the dark grave, let him know he has enough” – Walt Whitman

pug-1209129_1920It can be very subtle.  A vague sense of unease, like a slight static buzz on the TV screen.  There is something I should be doing that I am not.  My inner judge tells me time and opportunity are slipping through my fingers.  I feel a tightening in my abdomen.  All is not quite as it should be, but I have no idea what is wrong.  My chest constricts and it is hard for me to be completely present to what is.  Other times, my “not good enough” voice is loud and insistent, like a nagging child tugging at me to get attention.  “You don’t know what you are doing!  You aren’t ever going to get this right.”

During my journey of growth and transformation, I have found more and more space from that voice.  A sense of contentment that is not coupled with craving or fear of the moment ending. Although the unease and feelings of lack still crop up, they don’t have the same grip on me as they did. The following explores some of the ways we absorb the message we are “not enough,” four short exercises and a guided meditation to start shifting that belief.

Childhood messages of not enough

Most of us learned early on that it wasn’t enough to simply be. That we needed to behave in certain ways or do/not do specific things in order to get validation or avoid punishment.  We learned to hide all the parts that felt unacceptable and to show our best face to the world.  In instances where there was abuse, neglect or any kind of trauma there can be a real sense of hopelessness. A feeling that “no matter what I do, it is never enough,” accompanied with the belief that “there must be something completely flawed about me for this to happen.”  This can also be entwined with anger and indignation, and a subconscious fear that healing will somehow condone the abuse.

Exercise # 1: I invite you to start feeling into ways you feel inadequate, or that something is lacking from your life. It might be a feeling that there is never enough time, something you want to change about yourself or your life, or disappointment in others. Whatever it is, just feel into it. Think back to a time in your childhood when you first started feeling this. And give that child part compassion.

Coping strategies for not enough

Our consumer society further feeds our feelings of not being enough–not thin enough, young enough, healthy enough, hip enough and so on—to sell us promises of betterment. But of course, it is never enough, and the sense of emptiness persists. And so the consumer world steps in once more to provide numerous ways for us to distract and numb out, to try to keep the “not good enough voices” at bay. Anything that can create a temporary escape—which is where addictions and other coping strategies often kick in.

Exercise #2: Start noticing the ways you have learned to cope with the feeling of not enough. Are you a perfectionist, or a perpetual procrastinator? Do you have patterns of anxiety? Acknowledge these patterns for having helped you survive difficult times, and start making space for other possibilities.

The posture of not enough

These feelings of inadequacy or lack show up in our bodies, in shoulders hunched or tensed from shouldering all those shoulds we pile on them every day.  Our core and lower back may weaken from a constant barrage of negative self-talk and fears.  Our head feels heavy and full with incessant mind-chatter, arms worn down from all that doing.

Exercise # 3: Imagine a scenario where your “not enough” pattern shows up, and feel into your body. Does any area feel contracted or tense? Maybe exaggerate the tension just a little, and see if any emotions, memories or body sensations arise for you. If your body was trying to tell you something, what might it be saying in this moment? Send compassion to your body for everything it has been holding for you.

The state of being (enough)

Many of us have been residing in a state of “not enough” for so long, it is very familiar. But what if we crossed state lines and tried switching states? When we stop and slow down, it can be overwhelming to be faced with the emptiness.  Or it can lead to an immediate sense of well-being, of letting go.  Or sometimes it vacillates between one and the other.  Either way is fine.  It is safe to stop, and allow your experience to be.

Exercise # 4: I invite you slow down. Breathe. Experiment with a state of being-ness, with no goal or end product.  Just being and breathing is enough for this moment. And when you catch yourself focusing on what is wrong, give yourself compassion, and see if you can see what is right about it. You may be surprised to find out how many things aren’t going wrong that could be.

Guided meditation to shift the feeling of not being enough:

© Jenny Brav

 

 

The State of Not Enough *2022-02-16T03:28:40+00:00

Why Slow is Smart

Do you feel as though you’re constantly running after time, but can never catch up? Can it be challenging to relax, with all the things you need to do?

“Sometimes our stop-doing list needs to be bigger than our to-do list” – Patti Digh

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As a child—whether I was eating, thinking, speaking, playing with friends, reading, or solving a problem—I liked taking my time. However, I was soon taught that time is a precious commodity that shouldn’t be wasted. That’s when I learned the art of multi-tasking, making endless to-do lists, and being more productive. And while I went on to lead a full and interesting life, the cost in terms of stress levels and their impact on my health was high. It wasn’t until I started meditating ten years ago that I began reconnecting with and valuing the part of me that likes to s-l-o-w d-o-w-n.

The devaluing of slowness
In our society, we associate slowness with laziness, stupidity, lack of direction, and so on. From an early age, we are rewarded (i.e., at school, at home, at work, in sports) for being fast. As such, our culture is highly addicted to speed—and I don’t mean the drug. While there is nothing wrong with efficiency, running from one thing to the next is a great way to numb out and avoid having to feel.

In recent years, we’ve seen counter movements to help people create more space in their lives. The slow food movement sprang up to challenge the fast-food mentality, slow fashion to bring durability back into our wardrobe. SuperSlow exercise is based on the premise that we build muscle more efficiently when we lift weights at slow speeds. And mindfulness has become part of mainstream parlance. Despite these movements, the general trend still seems to favor ever faster and more complex.

The following six tips can help you start slowing down. As counter-intuitive as it might seem, the more you slow down, the more time you will find you have. I promise.

1) Notice your body
When we are living in Speedville, our life is governed by our thoughts, and we lose touch with our bodies. Our bodies may then feel neglected/abandoned (often mirroring how we felt as a child), and may develop physical symptoms, which force us to slow down and change our habits. I invite you to start paying attention to your body periodically throughout the day. (You could program your phone at random to remind you, if you wish.) Are you breathing? Where do you feel tight? If your body had a message for you, what would it be?

2) Connect with what you are trying to avoid
Whenever we are going a mile a minute, we are often trying to fill a void, or avoid something. When you feel as though your life is speeding out of control, I invite you to slow down, and start investigating. Is some part of you needing attention?

Loneliness, grief, shame, and anger are often emotions at the root of avoidance. Once you connect with what is behind the avoidance, make space for your feelings. Breathe into them. Give yourself empathy for whatever is there.

3) Do less
Look at your tasks for the day/week, and prioritize them. And schedule in breaks. Do one thing at a time, as much as possible. Although multi-tasking is highly valued, and to some extent hard to avoid, we are actually more efficient, and so much more present, when we can focus on one thing at a time. “Device-free” time slots—especially the first hour after waking up, and the last hour before going to bed—can change the quality of your day and sleep.

“Sometimes I think there are only two instructions we need to follow to develop and deepen our spiritual life: slow down and let go.” – Oriah Mountain Dreamer

 

4) Do things more mindfully
Thich Nhat Hanh, the Buddhist Vietnamese monk who has centers in France and the United States, is one of the biggest proponents of applying mindfulness to daily activities. Everything you do can be an opportunity to be mindful. While stopped in traffic or at a light, breathe and touch base with yourself. When walking, slow down, and feel the connection with the Earth with each step. I have found that waiting for BART (the Bay Area Rapid Transit train) is a great time for walking meditation. My favorite, though, is eating meditation: food tastes so much better when I slow down to taste it.

5) Bring yourself back to the present
A key to slowing down is being in the present moment. So much of our mental energy gets expended on ruminations about the past or worrying about the future. When you notice that you are talking to someone or doing something, but your mind is off on a totally different track, gently bring yourself back. Being present takes practice, but it may shift the quality of your life and your relationships significantly.

6) Take stock of what you have
Hurrying is inherently tied to a feeling of scarcity—of not having enough time, or being enough. When we abide in the state of “not enough-ness,” we bring a frenetic energy of fear and anxiety to our doing. One of my most helpful practices is writing a quick list of all the things that went well that day before going to bed, to counteract any part of my mind that tends to latch onto whatever went wrong.

A good way to slow down is therefore to start noticing all the things that are OK (or even good!) about this moment. I invite you to do this right now. Breathe. Feel your body. And ask yourself: What is OK right now? Then start feeling into the perfection of the moment.

© Jenny Brav

Why Slow is Smart2018-02-23T04:46:37+00:00

The Frequency of Fear *

Are there certain areas of your life where fear is holding you back? Are there other areas where fear is your motivator for action? Would you like to learn to navigate these with more ease and grace?

“Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth” – Pema Chödrön

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With the events happening worldwide and nationally over the past few months—not to mention the upcoming presidential elections-the vibration of fear is more tangible than ever. It is therefore a critical time to gain a deeper understanding of the impact fear can have for us as individuals, and as a global community.

The evolution of fear

From an evolutionary perspective, there are several reasons why fear is so potent.

1)     Fear can be a life saver—mobilizing our internal resources to escape imminent danger and activating our fight-or-flight response. It has been shown that a certain amount of pressure can enhance performance (see the Yerkes-Dodson law) up to a point. Past that threshold, it can lead to overwhelm and the freeze response.
2)     Fear is central to socialization. In both tribal and more complex societies, fear of the other can create a powerful sense of bonding/belonging. In addition, fear of punishment or public shaming are both strong incentives for following the rules. Historically, being outcast from our tribe greatly diminished chances of survival, and so fear of being shunned is deeply imbedded in our DNA.

Fear and coping strategies

On the other hand, fear can become debilitating when linked to a feeling of powerlessness arising from a conditioned response based on: a) past experiences or b) worries about the unknown future. In that case, fear can activate our freeze response, so we feel paralyzed and unable to move forward. The more frequently we experience fear (especially when it isn’t a response to something that is presently occurring), the less effectively we will be able to mobilize its resources when needed. Fear is so pervasive in part because the freeze response can be easily manipulated to gain power over other people, at least in the short term. Indeed, the frequency of fear is often used by governments, parents, bullies, and marketing strategies as ways to achieve their goals.

As such, many of the beliefs we acquire as children are based on fears that arise from our early experiences. Fear of being abandoned, of getting punished, of losing love, of not being good enough, of being rejected, of failure, and so on. We then develop coping strategies to manage those fears. These may include giving away our power to others the moment we feel afraid, or building a defensive fortress around our fear. Anger, shame, and sadness are all emotions that are closely linked to fear.

 What is your motivation?

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance.” – John Lennon 

 

Two main energetic frequencies guide our actions: that of love, and that of fear. As we grow, we need to learn to dis-identify from our fear—so we can experience it as an emotion that runs through us, rather than one that runs us. In our culture, we often operate on the fear-based assumption that the end justifies the means. However, when we look at cause and effect, what we do isn’t nearly as important as how we do it. The identical action can have a very difficult outcome based on how we hold it.

For example, take the resolution to start exercising. On the one hand, the decision might be motivated from the fear of not being enough (not thin enough, not buff enough and so on). As such, we may exercise compulsively to the point of pushing past our body’s limit and cause potential damage. Or the decision might come from a deep respect for our body and health, in which case we are much more likely to honor our limits and achieve our goals. Same action, different outcome.

The next time you make a decision or take action, pause and see how you feel in your body. The energy of fear is linked to contraction and holding, while that of love is associated with expansion and lightness. Ask yourself: “Am I doing this out of fear or out of love?” Play with what it feels like if you shift from one vibration to the other.

Loving your fear.

Being afraid of our fear only serves to further disempower us. When held with love, however, the energy of fear will dissolve. While it might be counter-intuitive, understanding and making space for our fear can be its greatest antidote.

When you feel yourself tighten in fear, I invite you to pause. Breathe. Send acceptance to your fear. If you wish, you can imagine you are holding a wounded and scared animal—with great tenderness and compassion. Allow your own presence and love to start melting the fear. And you may feel the scared younger part inside of you start to relax and soften.

“A further sign of health is that we don’t become undone by fear (…), but we take it as a message that it’s time to stop struggling and look directly at what’s threatening us.” – Pema Chödrön 
© Jenny Brav

 

The Frequency of Fear *2022-02-03T14:43:04+00:00

The Inside Out Switch

Have you ever noticed that your sense of well-being can shift in a split second? That perceived criticism, an interruption, or an unpleasant interaction can instantly dissolve your inner peace?

“At the center of your being you have the answer; You know who you are and you know what you want”- Lao Tzu

tree-77271_1280

From an early age, we learn to derive our sense of okay-ness from external factors. As babies, we are completely dependent on the outside world to get our needs met. As children, most of us learn to do or not do certain things in order to get approval or stay out of trouble.  As adults, many of us are still looking to the outside world to reassure us that we are okay and enough. This often causes us to mistrust and split off from our own inner knowing. Trauma, neglect, abuse and social discrimination can all exacerbate this disconnect.

The inside out switch

To understand this better, imagine that you have two switches.

  1. The first is the outside in switch. In this mode, we are looking to the outside world for validation and a sense of safety. We may be prone to reactivity, anxiety, feeling shutdown, hyper-vigilance, the need to please others, etc.
  2. The second is the inside out switch. In this mode, we derive our sense of well-being from internal cues. Even though we interact with and are impacted by the outside world, it doesn’t determine how we feel about ourselves. The focus is generally on being and on process, rather than on doing and outcome.

A good metaphor for the inside out switch is that of a tree. Even though the outside world (for example, too much/too little rain or fires) affects it, its circumstances don’t change its basic tree-ness or sense of worth. The following are some tips for reconnecting to your own internal compass.

Awareness

The first step is to start to be aware of what happens inside you. You might set your phone reminder to go off at random times, and check in to see which mode you are in. To practice awareness, I invite you to think of a person or situation (it could also be a pet peeve) that upsets you or throws you off balance.  And as you do, feel into the following:

  • Where is your attention as you think about this situation (is it inside of you, or outside of yourself)?
  • Do you notice tension in your body as you remember the situation? If so, where, and what does it feel like?
  • What are the thoughts or judgments going through your mind?
  • Is this a familiar feeling?

Whenever we are strongly triggered by something, it is likely that the situation is activating something from our past. It might be linked to repeated experiences we had, or beliefs we developed about ourselves and the world. For example, we might have had a parent prone to unpredictable rage, which led to the belief that at any moment, something terrible might happen.

As we start to identify and understand these patterns, we can have a little more space from them. We can also start bringing our attention back inside ourselves when we notice that we have lost ourselves in our focus on the external.

Grounding

Next, it is very helpful to develop a grounding practice. This is any practice that helps you 1) connect more deeply to yourself, 2) feel embodied (that is, connected to your body, rather than being purely in your head) and 3) be in the present moment. Since I am highly sensitive and intuitive, learning to set and clear my energetic boundaries has been invaluable for me in learning to ground. Walking in nature, automatic writing, sports, gardening, art etc. can all be ways of grounding, as long as it meets the above criteria.

Guided meditation to ground and set your energetic field

The following guided meditation is intended to help you learn to ground and set your energetic field. Over the next week, I invite you to tune into yourself at different times during the day. Notice if you are in the “inside out” or “outside in” mode, and see if you can switch channels.

© Jenny Brav

The Inside Out Switch2022-02-03T14:35:05+00:00

Overcoming the Impostor Syndrome

Do you ever feel like a fake in one or more areas of your life? That if others “found you out,” they would never want to speak to you again?

“I have written 11 books, but each time I think, ‘Uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.’” – Maya Angelou

face-636092_640My story
In 2009, I was the head of a small sub-office for the United Nations’ Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs in Western Nepal. Every day, I had to struggle to overcome the sense of not being worthy of the position – that they would soon find out they made a mistake in selecting me.

It’s an actual syndrome!
I was amazed when I looked it up a few years later, and discovered that the feeling I had experienced is a known and studied phenomenon with its own name: the impostor syndrome.

  • The term “the impostor syndrome” was first coined in the 1970s.
  • It is thought that up to 70% of the population will feel like a fake at some time in their lives.
  • Success seems to increase the fear, as successful people are particularly prone to feeling this way.

So now that you know you are in good company, what does that actually mean for you? And how can you overcome this feeling?

Valuing what comes easily for you
We are conditioned to give much more weight to the negative than the positive, something experts call a “negativity bias.” From an evolutionary perspective, remembering danger was critical to our survival. Nowadays, however, focusing on what’s wrong just leads to ruminative thoughts and a skewed perspective on things. In addition, too often we take for granted what we are naturally good at, without understanding why others make a fuss about our expertise.

To counter the impostor syndrome, try keeping a daily journal where you track all the things you did well during the course of the day. Also, write a list of all your skills, and reasons you might be worthy of praise. Imagining that someone who knows you very well is writing this list can help you open up and explore deeper.

Shifting the focus from external to internal
From a young age, we learn that certain parts of us are unacceptable, while others are prized and encouraged. That leads to an internal split, that fosters feelings that we need to hide aspects of ourselves, and amplify others. As children, since getting our needs met is dependent on our caretakers’ approval, our desire to please them is a good survival strategy. As adults, however, the constant need for external validation leads to a perpetual feeling of not being enough, and of needing to prove (or disprove) our worth.

In my next post, “The Inside Out Switch,” I will explore ways of deriving our sense of well-being from the inside out, instead of needing external validation and cues.

© Jenny Brav

Overcoming the Impostor Syndrome2017-06-23T02:16:03+00:00

Embracing Your Shadow

Are there parts of you that feel unacceptable or impossible to love? Do you sometimes act in ways that you can’t recognize?

 

“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light,
but by making the darkness conscious.” – Carl Jung

shutterstock_280149986I grew up in a household that emphasized generosity and being of service to others. They were wonderful values to be imbued in, but there wasn’t much room for anger, jealousy, pettiness etc.

On my personal growth journey, I have learned to befriend the contracted, cranky parts of me. I know that if I don’t, they will find unconscious ways to slip out and get my attention. Below are some tips on working with your shadow, as well as a free guided meditation to help you embrace it.

What is Your Shadow?

Carl Jung defined the shadow as the “sum of all personal and collective psychic elements which, because of their incompatibility with the chosen conscious attitude, are denied expression in life.” From my perspective, our shadow constitutes of:

  • The parts of ourselves we learned were not acceptable;
  • The coping strategies we developed to try to compensate for or hide those parts, and to feel OK.

Naming and Accepting

The minute we feel the need to hide certain parts of us, we actually give them more power, as their energy gets trapped in us. Here are some steps to accepting your shadow:

  • Track (without judgment) when you feel contracted in your body.
  • Track when you feel reactive or collapsed.
  • Notice what triggers a reaction in you when you observe it in others. This will often point you back to your own shadow.
  • Allow all of the above to be there and to be OK, without needing to hide/suppress our feelings, or be taken over by them.

When we start accepting and naming our thoughts and feelings, whatever they may be, we allow their energy to move through us. It gives us more choice over our actions so we can start taking responsibility for ourselves, rather than projecting our pain onto others.

Stepping Into Your Power

Our shadow isn’t necessarily just the parts of us that are generally considered negative. It can also be positive parts that never had space to be, perhaps because of the messages we received, and/or traumatic events. These can include our power, joy, trust, and love. When those have no space to be, we often develop false substitutes that may be close matches, but are not the same. Reconnecting and owning the positive parts of us, and learning to fully embody our power, is also an important part of shadow work. It can also give us the strength necessary to do this work.

Guided Meditation to Embrace Your Shadow

The following 8 minute guided meditation will help you track back to when you first got disconnected from certain parts of you, so you can begin to heal and reintegrate.

© Jenny Brav

Embracing Your Shadow2022-02-03T14:35:38+00:00
Radiant Wholeness Healing, 3099 Telegraph Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705 | (510) 221-6426 | Copyright 2016 Jenny Brav | All Rights Reserved
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